Last week was rough for me! It started with the pediatrician's appointment during which I felt that Léo -and as a result, me- had failed at proper development. I felt like I didn't do enough for Léo -not enough tummy time, not enough playing with toys, etc. I also felt that I was creating bad habits with him, and I knew they would be hard to break. The end of the week was better as Léo started to smile and consequently follow us and toys with his gaze. We even did some tummy time (I put him on my shins and we play Superman. Well, I play Superman. He just tags along!). I still felt pretty crappy so I called my OB to ask for support. Don't get me wrong. I am not depressed -there wouldn't be anything wrong with being depressed, I am just saying this is not the case here. I just felt so overwhelmed with all the changes I thought I needed to make. Then I called a post-partum doula, who told me to swaddle Léo so that he could sleep better during the day.
I have been feeling better this week because Léo keeps on smiling (oh, that smile!) but also because I have discovered cheap support groups in the city: Joe and I now belong to a PEPS group where babies range from 7-13 weeks and I go to a weekly session where moms can ask questions about their babies' development. It's nice to know that I am not alone and that other moms struggle with the same issues I have. That is building my self esteem as a mom. I do think I am a good mom: Léo is happy and he's growing well -many people comment that he's a fat baby. Um, he's BIG, not fat! I just wonder whether I am doing things right -or rather wrong.
Case in point: yesterday Joe tried to give him a bottle (fail) and then to soothe him (fail). I had to rock him until he calmed down. I realized that I must hold Léo about 20 hours a day. I am not joking. I hold him all the time, rock him to sleep, hold him while he naps during the day, and cuddle with him in the bed at night. Usually during the day I rock him and bounce him while he sucks on a pacifier. Triple threat!! The kid doesn't have any opportunity to be on his own, he doesn't sleep in his co-sleeper, he loves the pacifier beyond reason, and he's now used to being held yours truly's arms all the time. Meanwhile, I feel I'm a slave to this little baby and I have come to resent that a lot. As in A. LOT. One morning I told Joe he had to care for Léo because I was about to snap and cry -and cuss the baby, who frankly didn't do anything wrong.
So I am trying to change things. Tonight I put him in his co-sleeper at 10pm once he was asleep and swaddled. I put some white noise on. He's still there 35 minutes later! The weird thing is... I feel so guilty about not holding him! I am really trying to figure out how to let him be independent (you know, in accordance to his age) while showing him all the love I can. The nurse who led a class today said "do not spoil your maternity leave with these issues." I will keep that in mind: I'll try to set good habits but I don't make myself sad or stressed about too many issues. I have 6 more weeks of maternity leave -including 3 with my brother, dad, and dad's girlfriend, who arrive tomorrow- and I intend to enjoy it to the max.
I spoke too soon! He just woke up. Still, he spent 35 minutes in his co-sleeper as opposed to 5-10 minutes, so that's good! I'm going to go and... rock him back to sleep :)
Isn't it amazing how motherhood is such an amazing thing (I cannot love this baby more and nothing makes me happier than seeing him smile) yet at times such a complicated matter?
1 comment:
I probably hold Sam 'too much' too, if you count all the time he spends in the bjorn and naps in there. I'm trying to be more intentional about laying him down for naps this week. Some days he takes really good naps and others he doesn't. Just keep trying! 35 minutes is great for just beginning to nap laying down.
I'm looking forward to going to this info session with you on Tues. I feel like I constantly question everything I do. And that's a good point - I don't want to spend my entire maternity leave stressed out b/c of that.
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