Friday, April 29, 2011

Reading His Cues

Two days ago was probably the lowest day since Léo's birth. I felt crappy all day, and when Léo started crying during the evening for no apparent reason, I just lost it. I put him in his bouncer and turned around -and while doing that I yelled at the dogs and at Joe. Mind you, Léo almost never cries. I am SO thankful God gave me a sweet baby. I couldn't have dealt with colic or that purple crying that lasts for months. Sometimes though he cries and cries and nothing can soothe him. It happens mostly during the night: he gets frustrated because he can't latch (think bobble head with an arching back) and cries so much he can't calm down, so he can latch even less, and that feeding session becomes quite a pain in the but for both of us.

I realize that I feel so powerless and frustrated when he cries. I really do try to meet his demands before he gets to that point to keep him (and myself) happy. So when he couldn't stop crying 2 days ago I got really sad and mad. Joe got annoyed at me for being so frustrated and depressed all the time, and he said "that's it. Take the dogs on a walk. I'll take care of him." Just then I took Léo in my arms and miracle: he stopped crying and fell asleep. VICTORY! No, seriously: we got it! That particular crying just means "I'm tired." What a relief! Yesterday evening and last night he cried that way again but instead of getting frustrated I just took him in my arms (Joe did that last night to let me sleep a bit), walked with him and voila: the boy fell asleep.

My mood has been way better since. Yesterday while Joe got some shots at the U, I walked in the U Village with Léo in the Ergo. It felt empowering to be able to do that alone. At night it also felt pretty empowering to know what to do to calm him down. We can do this parenthood thing. We need patience and we need to find out what the little one is telling us through his cries. I'm not saying everything is going to be smooth sailing from there, but it helps to get to know him more and know what he needs when he needs it. Sweet boy of mine!

Monday, April 25, 2011

Doctor's Appointment and Some Changes

Today was Léo's 2-week check up at the pediatrician. He's now 21 1/4 inches and weighs 8 Lbs 9 oz. The doctor said that it was about 30% more than what he expected. I'm not worried as I have only been breastfeeding him and he's usually eating every 2.5-3 hours. He's not a big baby per se -but he does have quite the double chin!

We also asked the doctor about adding formula to his diet. I know, I know, breast is best... except it makes me miserable. I resent when he wants to eat sometimes because I'm in the middle of breakfast or a shower and need to rush back to feed him. I have started pumping but only have 2 bags of milk. So I have decided to do the right thing for me -and ultimately for my relationship with my son- and add formula to his diet (for now one meal in the middle of the night) if my pumped milk runs out. I feel extremely guilty about adding formula because I know all the benefits of breast feeding and I feel I am taking the easy way out, but I am also telling myself that I will actually still breastfeed for most meals and that I am not perfect. And Léo will be just fine.

I cannot stress again how great it has been to rely on friends' experiences with their babies. It's good to hear what worked and how they got through the first 8-12 weeks. 8-12 weeks is really short in the span of a lifetime, but right now it seems like forever away. I am really trying to enjoy every day with him because I know those are in a way the easiest -he's not that demanding yet- but the lack of sleep is driving me a bit insane. Joe has been stellar, changing or rocking the baby at night. Now he'll be able to feed him, too -whether pumped milk or formula.

Joe's family is coming to visit at the end of the week. I am looking forward to spending some time with them.

Here is my little cutie in his Easter outfit (thanks Grandma Jodie!). He's so freaking handsome. I must kiss him about 1,001 times a day since he can't yet say "mooooooooom, stop it!"


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Morning Routine

This is what Joe, Léo, my triple chin, and I do every morning, usually after the 6am-ish feeding. This is the only time I sleep 2-3 hours straight during the night. Last night for instance I didn't sleep at all until 7 because Léo refused to sleep in his crib -I think it was too cold in the room... or he's already spoiled!

I like this nap time. Bliss.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

First Ten Days in Pictures

Third and last post of the day. A few pictures of Léo. I LOVE that boy!!

Day 1 -hour 1!

Day 2

Day 3

So our sweet boy barfed twice after this picture was taken. Yeah. And he pooped on me about an hour after. And he keeps on peeing on us. Little sucker.

