Monday, December 19, 2011

Sign Language

Today I got an update from Baby Center informing me of Léo's stage of development. They had a special Q&A on sign language. I would love for Léo to sign but haven't started teaching him. However, one of the answers in the Q&A stated that all babies sign before they know how to talk, and they do so very early on. I thought about it, and it's true. When he's done with his dinner he pushes his tray -just like he pushes our hand when we try to wipe his nose. Ok, so maybe that's not a "sign" per se. Ooh, got one. When he wants to be held, he raises him arms. And when he wants something, he waves his fingers.

There. My son, the genius.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Prayer of St Therese

The catholic school linked to my church gave Léo a card the day he was baptized. I didn't read it until today (a month and a half later!) and I love the prayer they have included, so I thought I would share it with you.

May you have peace within today.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let his presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, praise, and love.
It is there for each and everyone of you who choose to claim it.

Friday, December 16, 2011

8 months

I'm a little late again posting this update. In the past month Léo has mastered what he's learnt by the time he was 7 months old (thank God for no new developmental milestone. I don't think I could have handled the night time rehearsing!): he crawls a lot, pulls himself up a lot, chats and sings constantly, smiles a gazillion times a day, doesn't sleep through the night, and is overall an absolute joy to be around!

Random little things:
- He loves to eat -and will taste anything you put in his mouth. He loves to shove 2 to 3 pieces of food in his mouth at once. Then he can't chew anything and spits everything out. Classy baby.
- He loves looking outside and could spend a looong time on the window still if we let him.
- He shows what he wants by staring at them (like the widow or the dog). He also started waving toward things he wants to touch -palm pointing down, fingers waving.
- He has 4 teeth. Actually his 2 bottom teeth are out. The 3rd one (up) if halfway out and the 4th (up as well) one just came out yesterday night -he cried so much I had to go out at 11PM an buy ibuprofen. His teeth are so cute!
- He is very affectionate and wants to be held quite often. When he sees me or Joe he crawls to us and stands up while holding our pants, then holds his arms up. It's a "problem" when I work from home and step in the living room to grab something because he comes to me and I just have to pick him up!
- He's really curious. He is starting to really look at books when we read to him instead of just shoving them in his mouth.
- He refuses to lay on his back in his bath. Now he wants to be sitting. That's fine, except I don't know how to rinse his hair.

That's 8-month old Léo in a nutshell. He is a happy, energetic, loving, kind baby boy. Here he is, babbling in his bath. I love this video -and this little boy of ours.


Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Bucket list

I have been sleeping better for only 3 nights (3 blissful nights. Ok, not that blissful because I wake up in a panic at 1am wondering whether my baby is still breathing but that'll pass soon!). I already feel better, so much so that I'm starting a new bucket list. Yay, a new list! I love making lists -and this one is pretty exciting. Why yes, it's all about me. What's not to like about that?

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Ferber, Part Trois

I'll update this post instead of creating new ones to tell you how sleep training goes.

Tonight we started putting Léo to bed using the Ferber method again. If you remember I botched the first two attempts. This time I am ready! He is getting over a cold, he's not teething, he just went through a developmental milestone so I'm guessing he's not going to go through one any time soon, and we're not going to move/travel/go through any changes in the next few weeks. I checked his baby book in which I write when he sleeps/eats/poops and saw that he has stayed up for an hour or two every night since August (when we unswaddled him and when I went back to work). According to Ferber, he stays awake because he doesn't need that many hours of sleep. We're going to work on that as well as the way he falls asleep -no more rocking- and on decreasing night time feedings.

I realized tonight that I was reluctant to do Ferber because:
1- of course I am dreading tears
2- I fear he won't need me anymore -right now he does need me to fall asleep and as much as I need to sleep I relish these moments where he just lays on my chest since he's not so cuddly during the day (this is changing though. Post coming soon)
3- I am afraid he's going to resent me for leaving him alone.
I know all those fears are unfounded. We need sleep. So does Léo. Ferber seems the only thing that can work quickly.

I'm so hopeful that this time will work! Please do pray that it works. Also, in the comments, can you tell me what your kids' routines looked like when they were about 9 months old? That'd help me set our own routine.

Here we go!

Saturday Dec 3rd to Sunday Dec 4th
Léo was so tired after not taking a nap all day that he fell asleep in 2 minutes. I had braced myself for the worst, so this was quite easy! He woke up at 1115. We fed him and put him to bed. He talked to himself for 25' and then started crying -and so we started counting minutes. We checked on him at 3-5-10-10-etc minutes. After 50' he was really mad. He kept on standing up and stomping his feet on the crib. Finally I saw that ht was putting his hand in his mouth. I thought that he has either hurt himself or that his teeth were hurting. So I went in his bedroom, put him back on his side, and whispered to him and stroked his hair. That did it and he fell asleep at 1250. I know this is cheating because he's supposed to fall asleep alone but hey, I didn't rock him and left him in his crib. He slept until 530!
When he got up we noticed that there was blood on his PJs, sheet, and crib. I am guessing he must have hurt himself when he was stomping his feet -maybe knocked his gum on the crib rail or something. Poor baby! We'll be more careful watching the monitor and setting the camera where we can see him when he stands up tonight.
This afternoon we also noticed that his upper teeth are coming out. D'oh! The little man is teething again! It's ok. We're going to give him Tylenol if he hurts. We're not stopping Ferber right now!

Keep on praying please!

Sunday Dec 4th to Mon Dec 5th:
Again he fell asleep in no time. When he woke up for his night feeding he cried for 30' (I checked on him often) and finally I just went to his bed and stroke his hair. That did the trick. He was back asleep right after and slept until the morning.
PROGRESS!

Mon Dec 5th to Tue Dec 6th:
He fell asleep at 615p -he was exhausted for some reason- and slept... until 430am!!! He slept for TEN hours. Stuh-raight.
It worked!! Hopefully it won't be a roller coaster form there. We're quite happy with this Ferber method. It sucked quite a bit but it was worth it.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Post #108 on sleep

I know... I sound like a broken record. Leo has sleep issues. As a result Joe and I have sleep issues. I am not doing well at all. I am reluctant to write this because I know I complain a lot about little things. Ok, I complain about little things all the freaking time. But this is not a little thing. When we got back from France I thought about how disconnected I felt from my country and fellow French people. But then I realized I have felt disconnected from pretty much everything for a long time. In the first few weeks of Leo's life, hormonal craziness and chaos were normal and to be expected. Then I didn't care about much because I was so happy being a mom -just like when I was pregnant. Bliss was all around. Now I am thinking that my not caring is due to something close to depression. I just... don't. care. It's like there's a flat line in my brain. I am not interested in anything -I don't plan for the future, I don't make lists, I don't read, I don't care about baths. I know, this sounds nerdy and superficial, but before Leo was born those were the things that made me happy! My marriage, work, and friendships suffer. And... well, I do care (yay!). I know what I need. I need SLEEP. Big time.

