I know... I sound like a broken record. Leo has sleep issues. As a result Joe and I have sleep issues. I am not doing well at all. I am reluctant to write this because I know I complain a lot about little things. Ok, I complain about little things all the freaking time. But this is not a little thing. When we got back from France I thought about how disconnected I felt from my country and fellow French people. But then I realized I have felt disconnected from pretty much everything for a long time. In the first few weeks of Leo's life, hormonal craziness and chaos were normal and to be expected. Then I didn't care about much because I was so happy being a mom -just like when I was pregnant. Bliss was all around. Now I am thinking that my not caring is due to something close to depression. I just... don't. care. It's like there's a flat line in my brain. I am not interested in anything -I don't plan for the future, I don't make lists, I don't read, I don't care about baths. I know, this sounds nerdy and superficial, but before Leo was born those were the things that made me happy! My marriage, work, and friendships suffer. And... well, I do care (yay!). I know what I need. I need SLEEP. Big time.
But there's just one problem: Leo won't sleep. Last night he was up from 10-130 and then again from 4-5. The night before he was up from 3-5. During this time he's tired but I can't make him fall asleep. I rock and rock. And rock. And rock. And think that really, I must do sleep training again. But of course there's always something: developmental milestone, teething, a cold, a trip to France, teething again, another cold, and then he stands up in his crib and I don't know how to approach sleep training - mostly because he tries to stand up on his own, which means he doesn't hold on to the crib and falls backward. The mom whose baby shares a nanny with us told me to just start "ferberizing" him tonight. So we might.
I really do need to sleep. I need to find a piece of the old me. I don't want to be the "old" me: I have changed and acknowledge that. I just need to be able to care again, to focus, to be a good mom/wife/friend/employee. I'll let you know how that goes. Stay tuned for yet another post on sleep!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thankful
I try to remember to be thankful every day but sometimes routine and lack of sleep make me feel a bit frustrated. Today is a time to pause and reflect on all the reasons why I am grateful -and gives me a reason to make a list, and I LOVE making lists :)
- An amazing husband who is loving, kind, and patient, and our son Léo, our ray of sunshine. The best thing that has happened to us. Corny but true.
- Great family, including my in-laws (I really couldn't have wished for better in-laws) as well as a wonderful circle of close friends. I am so grateful for everyone of them for their insights, humor, intelligence, and role in my life.
- Materially, I am grateful for a roof over my head, food on the table every evening, all the amenities I want in my house.
- A job. I might complain about it, but it's a job, and generally a good one for an amazing cause -children's well being- and it has to be said, relatively good money.
- Good health. That is so important.
Overall I do have a pretty amazing life. I do complain. A lot. But I know that I am one lucky woman. I do not take that for granted.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
All. Night. Long!
I read on an awesome blog of something called 'humble bragging." It's when someone says, for instance "I looked like sh*t when I talked to George Clooney!" Yeah, you want to answer "STFU!". So I'm going to do that right here: Léo woke us up every hour last night because he's practicing lifting himself up in his sleep. I'm really not bragging, but because complaining about your kid's progress could be considered humble bragging at its best, I'm calling myself out!
Friday, November 18, 2011
A stranger in my own land
For the first time since I've moved to the US 6 years ago I really felt like a stranger in France. This disconnect has really annoyed me. I guess that's what happens when you don't travel to your homeland for more than 2 years -and you become a mom in the meantime. French and US American cultures are not that different. We all enjoy a fairly good lifestyle and take pleasure in the same things. On a daily basis though little differences mean that French and Americans might find that they are actually quite different in how they think and interact with one another.
For instance before this trip I never found French people rude. This time, however, I got a sense of French flair right as I got off the plane in Paris. Air France doesn't let you get back the stroller you gate checked at the gate. You get it back at baggage claim. So I had Leo in the Ergo, a backpack, my carry on (with wheels, thank goodness), and his car seat + base. I seriously looked like a donkey. Do you think anyone would have asked to help? Nope. On the way back on the contrary 2 or 3 people asked whether they could help me. Right there is a big difference between our two cultures.
Then I went grocery shopping. The cashier was so slow and so rude. I couldn't believe it! And of course I knew it wouldn't be worth it to complain because that would go on deaf ears (I know, I was a cashier in this very supermarket). In another store, the 2 cashiers were talking together and very audibly sighed when they had to care for my purchases. Seriously? Tourists in France deal mainly with customer service representatives (and people in line who cut in front of you) -and I think that's why they think French are so rude. Because they are! However, French men are gentlemen who will open and hold doors for women. They don't even think twice about it. That's quite nice.
French people also don't like people too much. They love friends and family but they won't go out of their way for people they don't know. That means that new moms won't smile at new moms (I tried and moms looked at me like I wanted to steal their babies) and people don't say hi in the street. They might in little towns and villages but not in big cities. To be fair, I guess people don't greet each other in NYC either!