Pouting. He does that quite a lot!

Nap on the couch.

The First Ten Days

Love, fear, and guilt. This is how I would describe the 10 days since Léo's birth.

Obviously love because we love him so much. I can't stop looking at him and am in awe that he's our son and that he's so perfect. In the womb he was super gentle and still is now. He sleeps a lot, doesn't cry that much, and makes the cutest little sounds -especially when he's frustrated. Seriously, Léo is awesome. I don't have words to describe my feelings for him. I am almost expecting something bad to happen because the whole pregnancy, delivery, and now life with him have been so easy. I know, way to be positive, huh?

That bring us to fear. I fear that something bad is going to happen. I worry about everything, from the way he breathes to the number of hours he sleeps to whether he pees/poops enough and the way his belly button heals (it fell on Sunday and has been bleeding a bit today). I suddenly wake up and check on him many times an hour during the night to make sure he's still alive (damn SIDS). It almost feels like there's 100 pounds of fear on my shoulders all the time. I think that's why I dread nights so much because -apart from the fact he stays awake from 12-3am- I fear something is going to happen to him while I sleep. So my already little sleep is disturbed by frequent check ups on my boy.

Finally, guilt... Aaah, all moms have experienced this, I am sure. I feel guilty when he wakes up and all I can think of is "great. Now what am I going to do with him / tell him?" I feel guilty that I want to stop breast feeding after only 10 days -because it hurts and because Léo sometimes doesn't latch on properly so he eats every 2 hours. I feel guilty when he cries and I don't know what to do to soothe him. I feel bad that I am not putting him on a schedule yet, that he sleeps on my chest or in bed with us in the middle of the night, and that I put him to sleep on his side because he hates being on his back (and he doesn't like being swaddled either). Fortunately, when I ask my friends who have kids -well, most of you who read the blog actually :) - what they did in the first few weeks of their babies' lives, they tell me they did the same I am doing now, which lessens the guilt immensely. We all try to follow the "rules" but we break them depending on our babies' temperaments and needs.

Those 10 days have been a bit draining and totally worth it. I am careful to be positive and not be depressed. I know my mood drops every night by 8:30 but that I will be better by 6 am. I am both happy and really grateful yet life has been, well, a little hard. Having Léo in our lives is such a blessing. I love him more than I thought possible and I know these feelings of guilt and fear are the manifestation of my love for him and the fact that I have no control over his schedule, his body, his problems. I just have to get used to not being able to protect him as much as I could when he was in my belly -and I know that these feelings will last a lifetime. Right now everything seems out of the ordinary, raw, and emotional (hormones!).

The best part of these first days is that I have time to stare at my baby all day long if I want to and thank God for the beautiful gift he has given us. Happiness is as simple as that!

Monday, April 18, 2011

Léo's arrival

Pictures coming soon. I have trouble loading them on this blog from the mac...

Léo's original due date is today! He is 9 days old today and so much has happened since April 9th. Where to start? Well, I guess with that week.

As you know, Joe and I felt that Léo would arrive a tad early. My mom had given birth 9 and 7 days early -for my and my brother's births- and had relatively quick labors, so I figured I might follow in her footsteps. This whole week of April 4th, I cleaned up my desk at work (kinda) and tried to finish up hand over notes in case I wouldn't come back for a few months. Let me just tell you: that felt great!! I relished every minute I spent on those tasks knowing I wouldn't have to read reports this time around.