But there's just one problem: Leo won't sleep. Last night he was up from 10-130 and then again from 4-5. The night before he was up from 3-5. During this time he's tired but I can't make him fall asleep. I rock and rock. And rock. And rock. And think that really, I must do sleep training again. But of course there's always something: developmental milestone, teething, a cold, a trip to France, teething again, another cold, and then he stands up in his crib and I don't know how to approach sleep training - mostly because he tries to stand up on his own, which means he doesn't hold on to the crib and falls backward. The mom whose baby shares a nanny with us told me to just start "ferberizing" him tonight. So we might.

I really do need to sleep. I need to find a piece of the old me. I don't want to be the "old" me: I have changed and acknowledge that. I just need to be able to care again, to focus, to be a good mom/wife/friend/employee. I'll let you know how that goes. Stay tuned for yet another post on sleep!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thankful

I try to remember to be thankful every day but sometimes routine and lack of sleep make me feel a bit frustrated. Today is a time to pause and reflect on all the reasons why I am grateful -and gives me a reason to make a list, and I LOVE making lists :)

- An amazing husband who is loving, kind, and patient, and our son Léo, our ray of sunshine. The best thing that has happened to us. Corny but true.
- Great family, including my in-laws (I really couldn't have wished for better in-laws) as well as a wonderful circle of close friends. I am so grateful for everyone of them for their insights, humor, intelligence, and role in my life.
- Materially, I am grateful for a roof over my head, food on the table every evening, all the amenities I want in my house.
- A job. I might complain about it, but it's a job, and generally a good one for an amazing cause -children's well being- and it has to be said, relatively good money.
- Good health. That is so important.

Overall I do have a pretty amazing life. I do complain. A lot. But I know that I am one lucky woman. I do not take that for granted.


Saturday, November 19, 2011

All. Night. Long!

I read on an awesome blog of something called 'humble bragging." It's when someone says, for instance "I looked like sh*t when I talked to George Clooney!" Yeah, you want to answer "STFU!". So I'm going to do that right here: Léo woke us up every hour last night because he's practicing lifting himself up in his sleep. I'm really not bragging, but because complaining about your kid's progress could be considered humble bragging at its best, I'm calling myself out!

Friday, November 18, 2011

A stranger in my own land

For the first time since I've moved to the US 6 years ago I really felt like a stranger in France. This disconnect has really annoyed me. I guess that's what happens when you don't travel to your homeland for more than 2 years -and you become a mom in the meantime. French and US American cultures are not that different. We all enjoy a fairly good lifestyle and take pleasure in the same things. On a daily basis though little differences mean that French and Americans might find that they are actually quite different in how they think and interact with one another.

For instance before this trip I never found French people rude. This time, however, I got a sense of French flair right as I got off the plane in Paris. Air France doesn't let you get back the stroller you gate checked at the gate. You get it back at baggage claim. So I had Leo in the Ergo, a backpack, my carry on (with wheels, thank goodness), and his car seat + base. I seriously looked like a donkey. Do you think anyone would have asked to help? Nope. On the way back on the contrary 2 or 3 people asked whether they could help me. Right there is a big difference between our two cultures.

Then I went grocery shopping. The cashier was so slow and so rude. I couldn't believe it! And of course I knew it wouldn't be worth it to complain because that would go on deaf ears (I know, I was a cashier in this very supermarket). In another store, the 2 cashiers were talking together and very audibly sighed when they had to care for my purchases. Seriously? Tourists in France deal mainly with customer service representatives (and people in line who cut in front of you) -and I think that's why they think French are so rude. Because they are! However, French men are gentlemen who will open and hold doors for women. They don't even think twice about it. That's quite nice.

French people also don't like people too much. They love friends and family but they won't go out of their way for people they don't know. That means that new moms won't smile at new moms (I tried and moms looked at me like I wanted to steal their babies) and people don't say hi in the street. They might in little towns and villages but not in big cities. To be fair, I guess people don't greet each other in NYC either!

Another big difference is fashion. I knew I couldn't walk outside with tennis shoes so I brought one nice pair of shoes but they gave me blisters so I had to reverse back to my tennis shoes. I pretty much looked like I came from TrailerTrash Land. Every woman, even moms of newborns, was dressed really well. Hello new moms, there's something called yoga pants and you have the right to wear them until your baby is old enough to go to coll..., ok fine, to walk. In all seriousness, I bought a few clothes there but really wanted a lot more. I like how French women dress. Very classy and elegant, yet simple.

One other thing that French people have "over" Americans is their lifestyle. They enjoy taking their time. What is really annoying when you wait in line becomes actually nice when you have dinner or a drink in a cafe. French people love their vacation and generous leave -real maternity leave (doubled when you have twins, I have just learnt!). French people appreciate good food, good movies, good music, and good conversations. They're pretty hedonist in general.

As much as I felt disconnected, I would go back and live there in a heart beat. Well, not right now because of family and job issues (finding a job in France is way tougher than in the US, even in this economy), but maybe one day. I want to be able to walk to a bakery in the morning, to meet friends and see a good French movie, to watch good TV programs that don't require cable, to eat healthy food that doesn't cost that much to buy. Right now I feel very American. I like living here. I need to be ok with this -because until this trip I considered myself VERY French. Not so anymore. I guess I belong to both cultures now and just need to embrace this chance to know and love two countries for what they are.

7 Months

Leo turned 7 months old last week. He is a very happy and energetic little boy! Here are a few things about him this month:

- He talks quite a lot and sometimes hums to himself, in particular in the car and when he's falling asleep. He says "babababa," "bwabwabwa," and "mamamama" though he doesn't equate this sound with me.
- He now complains when he doesn't get what he wants or when he doesn't want to nap. He pretends he cries but doesn't have any tears!
- He laughs a lot -when he's tickled, when we pretend-scare him, when we run to him, when we make silly faces. And he gets hiccups every time he laughs, without fail.
- He's always in a good mood.
- When he doesn't want to drink his bottle, all I have to do is pretend I'm drinking it and he suddenly wants his milk back. Same thing when he wants my Iphone. If I pretend to be on the phone with a toy, he'll want that instead. Very useful!
- He is so full of energy. He never sits still anymore! He crawls, climbs, and walks when held. He bangs on everything. Even when I rock him to sleep he asks to be rocked even faster.
- He is no longer breastfed. He doesn't care much for solids yet unless it's read food (cut red pepper, bread, croissants!).
- He doesn't sleep through the night. He doesn't need a pacifier anymore but is used to eating and being rocked upright before bed. We'll wean from middle of the night feedings and sleep train once he's over jetlag.
- His hair is starting to curl in the back and above his ears. It's so cute!
- He has 2 bottom teeth. It's really cute to see them when he smiles.
- He loves people! On the plane he relished all the attention he could get (above all the attention from old women who didn't understand I was trying to rock my baby. TO SLEEP). He stares at people until they smile at him and then he smiles back. He also still raises his eyebrows a la Joey in Friends ("Howya doin'?"). It's pretty funny when he does that to women in the elevator or at the store.
- The main thing lately is that he is trying to explore everything and wanting to be independent. However, he wants me to be close by. He explores around me. He clims over me to see what's behind me. He crawls somewhere and then comes back to me and wants to be held. I know it's normal and it's really interesting to see it happen right there in front of our eyes. I don't know how I feel about his becoming more independent but I love that he needs me to be his own little person.
- I love him so much. I love him more and more every day. He's so, so, so awesome. I sing to him at night to his mobile music and tell him how much I love him. Usually it goes like this "I love you more than life, I love you more than Twix (replaced by food, books, baths, wine). That's how much I love you baby!" ;)

That's it. Leo in a nutshell at this point in time. And I tried to take his 7-month pictures. Um, FAIL! But those pics really show how energetic and fun he is.




Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Soon

I need to post about Léo's 7-month update and our trip to France. I have a lot to write and the thoughts are chaotic in my brain. It's hard to make these thoughts clear and write them down. Also I don't have much time to write right now. Expect 2 blog posts soon. Ish.




Friday, November 4, 2011

Bittersweet

This week marks the end of breastfeeding and pumping for Léo and me. He stopped nursing during the day a couple of months ago and I almost exclusively pumped for a while. My milk production was already low by that point and the pumping-only made it worse. I pumped about 10 ounces a day, which means Léo had formula for the majority of his meals. He still nursed at night but even then I had to nurse him AND feed him formula because nursing alone was not enough to settle him. With the trip to France approaching, I thought it might be a good time to stop all together -I don't want to bring a pump there, though I am considering buying a hand pump, which right there tells you how ambivalent I am about this whole 100% formula thing. To be clear, I don't mind giving him 100% formula, but I feel weird knowing I *could* give him breastmilk. It feels like the milk I am producing is going to waste -all 2 ounces of it! So... I am not going to have one last nursing session because that would just make me cry (heck, I'm crying writing this post!). I might just pump less and less and let my body understand I don't need it to produce milk anymore. I am glad to be done with breastfeeding / pumping, so I don't know why I get all emotional thinking about quitting. Maybe it would have been different had Léo continued to nurse during the day but right now pumping 3/4 times to get 10 ounces seems like a waste of time and energy since he's doing really well with formula and solids.

Anyway, it's the end of an era in
Léo's life -already! Now we move on to baby food and croissants. C'est la vie!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Baptism

On October 30, 2011 at 11 am Léo was baptized in the catholic faith at St Therese Parish. It was a beautiful celebration -though to be honest I was so focused on what to do and not messing up anything that I didn't fully enjoy or remember it!

I really love baptisms at my church! The music is lively, the priest smiles at those children like you wouldn't believe, and the congregation really gets into applauding each new little member of the community.

Joe always told me that if we had a baby he wanted him/her baptized in the Catholic church -because he was baptized Catholic. That was obviously fine with me. Having this celebration in this particular church also means a lot since I LOVE my church. It's diverse, the priest is from Kenya, it's focused on social justice, and the music is terrific. I want Léo to grow up surrounded by people who care about him, who live the Gospel and care for others, and who are not afraid to open their arms to "the other" -another color, another sexual orientation, another income bracket, etc. I know baptizing children can be controversial. I didn't do it so that he's not a heathen anymore but for the wish to welcome him into a community of faith.

I am so grateful for the Godparents he has. Joe's best friend, Bryan, nominated himself as Godfather even before Léo was born! Joe and he have a beautiful friendship that has lasted since high school. Léo is lucky to have 2 awesome Godmothers who are great friends of mine -and colleagues, which means I get to hang out with them all the time!-, Lisa and Jen. Those two are godly, caring, funny, and will be great examples for Léo. All 3 of them will help raise Léo in the Catholic faith while being more than open to the idea that he might question everything -even his faith (the one he doesn't yet have!).

Léo was very calm throughout the mass and baptism, even when he got dunked 3 times in the pool -aka the hot tub! Actually we fed him after he got dunked and he fell asleep. Good news: our night time routine of bath-feed-sleep works! He must have thought "bath, check; food, check; time to sleep now!"

I am thankful for this celebration, for God's love, for his grace, and for my boy's precious life.

Before the dunk.

After the dunks. I love his naked body!!

Introduction to the community.

Tired after mass.

Parents and godparents. And teething baby!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Compassion for moms of the world

When I was pregnant I cried often. Ok, I cried all the time. I watched a dumb TV show where women gave birth Linkand I cried. One birth, one big cup of tears. At church when baptisms were being celebrated, I bawled. It always had to do with babies. I thought it was the hormones. Ha. Haha. Hahaha. Nope. 6 months after delivery and here I am, still crying whenever I read/hear something joyous or tragic about babies.

It's normal. I am a mom. I can really empathize with other moms' joys and pains. Before I felt bad for them, but now I feel their pain in my heart. It's difficult because I want to hear about sad stories -so I cry a lot. I want my heart to be broken. I want my eyes to be open so that I do something to help others. Two examples of this have been particularly striking lately:
- Last week the USAID administrator, Dr Raj Shah, came to my place of work and told us of a woman he met at a feeding center in Somalia who had to choose which child she would carry to the center because she was too frail to carry both. Thought Sophie's Choice was literature? Think again. It happens every day. Can you imagine how tragic (for lack of a more powerful word) it must be to have to choose between your children and leave one behind?
- Today I watched a documentary called A Precious Life about an Israeli doctor who tries to save a Palestinian 4.5 month old baby. When the mom is told at first that no one matches her son for a bone marrow transplant, the look in her eyes and the way she looks at her baby's hands, like she's seeing them for the first and last time, is almost too painful to watch. That story is also so difficult because it takes place in a country that hasn't known peace in more than 50 years and where both parties have a legitimate right to exist -I am not going to get political here and will leave it at that. It was wonderful to see how two people who could hate each other ended up talking to each other, laughing together, hugging, and sharing a slice of life. At the same time, the documentary is a good reminder, if one needs such a thing, that life is fragile, that so many people live with little to no health care and that babies die every day for preventable reasons. It's also a good reminder that peace starts at the individual level.

I realize how fortunate I am to be born in France and for my son to be born in the US in an upper middle class environment. I realize how lucky I am that he's healthy and growing normally. As a matter of fact, he woke up and cried while I was writing this post. As I held him, rocked him, nursed him, kissed him, I thanked God for his good health. It's so easy to think about Somalia, the DRC, Afghanistan or Gaza as places so politically messed up that peace seems too far fetched to imagine. But when you get at individual level, when you think about the lives of mothers, fathers, brothers, children and what they go through day in and day out, then you have to want to do something, anything, to help. Personal plug in... If you want to do something about the famine in Africa, it's still time to give to the Ask 5 for 5 Campaign. Your funds will be matched once by a generous donor AND five times more by World Vision. That means that $5 is turned into $35 right there and then! Whatever the cause that makes your heart ache... do something!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Attitude Adjustment

I have been feeling so whiny lately, so I have decided to write ONE post in which I complain about everything I can think about and then be more positive. Here goes:

I am going to France in November. I am really excited about it because I'm going re-introduce Leo (smiling, babbling, not screaming all the time) to his French family. Also he's going to hear French 100% for a whole week and that makes me so happy. However, I am concerned about the flight, his sleep schedule, and sharing time between my mom and dad's houses.