Another big difference is fashion. I knew I couldn't walk outside with tennis shoes so I brought one nice pair of shoes but they gave me blisters so I had to reverse back to my tennis shoes. I pretty much looked like I came from TrailerTrash Land. Every woman, even moms of newborns, was dressed really well. Hello new moms, there's something called yoga pants and you have the right to wear them until your baby is old enough to go to coll..., ok fine, to walk. In all seriousness, I bought a few clothes there but really wanted a lot more. I like how French women dress. Very classy and elegant, yet simple.
One other thing that French people have "over" Americans is their lifestyle. They enjoy taking their time. What is really annoying when you wait in line becomes actually nice when you have dinner or a drink in a cafe. French people love their vacation and generous leave -real maternity leave (doubled when you have twins, I have just learnt!). French people appreciate good food, good movies, good music, and good conversations. They're pretty hedonist in general.
As much as I felt disconnected, I would go back and live there in a heart beat. Well, not right now because of family and job issues (finding a job in France is way tougher than in the US, even in this economy), but maybe one day. I want to be able to walk to a bakery in the morning, to meet friends and see a good French movie, to watch good TV programs that don't require cable, to eat healthy food that doesn't cost that much to buy. Right now I feel very American. I like living here. I need to be ok with this -because until this trip I considered myself VERY French. Not so anymore. I guess I belong to both cultures now and just need to embrace this chance to know and love two countries for what they are.
For instance before this trip I never found French people rude. This time, however, I got a sense of French flair right as I got off the plane in Paris. Air France doesn't let you get back the stroller you gate checked at the gate. You get it back at baggage claim. So I had Leo in the Ergo, a backpack, my carry on (with wheels, thank goodness), and his car seat + base. I seriously looked like a donkey. Do you think anyone would have asked to help? Nope. On the way back on the contrary 2 or 3 people asked whether they could help me. Right there is a big difference between our two cultures.
Then I went grocery shopping. The cashier was so slow and so rude. I couldn't believe it! And of course I knew it wouldn't be worth it to complain because that would go on deaf ears (I know, I was a cashier in this very supermarket). In another store, the 2 cashiers were talking together and very audibly sighed when they had to care for my purchases. Seriously? Tourists in France deal mainly with customer service representatives (and people in line who cut in front of you) -and I think that's why they think French are so rude. Because they are! However, French men are gentlemen who will open and hold doors for women. They don't even think twice about it. That's quite nice.
French people also don't like people too much. They love friends and family but they won't go out of their way for people they don't know. That means that new moms won't smile at new moms (I tried and moms looked at me like I wanted to steal their babies) and people don't say hi in the street. They might in little towns and villages but not in big cities. To be fair, I guess people don't greet each other in NYC either!
Another big difference is fashion. I knew I couldn't walk outside with tennis shoes so I brought one nice pair of shoes but they gave me blisters so I had to reverse back to my tennis shoes. I pretty much looked like I came from TrailerTrash Land. Every woman, even moms of newborns, was dressed really well. Hello new moms, there's something called yoga pants and you have the right to wear them until your baby is old enough to go to coll..., ok fine, to walk. In all seriousness, I bought a few clothes there but really wanted a lot more. I like how French women dress. Very classy and elegant, yet simple.
One other thing that French people have "over" Americans is their lifestyle. They enjoy taking their time. What is really annoying when you wait in line becomes actually nice when you have dinner or a drink in a cafe. French people love their vacation and generous leave -real maternity leave (doubled when you have twins, I have just learnt!). French people appreciate good food, good movies, good music, and good conversations. They're pretty hedonist in general.
As much as I felt disconnected, I would go back and live there in a heart beat. Well, not right now because of family and job issues (finding a job in France is way tougher than in the US, even in this economy), but maybe one day. I want to be able to walk to a bakery in the morning, to meet friends and see a good French movie, to watch good TV programs that don't require cable, to eat healthy food that doesn't cost that much to buy. Right now I feel very American. I like living here. I need to be ok with this -because until this trip I considered myself VERY French. Not so anymore. I guess I belong to both cultures now and just need to embrace this chance to know and love two countries for what they are.
7 Months
Leo turned 7 months old last week. He is a very happy and energetic little boy! Here are a few things about him this month:
- He talks quite a lot and sometimes hums to himself, in particular in the car and when he's falling asleep. He says "babababa," "bwabwabwa," and "mamamama" though he doesn't equate this sound with me.
- He now complains when he doesn't get what he wants or when he doesn't want to nap. He pretends he cries but doesn't have any tears!
- He laughs a lot -when he's tickled, when we pretend-scare him, when we run to him, when we make silly faces. And he gets hiccups every time he laughs, without fail.
- He's always in a good mood.