On Thursday, I started to have mild cramps, but nothing out of the ordinary. Then I woke up on Saturday morning early to call my mom and I felt that the cramps were becoming stronger. I texted my dear friend Jen, who had given birth 2 weeks prior, to ask about her cramps (and I have kept on relying on her for question after question since. Thanks Jen!). I thought those might be real contractions indeed. Joe and I drove to Bakery Nouveau and the contractions were a bit stronger -so much so that I had to stop talking or walking when they hit. We got home at about 10 or 11 and the contractions got stronger, stronger, STRONGER. I cussed a bit, but mainly I said over and over "make it stop; I don't know what to do; and get out of here already... not you baby, I'm talking to the contractions." I think I even cussed Eve a bit for eating the freaking apple and causing us women that kind of pain. At 12:30-1, the contractions were super strong, lasting 60-90 seconds and coming every 2-2.5 minutes. I know I should have called the doctor at that point but... I was waiting for the clothes I wanted to take to the hospital to dry. Yeah, not my brightest idea! At 1:30p my water broke. HOLY CRAP the contractions that came after that were really painful and the urge to push was scary. Joe took the clothes out of the drier, called the hospital, and made me get into the car. I don't remember much at this point but Joe said it took me forever to get in the car because the contractions hurt really bad. So we got in the car and got to the hospital in about 5 minutes -thank God the hospital is so close! We parked in front of the hospital -illegally- (I screamed at that point because the contractions hurt so bad. As in screamed at the top of my lungs. I give props to Joe for not laughing at me!) and went straight up to the labor area. I tried to hold it together because there were people waiting in the lobby but as soon as I turned the corner I was on all four, in pain. The nurses rushed us to a room. Again, I don't remember much. I know the doctor came, measured me, and said I was good to go. I know I asked for an epidural and the doctor said "nope, you're ready to push NOW." Um, what? No epidural? Oh sh*t. I also remember the nurse showing me how to put the gown on but I must not have listened because I ended up pushing butt naked with only a t-shirt on. Yup... all thoughts of grace and modesty left my brain! So now we're at about 1:50pm and I start pushing. I pushed just a bit because I was afraid of the pain. I think the doctor got a bit frustrated with me and tried to find ways to make me push harder. WOMAN, I'm pushing a 7-pounder out of my body and I know it's going to hurt. Patience! At one point I felt the famous "ring of fire" and knew the baby's head was getting out so I gave a real push...

Baby Léo was born at 2:24 PM on April 9th, 2011. He has been really gentle and sweet and cuddly and perfect. We love him SO much. Seriously guys... I knew I'd love him, but it still has taken me by surprise how much love I have had for him since day 1 (okay, maybe day 2, but you know what I mean).

The nurses freaked us out a bit because I bled a lot after delivery, but they gave me meds through an IV (I thought I would avoid the IV all together but no such luck) and it was better. I also had fever, but it passed after a few hours.

The stay at the hospital was rather reassuring because I could ask a lot of questions to the nurses. I even thought about staying one more night because the thought of going home scared me so much. We went home the day after his birth, on Sunday. Friends have shown us since an amazing amount of support by bringing food over and more importantly, by always checking on us by text, Skype, or email to know how we're doing and handling things. Seriously it feels great to have such a great support group -mainly of moms who have answers to my 1,001 questions and have gone through what Joe and I are going through.

Oh, a word on Joe... He has been such a great father to Léo and a great husband to me. I don't think I've loved him more than I do now, seeing him interact with the baby and seeing how attentive he is to me. He's taking the pulse of my mood every day to make sure I am not depressed -or not beyond what is expected at this stage- and is helping in any way he can, waking up at night to ask if he can do anything to help, picking up Léo from his crib and bringing him back when I'm done nursing. We even change diapers together right now because I'm afraid the baby will kick his penis with his heels (he's healing from circumcision), so Joe holds him while I change him! I love this man so much! Léo couldn't have had a better dad than Joe. It's really great to see this side of him I didn't know and experience who he is as a father. I knew he had wanted a baby for a while but I didn't know what to expect. He has surpassed any expectations I could have. I am so, so lucky to be his wife.

Ah yes, I have become emotional! I am actually better now. The first week was quite a mess. I cried when I thought how much I loved the baby, when I thought about bad things that could happen to him, when I thought about circumcision, when I thought about... well, just about anything made me cry! It's getting better now, thank God.

Next post... First week at home with baby Léo.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Not so early after all!

Another appointment with my doctor today... Baby is exactly at the same station as last time. Nothing has changed. So now the doc says "he should come during week 39." That relieves Joe, who has so much to do before he goes on "vacation." That annoys me, because I am over work right now. I like my job, I love my colleagues but... I'm just over it! I want to be home, chill, shop, do nothing. Oh well.

So maybe next week. In the meantime, I'll work and enjoy evenings without a child! And I'll sleep.