I am still exhausted because Leo doesn't sleep well. Actually (please do not let this jinx the whole thing!!) he has been waking up only once for the past 2 night. AMENHALLELUIA! I hope it's a trend and not an exception. Still, I'm tired. I have taken on so many night-time responsibilities since Leo was born. His first night and the first weeks after that Joe slept soundly through the night while I was figuring out breastfeeding and his schedule. After that Joe wanted to help but I always refused. Even now he has to tell me "I'm getting up, stay down" otherwise I get up. I don't know why I do that -acting like such a hero/martyr. Waking up in the middle of the night and being exhausted is not getting me any brownie points. There is no glory in being so exhausted that you bump into walls and can't think straight. Yet, here I am, thinking I'm being sooo awesome because I get up all the time AND expecting Joe to see that really I am such a good mom for sacrificing so much sleep for Leo. Uh. I need to stop thinking like this and give Joe a chance to get up in the middle of the night, put Leo to bed, and share in the pain.

While I admire Joe for going back to school and am thrilled about the opportunities having a MBA will bring to his life, I'm a little annoyed that I spend so much time solo parenting. Joe is a great dad, no doubt about this. On Monday and Wednesday nights -and whenever he has to study- I still find myself resenting the fact that *I* have to parent alone for a while. I should just take an hour for myself every week instead of being so bitter -again!- about the "sacrifices" I make. Now I know I'm a mom and that right there means you don't get to go to Target or Barnes whenever you want to. As a wife I need to be supportive of Joe's schedule and need to spend a lot of time studying. I think it'd be easier if I had family around because I could just spend hours with them (or drop Leo off and go to Target and Barnes!). Maybe I should just call up friends and spend a couple of hours with them on weekends. That way it won't feel so lonely anymore.

I feel that my interest in work and career is rising again but I am frustrated because my skills are not easily transferable and competition is fierce. I am a generalist and I would love to be a specialist -and have no idea how to get from point A to point B without some field or grad school experience. At the same time, I want to work part time (eventually maybe not at all when we have 2 kids), which means putting my career on hold for a bit. The two ideas -wanting to do more with my career / wanting to help more kids and wanting to stay home with Leo- conflict greatly in my mind right now.

I feel fat. I'm the same weight as I was 3 weeks after Leo's birth. I need to get my butt to the gym and lose the cellulite that's building up on my butt, thighs, and belly. Uh, gross.

Ok, I think that's it. There, it's all written down. That felt good. Now I can do something about my issues or shut my mouth. Good, let's move on!

Monday, October 17, 2011

Excuse My French.

I need a serious mouth washing. With soap and all. I usually think cussing is pretty funny. In particular I love using the phrases I learn in Dexter (thanks, Debra Morgan!). But I need to stop. First I cuss like a mad woman in front of Leo, which is not really fine. Second, I am not all mentally there these days and have cussed in 2 very unfortunate situations -both using my phone while driving. I guess I need to stop more than one bad habit!
#1- I left a voicemail to a doctor, in which I was super polite and jolly. 5 seconds after I hang up, a man cut in front of me and started driving 5 miles an hour. I was late. I was pissed. So I cussed him. Problem is... I never actually hung up the phone, so the doc must have heard an earful of not so friendly words. Uh.
#2 - Today again I phoned another doctor to say I was running late -I am ALWAYS late these days! A woman almost drove into my car and I had a slight brain fart, during which I forgot I was on the phone and yelled "F you." Uh, sh*t.

This is embarrassing. I really need to stop cussing so much!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Update on sleep training

I feel like an addict who's always pushing the date s/he will stop using to "tomorrow!" I am pushing sleep training back to later this week for 2 reasons: Joe is in school on Monday and Wednesday and I don't think I can do it alone; and Léo is getting shots tomorrow -again, I don't know that I'll be able to do sleep training alone with a baby who might be fussy from the shots and who is currently teething.

So... Thursday it is. I'll update you then.

Today he refused to nap after 1:30 so he fell asleep while drinking his last bottle at 6PM. No sleep training needed anyway. Good thing!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Sleep Training.

My baby is crying. Tonight we're doing sleep training again. Be still my heart. Be still, my feet. This is the hardest thing to hear -above all because Léo never cries. But I really don't know what else to do. I'm at a loss.

We tried sleep training once and I botched it big time. A month ago maybe I couldn't handle being up in the middle of the night for hours at a time so I decided that this was it, sleep training had to start. I gathered advise from my friends who had done it and we started with the Ferber method -you let your child cry but check on him every 5/7/10/15 minutes. We decided to go and check on him every 5 minutes. The first night, he cried for 50 minutes. Joe checked on him and I finally picked him up and rocked him until he was drowsy -at that point I put him back to bed. That is called "pick up, put down" or PUPD in the baby-friendly acronym lingo. The second night he cried for 30 minutes and 20 minutes the 3rd night. After that, I don't know. I might have stopped sleep training right there. The pick ups became more frequent and I put him down sleepier and sleepier. Sleep training was officially a bust. He keeps on waking in the middle of the night for hours at a time and I keep on wishing I knew what to do.

For the past few nights it has become worse. That might be because he's teething, but that might also be because he's 6 months old and understand that crying will get us to him bedroom stat. It's taken a long time to put him back to bed in the middle of the night and tonight he flat out refused to be rocked or to be put down in his crib. My over tired baby wanted to play! So that's it: we're doing sleep training again. Joe told me to take a walk, but it's cold and dark outside. I might watch something on Netflix with headphones on. Uh. I just don't know what else to do. I have tried rocking, patting, feeding, shushing, walking. Nothing seems to work. So Ferber method, here we come. Again.

I heard somewhere that ALL sleep training methods works as long as parents are consistent. So let's try to be.

Have you dealt with sleep issues? What worked?

Monday, October 10, 2011

The Shift

For about 2 weeks now I have really enjoyed spending time with Leo. I liked spending time with him before but was equally happy to leave him with the nanny or at day care because I felt they could take care of him as well as, if not better than, I could. I was so focused on his nap schedule that anxiety took over and I could not enjoy time with him without thinking "he should be sleeping right now. When will he sleep? Is he going to be messed up later because he doesn't sleep now? Is he going to have a bad night because he's not napping?" That was becoming slightly annoying. And then I stopped worrying. I saw a therapist specialized in post-partum anxiety to talk about it and she said that I should spend more time with Leo because the more you do something the less anxious you become (this is totally NOT true of flying on an airplane, lemme tell you) and she also said that Leo would be fine and would make up for short naps during the night or the next day. Duh. For some reason, the fact that an "expert" explained this to me clicked, and I have felt liberated. I am now enjoying time with Leo 100%. I don't think about naps too much and I don't fret about his future intelligence. I think this has made a difference in the way he interacts with me as well. Before, I felt he really wanted to spend time with Joe whereas now he seeks me out to rest and play. I also notice little things that I didn't notice before, like the way he holds on to me when I carry him or play with him. He might be independent and not that cuddly but he always has a hand on me while he explores and plays. I feel like Sally Field did when she received her Oscar: "You really like me!!"

