Ah, The Irony

Léo keeps on sleeping well in his bedroom during the day. He wakes up a bit startled because he is not used to being swaddled but after 2 minutes he's back to smiling tons. I cannot get enough of his smiles.

Right now he's sleeping in his bedroom. But it's 10pm and... I am not sure I'm ready to let him sleep there all night long! I already miss my boy's presence next to my bed. I wonder whether I'm going to bring him with me when he wakes up for his late evening feeding or if I'll have the strength to let him sleep in his bedroom.

Attachment parenting... I thought that was about babies' needs. Turns out I need my own sleep / independence training!

Miracle!!!

This morning a post-partum doula came over to help me put Léo in his bedroom for naps and to talk about his sleep schedule. (If you need a post-partum doula and live where I do, let me know. Marianne is awesome!). I am still unclear about what schedule he should have (I'll touch on that in just a bit) but from the first try he slept in his swing, swaddled, in his bedroom, and didn't even cry. He slept for 90 minutes straight. Steuh-raight, people! That was amazing. He even took a bottle when he woke up -which he refused to do lately- because she showed me the right way to do it. She only stayed two hours and said the transition from the co-sleeper to his room should be easy because he's pretty mellow. That was great. I put him in the swing alone for nap #2 and he cried just a bit before settling in -he woke up because the dogs barked, but he was on his way to another good nap. This new habit will allow me to relax my arms, make breakfast, take a shower, and know that Léo is sleeping well.

Now we still have to tackle his night time schedule (he woke up every 2 hours last night and I am exhausted). I am SO relieved this transition to his bedroom was easy for him -and for me! It's only day 1 and maybe tomorrow he'll resist the idea all together, but today was good, and as my great friend Jen says, it's one day at a time.

Moms, I have a question for you. At about 3 months old, were your babies already napping only 3 times per day? Léo can't seem to stay awake for more than an hour at a time, so he takes 4/5 naps a day. My OB said he should transition to 3 naps but the doula said that 4 or 5 was perfectly fine. Do you remember what your babies used to do?

Oh, she also said that his eyes might remain blue. Oh, the dream!!

Breaking The Habit

In which I ramble quite a bit...

Last week was rough for me! It started with the pediatrician's appointment during which I felt that Léo -and as a result, me- had failed at proper development. I felt like I didn't do enough for Léo -not enough tummy time, not enough playing with toys, etc. I also felt that I was creating bad habits with him, and I knew they would be hard to break. The end of the week was better as Léo started to smile and consequently follow us and toys with his gaze. We even did some tummy time (I put him on my shins and we play Superman. Well, I play Superman. He just tags along!). I still felt pretty crappy so I called my OB to ask for support. Don't get me wrong. I am not depressed -there wouldn't be anything wrong with being depressed, I am just saying this is not the case here. I just felt so overwhelmed with all the changes I thought I needed to make. Then I called a post-partum doula, who told me to swaddle Léo so that he could sleep better during the day.

I have been feeling better this week because Léo keeps on smiling (oh, that smile!) but also because I have discovered cheap support groups in the city: Joe and I now belong to a PEPS group where babies range from 7-13 weeks and I go to a weekly session where moms can ask questions about their babies' development. It's nice to know that I am not alone and that other moms struggle with the same issues I have. That is building my self esteem as a mom. I do think I am a good mom: Léo is happy and he's growing well -many people comment that he's a fat baby. Um, he's BIG, not fat! I just wonder whether I am doing things right -or rather wrong.

Case in point: yesterday Joe tried to give him a bottle (fail) and then to soothe him (fail). I had to rock him until he calmed down. I realized that I must hold Léo about 20 hours a day. I am not joking. I hold him all the time, rock him to sleep, hold him while he naps during the day, and cuddle with him in the bed at night. Usually during the day I rock him and bounce him while he sucks on a pacifier. Triple threat!! The kid doesn't have any opportunity to be on his own, he doesn't sleep in his co-sleeper, he loves the pacifier beyond reason, and he's now used to being held yours truly's arms all the time. Meanwhile, I feel I'm a slave to this little baby and I have come to resent that a lot. As in A. LOT. One morning I told Joe he had to care for Léo because I was about to snap and cry -and cuss the baby, who frankly didn't do anything wrong.