- When he doesn't want to drink his bottle, all I have to do is pretend I'm drinking it and he suddenly wants his milk back. Same thing when he wants my Iphone. If I pretend to be on the phone with a toy, he'll want that instead. Very useful!
- He is so full of energy. He never sits still anymore! He crawls, climbs, and walks when held. He bangs on everything. Even when I rock him to sleep he asks to be rocked even faster.
- He is no longer breastfed. He doesn't care much for solids yet unless it's read food (cut red pepper, bread, croissants!).
- He doesn't sleep through the night. He doesn't need a pacifier anymore but is used to eating and being rocked upright before bed. We'll wean from middle of the night feedings and sleep train once he's over jetlag.
- His hair is starting to curl in the back and above his ears. It's so cute!
- He has 2 bottom teeth. It's really cute to see them when he smiles.
- He loves people! On the plane he relished all the attention he could get (above all the attention from old women who didn't understand I was trying to rock my baby. TO SLEEP). He stares at people until they smile at him and then he smiles back. He also still raises his eyebrows a la Joey in Friends ("Howya doin'?"). It's pretty funny when he does that to women in the elevator or at the store.
- The main thing lately is that he is trying to explore everything and wanting to be independent. However, he wants me to be close by. He explores around me. He clims over me to see what's behind me. He crawls somewhere and then comes back to me and wants to be held. I know it's normal and it's really interesting to see it happen right there in front of our eyes. I don't know how I feel about his becoming more independent but I love that he needs me to be his own little person.
- I love him so much. I love him more and more every day. He's so, so, so awesome. I sing to him at night to his mobile music and tell him how much I love him. Usually it goes like this "I love you more than life, I love you more than Twix (replaced by food, books, baths, wine). That's how much I love you baby!" ;)
That's it. Leo in a nutshell at this point in time. And I tried to take his 7-month pictures. Um, FAIL! But those pics really show how energetic and fun he is.
- He talks quite a lot and sometimes hums to himself, in particular in the car and when he's falling asleep. He says "babababa," "bwabwabwa," and "mamamama" though he doesn't equate this sound with me.
- He now complains when he doesn't get what he wants or when he doesn't want to nap. He pretends he cries but doesn't have any tears!
- He laughs a lot -when he's tickled, when we pretend-scare him, when we run to him, when we make silly faces. And he gets hiccups every time he laughs, without fail.
- He's always in a good mood.
- When he doesn't want to drink his bottle, all I have to do is pretend I'm drinking it and he suddenly wants his milk back. Same thing when he wants my Iphone. If I pretend to be on the phone with a toy, he'll want that instead. Very useful!
- He is so full of energy. He never sits still anymore! He crawls, climbs, and walks when held. He bangs on everything. Even when I rock him to sleep he asks to be rocked even faster.
- He is no longer breastfed. He doesn't care much for solids yet unless it's read food (cut red pepper, bread, croissants!).
- He doesn't sleep through the night. He doesn't need a pacifier anymore but is used to eating and being rocked upright before bed. We'll wean from middle of the night feedings and sleep train once he's over jetlag.
- His hair is starting to curl in the back and above his ears. It's so cute!
- He has 2 bottom teeth. It's really cute to see them when he smiles.
- He loves people! On the plane he relished all the attention he could get (above all the attention from old women who didn't understand I was trying to rock my baby. TO SLEEP). He stares at people until they smile at him and then he smiles back. He also still raises his eyebrows a la Joey in Friends ("Howya doin'?"). It's pretty funny when he does that to women in the elevator or at the store.
- The main thing lately is that he is trying to explore everything and wanting to be independent. However, he wants me to be close by. He explores around me. He clims over me to see what's behind me. He crawls somewhere and then comes back to me and wants to be held. I know it's normal and it's really interesting to see it happen right there in front of our eyes. I don't know how I feel about his becoming more independent but I love that he needs me to be his own little person.
- I love him so much. I love him more and more every day. He's so, so, so awesome. I sing to him at night to his mobile music and tell him how much I love him. Usually it goes like this "I love you more than life, I love you more than Twix (replaced by food, books, baths, wine). That's how much I love you baby!" ;)
That's it. Leo in a nutshell at this point in time. And I tried to take his 7-month pictures. Um, FAIL! But those pics really show how energetic and fun he is.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Soon
I need to post about Léo's 7-month update and our trip to France. I have a lot to write and the thoughts are chaotic in my brain. It's hard to make these thoughts clear and write them down. Also I don't have much time to write right now. Expect 2 blog posts soon. Ish.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Bittersweet
This week marks the end of breastfeeding and pumping for Léo and me. He stopped nursing during the day a couple of months ago and I almost exclusively pumped for a while. My milk production was already low by that point and the pumping-only made it worse. I pumped about 10 ounces a day, which means Léo had formula for the majority of his meals. He still nursed at night but even then I had to nurse him AND feed him formula because nursing alone was not enough to settle him. With the trip to France approaching, I thought it might be a good time to stop all together -I don't want to bring a pump there, though I am considering buying a hand pump, which right there tells you how ambivalent I am about this whole 100% formula thing. To be clear, I don't mind giving him 100% formula, but I feel weird knowing I *could* give him breastmilk. It feels like the milk I am producing is going to waste -all 2 ounces of it! So... I am not going to have one last nursing session because that would just make me cry (heck, I'm crying writing this post!). I might just pump less and less and let my body understand I don't need it to produce milk anymore. I am glad to be done with breastfeeding / pumping, so I don't know why I get all emotional thinking about quitting. Maybe it would have been different had Léo continued to nurse during the day but right now pumping 3/4 times to get 10 ounces seems like a waste of time and energy since he's doing really well with formula and solids.