I am really taking advantage of this new relationship and the fact that I can be alone with him without stressing. I still have a little bit of anxiety on Mondays and Wednesdays when Joe is at school, but the past week was fine and I'm sure anxiety will subside. Right now I'm working (and blogging. Ahem) in my bedroom while Leo is in the living room... and I miss him! I just want to tell the nanny to go home so that I can spend more time with my boy. It just feels so good to be able to really focus on him and enjoy him fully.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

6 Months!

Happy half birthday to my sweet boy!! I cannot believe he's 6 months! It's like the Holy Grail of babyhood: you're done with exclusive breastfeeding (pat on the back from me to me, he's still breastfed, though not quite exclusively).

A few milestones reached:
- He says "babababa" which is really super cute because you can see how his brain works to make the sound.
- He sits up alone.
- He has a pretty regular schedule during the night: he wakes at 11:30 and 2:30 to feed and wakes up at 6 o'clock. Most nights he stays up for 45' after either feeding. Oy.
- He loves the jumparoo. We sing to him and he jumps in rhythm.
- He's trying to crawl by lifting his butt but he doesn't understand that he needs to move his knees.
- He is a great car napper -which is awesome since he sleeps on the way to and from day care.

I can't wait to see what this month brings -food, for one!

6 weeks.
6 months.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

And We're Back!

We're almost all moved in. Boxes are cleared and clothes folded. Now we have to decorate the walls and find a place for my books. We also have to buy a new table and chairs as well as a desk for me to work and Joe to study.

Joe went back to school... and he's staying enrolled! One class is really fascinating to me: leadership and evidence-based management. I'm reading his material with interest. The other two classes are stats and econ. I won't be looking at these books anytime soon. We still need to figure out a routine for our week -when he studies, when I can have a bit of time to breathe, when I cook (well, yes). I think it's going to be fine. I just have to stop thinking about his graduation date (Dec 2013. Aaargh. Léo will almost be 3 years old. WHAT?!?) and take it one day at a time.

Léo has been such a ham lately. He understands that we might be around even when he can't see us, so he's looking for us all the time and is so happy when he finally spots us. Tonight I was taking a shower and he was on the bedroom bed. I could see him peek in the bathroom to see me and he had a huge grin on his face every time I said hi. It's nice to have these moments when he looks for us. It makes up for the fact that he's not cuddly at all anymore! I long for hugs and kisses, but he's into discovering the world around him and bouncing. I'm sure the time for hugs will come back. I am really trying to enjoy his still being a baby because I know I'll regret this phase when he's 2 or 3 years old.

Today he said "ba-ba-ba-ba" repeatedly. Yay, he's beginning to talk!! He has such a cute face when he says baba. And then he laughs because he sees us laugh and smile so much -and clap, but that stops him dead in his tracks, so we don't do that too much. I am dumbly so proud of him for saying this syllable. I mean, it's normal for babies to say that, but I still feel super happy that he's saying it repeatedly. He makes my heart burst with love, this boy!

For the past 2 nights he's woken up only once to eat and he hasn't been up for an hour (usually 3 to 4) like he's used to. He just eats and goes back to bed. I pray this will stay this way for a while. It feels good to not dread the nights. I remember when I was pregnant reading about a friend whose 5 month old baby still woke up in the middle of the night. Oh how judgmental I was! I told myself I would follow the baby wise method and would never allow my baby to wake up throughout the night after 12 weeks. Ha. Haha. Hahaha. We're at 25 weeks and I'm happy he only wakes up once. Having a baby is one great lesson in humility.

I feel that not much is going on but my calendar is full. It seems that the weeks zoom by. I am making an effort to document what Léo is doing and to pause to see him grow, but it still feels that time if flying by. Maybe that's what happens when you're a parent. One friend said "the days are long but the years are short." It is so true. Some days are so slooow but then the weeks and months seem to pass by too fast. So I'm trying to slow down and enjoy each moment.

Gah I sound so Carpe Diem-y. Next thing you know I'll be on a chair saying "Oh Captain my Captain!"

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Busy!

We have been quite busy this past week as we found an apartment and have to pack and move by Wednesday -when Joe goes back to school. The movers are actually coming tomorrow, so we spent a lot of time organizing and packing this weekend. Léo has had a very spotty nap schedule lately (i.e., he only took an hour nap on Friday and about 2 smallish naps yesterday and today) and still wakes up at least 3 times during the night (sometimes up to an hour at a time - I botched sleep training, which will be the topic of a post soon) so this packing in a hurry thing was a tad stressful and tiring. My brain has never been so scattered!

Our former downstairs neighbors visited this weekend, which was really great! We lived in a duplex last year. They went back to Texas at the end of June and we've been missing them since. It has been good to spend time with them.

I'm off tomorrow to finish packing. Léo will be at someone else's house -the person we nanny share with. I'll have a couple of hours in the morning to pack Léo's room. We want to pack it last and unpack it first so that he's not too distressed with living in another apartment.

Between the move and Joe's going back to school, I pray everything goes well this week. Expect updates and pictures soon.

Monday, September 19, 2011

A hungry child can't wait: Ask 5 for 5



Guest Blogger: Sarah Lenssen from #Ask5for5

Family photos by Mike Fiechtner Photography

Thank you Living Ubuntu and nearly 150 other bloggers from around the world for allowing me to share a story with you today, during Social Media Week.

A hungry child in East Africa can't wait. Her hunger consumes her while we decide if we'll respond and save her life. In Somalia, children are stumbling along for days, even weeks, on dangerous roads and with empty stomachs in search of food and water. Their crops failed for the third year in a row. All their animals died. They lost everything. Thousands are dying along the road before they find help in refugee camps.
At my house, when my three children are hungry, they wait minutes for food, maybe an hour if dinner is approaching. Children affected by the food crisis in Ethiopia, Kenya, and Somalia aren't so lucky. Did you know that the worst drought in 60 years is ravaging whole countries right now, as you read this? Famine, a term not used lightly, has been declared in Somalia. This is the world's first famine in 20 years.12.4 million people are in need of emergency assistance and over 29,000 children have died in the last three months alone. A child is dying every 5 minutes. It it estimated that 750,000 people could die before this famine is over. Take a moment and let that settle in.

The media plays a major role in disasters. They have the power to draw the attention of society to respond--or not. Unfortunately, this horrific disaster has become merely a footnote in most national media outlets. News of the U.S. national debt squabble and the latest celebrity's baby bump dominate headlines. That is why I am thrilled that nearly 150 bloggers from all over the world are joining together today to use the power of social media to make their own headlines; to share the urgent need of the almost forgotten with their blog readers. Humans have the capacity to care deeply for those who are suffering, but in a situation like this when the numbers are too huge to grasp and the people so far away, we often feel like the little we can do will be a drop in the ocean, and don't do anything at all.