So I am trying to change things. Tonight I put him in his co-sleeper at 10pm once he was asleep and swaddled. I put some white noise on. He's still there 35 minutes later! The weird thing is... I feel so guilty about not holding him! I am really trying to figure out how to let him be independent (you know, in accordance to his age) while showing him all the love I can. The nurse who led a class today said "do not spoil your maternity leave with these issues." I will keep that in mind: I'll try to set good habits but I don't make myself sad or stressed about too many issues. I have 6 more weeks of maternity leave -including 3 with my brother, dad, and dad's girlfriend, who arrive tomorrow- and I intend to enjoy it to the max.

I spoke too soon! He just woke up. Still, he spent 35 minutes in his co-sleeper as opposed to 5-10 minutes, so that's good! I'm going to go and... rock him back to sleep :)

Isn't it amazing how motherhood is such an amazing thing (I cannot love this baby more and nothing makes me happier than seeing him smile) yet at times such a complicated matter?

It Happened!

Our boy smiled!

Happy Father's Day to Joe, the best dad Léo could have wished for (and the recipient of most of Léo's grins), and to all the other wonderful dads out there!

2 month check up

Yesterday Léo had his 2 month check up -which means he got shots and was not happy about it. He measures 24 inches and weighs 12 pounds 9 ounces. He is growing well!

The doctor asked a bunch of questions to establish whether he has met his developmental milestones:

Does he smile? Kind of, as of last week.

Does he coo? Nope.

Does he follow you with his eyes? Nope. The doctor then said "well usually they like to look at faces" and put his face right in front of Léo, who just stared at the ceiling (he did the exact same thing at his one month check up!).

Can he hold his head straight while someone holds him from laying on his back to sitting up position? Nope.

Does he always look in the left direction? Um, yes. We're going to have to work on forcing him to look in the right direction so that his neck doesn't become stiff.

Has he found his hands? YES (Pffff, finally!)

The doctor didn't ask, but he also likes to dance! I put some music on and I bounce him in my arms. If I stop, he bounces by himself. This is my favorite routine of the morning.

The doctor said he's on track. Huh?!? Oookay, I guess he's just waiting for his 4-month check up to see whether Léo has caught up then.

This week I'm going to have him nap in his co-sleeper in the living room during the day. He usually sleeps in my arms. Also I'm going to try to establish a feeding/nap routine. I just need a routine right now. At the same time, my dad and brother are arriving next week (already!) and will stay 3 weeks, so a routine might be hard to keep up. But when they leave I only have 3 weeks before I go back to work (uuuuuuuuugh) so I might as well establish something now. Right now he's sleeping in his co-sleeper. He's been there for all of 15 minutes and is still sleeping. Small victory!

Speaking of work... I really don't want to go back. I need to speak to my boss about this. I'll write more on this topic some other time.

2 Months Old!

Léo is turning 2 months old today!

A few things about his development:

- His eyes are still blue. We know this will change soon but we're enjoying this beautiful color for now. Blue is actually my favorite color (which explains why more than 3/4 of Léo's clothes are blue!). And yellow. But yellow eyes would look weird.

- He sleeps for about 3-4 hours during the first stretch of the night, from about 11-3 (but then he makes up for it by waking up every 2 hours). Last night he slept from 12 to 2:30 only but he's usually fine sleeping longer hours.

- He is juuust starting to smile. I'm not sure it's a full on smile yet, but I think he's starting to respond to our big smiles with a little one on his own (not followed by a fart of spit up, which his smiles usually announce).

- He's holding his head pretty straight even though we never do formal tummy time. He's a strong little guy.

- His cries are definitely different depending on what he needs. He sounds like a newborn when he's hungry for instance. We can tell pain from frustration and fatigue. It's helpful to read his cues.

- He doesn't like his bouncer anymore. He hates his car seat (which means I dread going anywhere and stay home most of the time). He doesn't like sleeping in his co-sleeper (but sleeps like a champ in my arms or in the Baby Bjorn if we take walks outside).