Anyway, it's the end of an era in Léo's life -already! Now we move on to baby food and croissants. C'est la vie!
Anyway, it's the end of an era in Léo's life -already! Now we move on to baby food and croissants. C'est la vie!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Baptism
On October 30, 2011 at 11 am Léo was baptized in the catholic faith at St Therese Parish. It was a beautiful celebration -though to be honest I was so focused on what to do and not messing up anything that I didn't fully enjoy or remember it!
I really love baptisms at my church! The music is lively, the priest smiles at those children like you wouldn't believe, and the congregation really gets into applauding each new little member of the community.
Joe always told me that if we had a baby he wanted him/her baptized in the Catholic church -because he was baptized Catholic. That was obviously fine with me. Having this celebration in this particular church also means a lot since I LOVE my church. It's diverse, the priest is from Kenya, it's focused on social justice, and the music is terrific. I want Léo to grow up surrounded by people who care about him, who live the Gospel and care for others, and who are not afraid to open their arms to "the other" -another color, another sexual orientation, another income bracket, etc. I know baptizing children can be controversial. I didn't do it so that he's not a heathen anymore but for the wish to welcome him into a community of faith.
I am so grateful for the Godparents he has. Joe's best friend, Bryan, nominated himself as Godfather even before Léo was born! Joe and he have a beautiful friendship that has lasted since high school. Léo is lucky to have 2 awesome Godmothers who are great friends of mine -and colleagues, which means I get to hang out with them all the time!-, Lisa and Jen. Those two are godly, caring, funny, and will be great examples for Léo. All 3 of them will help raise Léo in the Catholic faith while being more than open to the idea that he might question everything -even his faith (the one he doesn't yet have!).
Léo was very calm throughout the mass and baptism, even when he got dunked 3 times in the pool -aka the hot tub! Actually we fed him after he got dunked and he fell asleep. Good news: our night time routine of bath-feed-sleep works! He must have thought "bath, check; food, check; time to sleep now!"
I am thankful for this celebration, for God's love, for his grace, and for my boy's precious life.
Before the dunk.
After the dunks. I love his naked body!!
Introduction to the community.
Tired after mass.
Parents and godparents. And teething baby!
I really love baptisms at my church! The music is lively, the priest smiles at those children like you wouldn't believe, and the congregation really gets into applauding each new little member of the community.
Joe always told me that if we had a baby he wanted him/her baptized in the Catholic church -because he was baptized Catholic. That was obviously fine with me. Having this celebration in this particular church also means a lot since I LOVE my church. It's diverse, the priest is from Kenya, it's focused on social justice, and the music is terrific. I want Léo to grow up surrounded by people who care about him, who live the Gospel and care for others, and who are not afraid to open their arms to "the other" -another color, another sexual orientation, another income bracket, etc. I know baptizing children can be controversial. I didn't do it so that he's not a heathen anymore but for the wish to welcome him into a community of faith.
I am so grateful for the Godparents he has. Joe's best friend, Bryan, nominated himself as Godfather even before Léo was born! Joe and he have a beautiful friendship that has lasted since high school. Léo is lucky to have 2 awesome Godmothers who are great friends of mine -and colleagues, which means I get to hang out with them all the time!-, Lisa and Jen. Those two are godly, caring, funny, and will be great examples for Léo. All 3 of them will help raise Léo in the Catholic faith while being more than open to the idea that he might question everything -even his faith (the one he doesn't yet have!).
Léo was very calm throughout the mass and baptism, even when he got dunked 3 times in the pool -aka the hot tub! Actually we fed him after he got dunked and he fell asleep. Good news: our night time routine of bath-feed-sleep works! He must have thought "bath, check; food, check; time to sleep now!"
I am thankful for this celebration, for God's love, for his grace, and for my boy's precious life.
Before the dunk.
After the dunks. I love his naked body!!
Introduction to the community.
Tired after mass.
Parents and godparents. And teething baby!
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