When news of the famine first hit the news in late July, I selfishly avoided it. I didn't want to read about it or hear about it because I knew I would feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable. I wanted to protect myself. I knew I would need to do something if I knew what was really happening. You see, this food crisis is personal. I have a 4-year-old son and a 1 yr-old daughter who were adopted from Ethiopia and born in regions now affected by the drought. If my children still lived in their home villages, they would be two of the 12.4 million. My children: extremely hungry and malnourished? Gulp. I think any one of us would do anything we could for our hungry child. But would you do something for another mother's hungry child?




My friend and World Vision staffer, Jon Warren, was recently in Dadaab Refugee Camp in Kenya--the largest refugee camp in the world with over 400,000 people. He told me the story of Isnino Siyat, 22, a mother who walked for 10 days and nights with her husband, 1 yr-old-baby, Suleiman, and 4 yr.-old son Adan Hussein, fleeing the drought in Somalia. When she arrived at Dadaab, she built the family a shelter with borrowed materials while carrying her baby on her back. Even her dress is borrowed. As she sat in the shelter on her second night in camp she told Jon, "I left because of hunger. It is a very horrible drought which finished both our livestock and our farm." The family lost their 5 cows and 10 goats one by one over 3 months, as grazing lands dried up. "We don't have enough food now...our food is finished. I am really worried about the future of my children and myself if the situation continues."




Will you help a child like Baby Suleiman? Ask5for5 is a dream built upon the belief that you will.

That something I knew I would need to do became a campaign called #Ask5for5 to raise awareness and funds for famine and drought victims. The concept is simple, give $5 and ask five of your friends to give $5, and then they each ask five of their friends to give $5 and so on--in nine generations of 5x5x5...we could raise $2.4 Million! In one month, over 750 people have donated over $25,000! I set up a fundraiser at See Your Impact and 100% of the funds will go to World Vision, an organization that has been fighting hunger in the Horn of Africa for decades and will continue long after this famine has ended. Donations can multiply up to 5 times in impact by government grants to help provide emergency food, clean water, agricultural support, healthcare, and other vital assistance to children and families suffering in the Horn.

I need you to help me save lives. It's so so simple; here's what you need to do:
  1. Donate $5 or more on this page (http://seeyourimpact.org/members/ask5for5)

  2. Send an email to your friends and ask them to join us.

  3. Share #Ask5for5 on Facebook and Twitter!

I'm looking for another 100 bloggers to share this post on their blogs throughout Social Media Week. Email me at ask5for5@gmail.com if you're interested in participating this week.

A hungry child doesn't wait. She doesn't wait for us to finish the other things on our to-do list, or get to it next month when we might have a little more money to give. She doesn't wait for us to decide if she's important enough to deserve a response. She will only wait as long as her weakened little body will hold on...please respond now and help save her life. Ask 5 for 5.

Thank you on behalf of all of those who will be helped--you are saving lives and changing history.

p.s. Please don't move on to the next website before you donate and email your friends right now. It only takes 5 minutes and just $5, and if you're life is busy like mine, you probably won't get back to it later. Let's not be a generation that ignores hundreds of thousands of starving people, instead let's leave a legacy of compassion. You have the opportunity to save a life today!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Sept 11th, 10 years after

10 years ago the most virulent attack on American ground shook the world for the worst. Everybody will remember what they were doing when they learnt the news just as our grandparents remember what they were doing when they heard that JFK had been shot. I was at my parents' home on a day off from my summer job. I had been working on my thesis about American action heroes in movies and had watched all movies with Willis, Stallone, and Schwarzenegger. I turned on the TV in the middle of the afternoon and saw one tower burning. I just thought "Die Hard is on" and switched the channel, only to find that EVERY channel had the same images and that they were definitely not from a movie (in my defense, if you watch Die Hard, you'll find similarities). I watched, incredulous, as the towers fell and as the previously aired shots of the planes crashing into the towers were played over and over again.

Because I am not American, these events didn't shake me to the core -what they did do for sure was instill a terrible fear of flying in my system. I analyzed the event with a detached political science background and to this day cannot imagine what you Americans went through that day. I try to imagine terrorists attacking Paris with that brutality, and frankly my mind goes blank. That's just too much violence and hatred to fathom.

This morning while walking to church I heard a mom say "I don't know whether they had killed the pilot first, sweetie" and thought I was lucky that I didn't have to explain what had happened to Léo. It must be so difficult to tell your children about this. The homily this morning reminded us that Jesus told us to forgive 7 times 70 times and that we should all remember 9/11 by doing something good for our community and the world. When Léo is old enough to ask questions, I hope I'll be able to tell him what happened but also encourage him to make the world a better place and to be kind to others, always.

I have empathy for what you and your country have been through. I hope the war on terror will end soon. I hope 9/11 will stop being used as an excuse to refuse to understand other peoples and religions. I pray that those who lost someone in the attacks will heal and find beauty in the memories of those they have lost.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

5 months!

Léo is now 5 months old. I see him grow day after day and he's becoming a really fun boy to be around. Two nights ago I stood next to his crib and watched him sleep. He just looked so small. It reminded me that even though he seems to learn something new everyday, understands us better, develops a sense of humor, etc, he's still just a baby. He's my baby. I said that when he was about 6 weeks old and it still applies: he's already 5 months old, yet he's only 5 months old.

He has changed SO much in a month!
- He loves to laugh with his dad. He also loves being "thrown" in the air. He has a super cute laugh.
- He has found and constantly eats his feet.
- He loves to try to hold his bottles. He doesn't really like to nurse during the day anymore so I've had to pump and bottle feed him a lot. At times I use TV as a way to hold his attention so that he finishes his bottles.
- His sleep has really changed. He now sleeps in his crib, unswaddled. At night he wakes up twice to feed -at 1 and 4 (no more 11 feedings, I think). After 4 he has a really hard time falling back asleep. He doesn't take long naps anymore. He needs to be rocked to sleep -well if we sleep trained him he would not need to be rocked, but we haven't started that yet.
- He "talks" a bit more -i.e., he grunts less. He loves talking to Piper.
- He drools TONS.
- He grabs everything and puts everything in his mouth.
- We fed him oatmeal cereal and bananas but he didn't care for either.
- He can sit and stand if we support him. He's still pretty immobile, which is nice since our home is not baby proof at all!
- He smiles a lot. At everybody.

He still rocks my world every day. I love this little boy so much!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Delight!

Joe and Léo have a fantastic relationship. I have already written that Joe would be a great stay-at-home dad. He is dedicated and relishes every second he spends with his son. Likewise, if Léo knows that Joe is in the house but can't see him, he will look for him until Joe is back in the room. If I nurse him and he hears his dad, he will stop, look for him, and grin -and then won't nurse again and I have to pump, but that's another story! Joe is the one person who can make Léo laugh and squeal in delight. I love seeing them together. Tonight Joe left for 4 days and we're going to miss him. I can't wait for him to get back to see my boy giggle like this again:

(this video is loading up in a weird way. You have to play with your mouse and "find" the play button somewhere near the video screen to play the video. Sometimes it's above the play button and sometimes it's below it. Go figure...)

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I see the light!

It's amazing how fast habits change in the life of an infant.