- He always looks at his left side. And then stares and stares. He doesn't care much for faces. He's still in his own little world most of the time. Of course this worries me a lot but he's just starting to finally look at us at times and maybe smile, so I am trying not to be impatient.

As for me... I feel better than I did when he was about 2 weeks old -thank God! But I am still sleep deprived. I mainly feel guilty because I don't do much during the day (I kind of feel like a lazy bum to be honest) and I feel lost trying to put Léo on a routine (right now there is no routine that I can see though I track meals and naps on a little booklet). My brain feels like it's been bulldozed. I don't have enough focus to read -not even magazines- so I watch TV all day (I recommend "Army Wives" for empty entertainment). I don't want to go back to work but maybe going to work would give a sense to my day. Right now I feel... I don't know. Not depressed at all. More directionless. I can't plan anything because Léo doesn't have a routine. I can't plan anything during his naps because I don't know how long he will sleep -and usually by the time he falls asleep in my arms and gets to his co-sleeper I only have one hour of "freedom" during which I'd rather snack than be active. Maybe it's a poor excuse -I should go out now that he's so young and undemanding. I am not a very spontaneous person to begin with, so maybe I should create a routine on my own (Monday Target, Tuesday Barnes. Yes, that's my kind of fun). I need to organize my brain so that I don't feel so jello all the time. That's my next task then: organize a routine and feel a bit more productive.

Here is a comparison between May 9th and June 9th. June 9th already ... Time is really flying by! My brother and dad will be here on the 22nd and that day Joe starts school again (one class only to get back into the rhythm of studying). I don't go back to work until August 1st, so I still have time before I can officially freak out about leaving Léo to a daycare (which reminds me, I need to find a daycare. Crap!). Ok, picture time!!

One month old.

Two months old.

4 Generations

My mom and grandma left yesterday. It was great having them here with us. We shared stories and I listened to their wealth of experience and wisdom. It's amazing how much grandmas know. I'm always on the internet trying to figure things out and my grandma gives me the exact same advise I find online -only better, because she's my grandma! My mom helped a lot with telling me how she did with me and my brother and also with chores (like holding Léo's pacifier in his mouth, vacuuming, and washing/folding clothes), which was such a relief. I was able to take showers and make teas, take time to eat breakfast, and above all, we went out and they helped with Léo -who, we've come to realize, hates his car seat and wails until we hold him in our arms.

My mom really loves Léo. She got her groove back pretty easily with him and loved washing him when he was in his bath, giving him bottles, and rocking him to sleep. It's hard to live far from her because we have quite a fusional relationship (some might call it co-dependency) though it is tainted at times by addiction and the effects that has on family life. It's a kind of Jekyll and Hyde situation in my mind, where I see my mom as two different persons depending on her state of mind. That's why I can't resent sober-mom for whatever the other mom did or said. Anyway, she was awesome when she was here -the mom and grandma I want in my and Léo's life. It was so hard to say goodbye.

My grandma made me cry countless times when I heard her sing or tell Léo "I've been waiting for you for so long. I can leave in peace now." She wasn't the best mom to my mom and her siblings, but she's been the best grandma to me. I spent so much time with her growing up and I have fond memories of our time together. I simply adore her! She's tiny and cute and no-nonsense and fun in a very un-intentional way. I love her so and miss her so much.

Living far from family is not a good situation. I really do not like it. I want Léo to bond with his family and to celebrate year-round events with them. We fortunately have Skype, but it's not the same. I wish my mom (and grandma!) could come for months at a time. Maybe she can do that soon. In the meantime, I am going back to work early so that I have vacation time left and I'll try to go to France this fall. Léo needs to know his French family, too.

So now it's Léo and me. Yesterday he slept pretty much all day. Today he's been sleeping again. So far so good. He's not smiling yet and doesn't look at my face ever. Actually he never looks at what I show him. He just stares at the book on the book shelves or at the blinds and the trees (like in the pic below). He's a sweet and fun little guy.