We moved Léo from his co-sleeper in our bedroom to his crib in his bedroom on Friday. That night was an epic failure and he spent most of the time in our bed. Well, it was a failure because he didn't sleep well in his bed but it was nice to spend the night so close to him. On Saturday, he had sort of a rough time falling asleep but then slept from 8p-1a. On Sunday he also slept well -from 8p to 2a- but had a really difficult time falling asleep, so much so that I had to take a little breather before realizing he was just hot and hungry. After we put the A/C on and fed him he fell asleep within 5 minutes. Duh. Tonight I was bracing myself for another rough time rocking him to sleep but I put him in his crib and he fell asleep. Right there and then! It's been 3 hours and he hasn't moved. He finally found a position that he likes -which means he's not rolling over all the time. He still wakes himself up from 4-6 and then wants to play and talk and eat his feet, but he now sleeps pretty well from the time he goes to bed to 1-2 for a feeding and then again until about 4.

I don't want to jinx anything, but I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel-of-no-sleep!! JOY!

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Comfort Gesture

I noticed that Léo scratches his head when he's tired. I thought that was really cute. Then tonight while rocking him to sleep (yes, I have to rock him to sleep these days), I did what I always do at night when he nurses: I pass one hand in circles through his hair. I do that as a way to be comforting to him even though I don't talk to him during the night. Only tonight did I put 2 and 2 together: he's scratching his head the way I caress his hair at night.
My baby boy has copied this night time habit and made it his to comfort himself when he's tired. That's so sweet!

Friday, August 26, 2011

4 Months Stats

Leo had his 4-month appointment today. He is 26 inches tall and weighs 15 pounds. He got his shots and was not happy about it. I'm still a super happy camper because I could answer YES to all the questions the doctor asked (does he grab things, does he smile, does he laugh, does he blow bubbles) and because he recommended we start cereals to make him gain a bit of weight -he's at 25% for weight but 50-75% for height. I'm beyond excited to start solids!!! Watch out Martha, Immana make my own baby food. Well, you know, as long as it's pureed stuff, we should be fine. Yay!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The New Normal

Before I became a mom one of my colleagues said "once you're used to something, it'll change. Or something else will come up. Nothing will remain the same for more than a few weeks." This has proven so true in the last few weeks.

Léo has always been a sleepy head. When he was born he spent about 20 hours per day sleeping. He could take 4 or even 5-hour naps during the day. As recently as a few weeks ago, he was only awake for about 6 hours per day (he took a 3-hour nap in the morning, followed by roughly 2 2-hour naps in the afternoon). That little boy could pack on the zzzzzs. That has dramatically changed lately because of his new schedule at day care. He still takes a long nap in the morning, but his afternoon naps are all over the place. He usually only takes one nap, lasting from 1 to 2 hours max. That means that he's a tiiiired little boy in the evening. He's a bit fussy, a bit less smiling, doesn't look at us because he's too exhausted for stimulation, and needs to go to bed between 6:30 and 7:30.

That's our new normal. I barely see him now -the 40 minute commute each way doesn't count as we can't really interact. When we get home at 6, I nurse him and then Joe and I have anywhere from no time to 30 minutes before we start his night time routine. I'm not sure I like this new normal yet. I know it's what all working moms go through. I will adapt. So will he.


Sorry this blog has taken on a very complain-y tone lately. This is part of the adaptation. I promise to be more cheerful soon!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Cut out to be a (SAH) mother?

First let me wish a happy birthday to my sweet husband. He is such a good life partner and an even greater dad. He loves Léo so much, wants to hold him all the time, never gets impatient, and can make him laugh like no one else can. Happy birthday, my love.

I wrote this post, published it, and took it back. I'm hesitant to talk about the topic of motherhood because, well, I am now a mother and I don't want anyone to think that I regret being one or that I'd rather do something else with my life. I love being a mom. I love Leo. I am just... not 100% mother -who is, right? I just hope this post is not misunderstood. Anyway, I decided to publish after all, so here goes:

Joe was cut out to be a dad. He wanted to be a dad before he was 30. When we were talking about my trip to Africa, we had a deal that I would stop birth control after I came back -he was already 30 when I left. He has always wanted children. And boy, he was not joking. He's been such a great dad. He would be a great stay-at-home dad. He takes pleasure in every little thing Léo does, doesn't stress about Léo's upbringing, and you can tell on his face that he just loves every minute he spends with his son.

Me? Not so much. Don't get me wrong. I love Léo with all my heart and soul. I would do anything for him. I could cry I love him so much. However, I was not exactly the happiest person on earth when that test came back positive. I had big plans for my life -a year in Cambodia, maybe going back to school. (Léo, if you read that one day, know that I had doubt for all of 2 weeks before embracing pregnancy. Don't you dare use it as an excuse to be a pain in the butt, punk!). Needless to say, those plans are on hold indefinitely. I am now focused on being a good mom. That being said, I don't feel that I could be a good stay-at-home mom. Sometimes I even wonder whether I am cut to be a mother, period. There, I said it. As much as I want to spend more time with my boy, I am not sure I would be the best person to raise him 100% of the time. This might be due to the fact that I always question myself and the way I raise him. That's tiring. Knowing that other people are taking care of him during the day allows me to take a breather and not make my brain smoke because of too many questions. I don't necessarily enjoy working and I feel that being a SAHM would allow me that: to not work anymore. Gasp! The main reason I want to stay home has nothing to do with the pull I feel to be a good mother. That's why the best option right now would be to work part time: I would have time for my career, would not question my decisions with Léo all the time, yet I would spend more time with Léo. I think I'd like to spend all my time with him when he's a bit older. I probably will feel better about my choices once he and I can communicate better. I know questioning oneself is parenthood 101, but right now I couldn't handle always thinking that I am not good enough for him. I'm happy to let other people be good enough. I'll take over in a little while...

Monday, August 15, 2011

Someone is rolling over!

Immobility (aka "don't move, mommy will be right back!"), begone! That also means we have to get rid of the swaddle. Oy. He's trying to fall asleep as I type and it's not going too well.

Challenge for the Year

Blog challenge, that is. I created another blog to record this coming year, one photo per day. I am guessing these photos will mostly be shot with my Iphone, so don't expect high quality! I am hoping this blog will become a keepsake for Leo, since I'm guessing the blog will be, oh, 90% focused on him!

It should be an interesting and fun year!



Sunday, August 14, 2011

Ask 5 for 5 (and help starving people in the Horn of Africa)

So here is the deal. When something as tragic as the drought in the Horn of Africa hits, it's hard to know what to do. Sarah, whom I mentioned in a previous post, is the brain and inspiration behind a movement that could change and SAVE thousands of lives. Her concept is simple: donate $5 (just $5!) and ask 5 friends to do the same -they donate and ask 5 friends to donate and pass the word, etc. After 9 iterations, the funds raised total about 2 million dollars. Yup, MILLION!

Please, consider donating and telling your friends about this movement. Post it on Facebook or Twitter, write emails, talk about it at work. We have the power to "do something about it."

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

4 months

Goodness! Léo is already 4 months old. Today was his first full day at day care. He did awesome. I didn't do so well. Fortunately my great friend Lisa dropped her son at the same time and gave me a bear hug while I dried my tears, put on a smile, and wished Léo a good day. He was so tired when I got him back that he fell asleep in the car and only stayed awake for an hour after we got home. So this is how it's going to be from now on... I'll see him a little in the morning, a little in the car (2 hours+ of commute. Poor little guy!) and a little in the evening. Oh and then twice during the night, but that doesn't really count. He will spend between 11 and 12 hours outside of the house every time he goes to day care. I know this is what all working parents have to go through but it is really frustrating. I miss my baby!

Recap of this month:

- His eyes are starting to be green. They're still beautiful.
- He now only blows bubbles as a comfort mechanism, when he's tired or stressed. He doesn't really coo but grunts a bunch.
- He smiles all the time. He laughs a lot, too -mainly at Joe when he makes silly dance moves and when we raise him in the air and bring him down super fast. It's so cute to see him stare at Joe and wait for him to make him laugh. He has hiccups every time he laughs.
- He's great at grabbing stuff and putting everything in his mouth (or his eyes, when he misses his target!). That is true of my face, which he loves to eat (see video after picture). I brag that he likes kissing me, but in reality he might just be hungry. You can see him grab his hand at one point, as if he needed to suck on something. I don't know whether he knows what a kiss is at this point -though I kiss him 10 times per minute so by now he should know what it is!!
- He's discovered the dogs. He loves trying to grab them.
- He almost rolls over from back to front but he doesn't know what to do with his arms so he gets stuck. He hasn't rolled from front to back in ages. This almost rolling over thing is annoying at night when he's swaddled. I think the swaddle days are almost over, unfortunately.
- He drinks from bottles without a problem and wakes up 2 to 3 times per night. He drinks a bit of formula each day so that his stomach gets used to it -though a couple of weeks ago he didn't poop for 11 days, which was a bit scary. Yes, I have become one of those moms who talk about poop shamelessly!
- He's starting to love books. I like reading "I love you through and through" and "Whoever you are."
- He's still super mellow and really easy going.

We love him so much!!!


Sunday, August 7, 2011

New Eyes (for East Africa)

Never before had images of starving kids impacted me as much as they do now. Of course now I see with a mother's eyes. What is happening in the Horn of Africa is terrible. More than 30,000 children under 5 may have died. I never know what to do to help when something like this happens -coming from someone who works in development, this might sound strange, but true. Fortunately, Sarah -who is a friend and colleague- wants to do something and will tell us about her plans soon. I will share them here. Babies dying are always tragic, but it's worse when the cause of death can and should be prevented. Seeing images of mothers bringing their dying children to feeding centers is unbearable. I know it's hard to choose which issue to focus on when there is so much injustice in the world. I don't expect everybody to be interested in the famine in Africa. But right now, this is one issue I want to focus on because, as selfish as it sounds, I can relate.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

A Few Thoughts About Work

The first week of work after maternity leave has come and gone. It was not as bad as I thought it would be, mainly because Joe and his mom took care of Léo. The hardest part of last week was actually letting go of thinking that I am the only person who knows exactly what Léo needs and being ok with having other people make decisions about his daily activities / sleep schedule. Work was all right. Of course the highlight of the week was seeing my friends again and being able to go by their cubes and chat. The low point was probably realizing that I might be doing this job for a few years.

Indeed, it seems that my supervisors have very clear ideas about who can get promoted. It's not necessarily "who" actually but "what it takes." In my case, 2 years abroad. I don't have that on my resume nor will I in the next few years. This means that at this point my career is at a stand still. This could be ok, but I realized last week that I don't love my job so much that I can stay put for a couple of years. Before going back to work, I gave much consideration to a part time option but decided against it because I thought this schedule would not make me a good candidate for promotion -also because my boss thought PT would not be ideal. Now I realize I am not going to be promoted anyway unless I apply for a job outside of my department. This is annoying. I like having goals and putting plans in place to advance. I feel stuck right now in a job that does pay well but doesn't really fulfill me anymore. I know my main focus needs to be on Léo and not on career at this time -but that makes me question even more the validity of going back full time.

I have always considered myself a driven person. I think I am still driven and ambitious -I say I think because I haven't focused on this topic for a while now. I want a career, but I don't want a job that just pays the bill. I could stay home with Léo -our budget would be tight but we could make it work- so work must/should be meaningful and fulfilling. Working for a humanitarian organization IS meaningful of course, but I somehow need to know that what I do is worth it, that I am leaving Léo in the care of someone else (for a quarter to half of my salary) for a good reason. This might sound whiny. Maybe my thoughts about work are very critical right now because leaving my baby to someone else is not easy and going back to some dreadful aspects of my job really annoyed me this last week.

Of course I won't make any drastic decision for a while. I will not consider any changes until Joe decides what he wants to do about school. I will however be thinking about what an optimal situation would look like -what would make me feel good about the fact that I work and leave Léo to day care- and about steps to achieve that goal. In the meantime, I will be a diligent worker and will look for opportunities to work on projects which I enjoy the most.

Sorry this post is not clearly structured. These thoughts are obviously quite new and I haven't had time to process them completely, if at all. I just needed to share what this week has brought up in terms of priorities and preferences.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Finding God in the Mundane

In an email to a friend, I told her I haven't opened a Bible or prayed in months. Here is what she emailed back:

'You know, in some stages of life, such as in the early days of motherhood, etc. sometimes prayer is looking at your baby's hand and thanking God for the wonder and tenderness of His care and image in this precious child. That prayer of the heart...cherishing God in the day-to-day life of motherhood...IS devotion and prayer.'

That warmed my heart. God in Léo's hand... So evident, yet so good to hear.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

7-Year Cycle

I thought that the year I was 16 was the best year of my life. I cried when I turned 17! When I was 23, Joe proposed and I graduated from la Sorbonne. At 30, I gave birth to Léo.

I can't wait to be 37!

Friday, July 29, 2011

Last Day

Today is the last day I spend alone with Léo. I don't quite know how I feel. Sad for sure. I enjoy spending time with him -and spending time relaxing when he naps! I love staying at home when the weather is good. I love finding new ways to make him laugh during the day. At the same time, I am looking forward to seeing my friends again and to get out of the house more. I feel that my brain is pretty fuzzy (think old TV which refuses to work) and it might be hard to sustain intelligent conversations for a while but it'll be good to try! I always knew I would go back to work, so I am not crushed that it's already August. I am surprised that time went by so quickly, however. My baby is already 16 weeks old -well, tomorrow.

I will definitely go back to work with a new attitude. I hate to sound so shallow, but I know I am not going to get promoted anytime soon, so I will take it easy. I will do my job well but I won't try to go too much above and beyond since there will be no sustainable gain in the end. For now I will focus on catching up with everything that has happened in the past 3.5 months and on pumping enough milk for Léo. It should not be stressful at all.

Still, I will miss my bundle of boy!

Update: Ok, so I've been crying about it this evening. I really will miss him!