Brrrrrr

We arrived in the village in which we're going to stay 9 days this morning. It's COLD. Not only is it cold outside, it's also cold inside because the guest house bedroom doesn't have a heater -and the doors and windows are not insulated. Right now I'm sandwiched between blankets and I have filled 4 little bottles of with hot water to keep me warm. I'm still freezing. I might wear 2 pairs of everything tomorrow. I'm not kidding. I'm that cold -and of course I don't have a coat. D'oh.
Ok, I checked the weather. It's about 55 outside during the day. Right now I'd say it's 40-45. It's not freezing. But I'm cold and I'm a wuss and a baby, so... wah-wah. I know, I know.

I am looking forward to meeting the communities though I know I won't understand what is going on. I hope the 8 more days we're here will go by fast. I'm anxious to see my baby boy and Joe.

Joe had to bring Leo to urgent care today because he kept on hitting his ear. Sure enough, he has a double ear infection. SERIOUSLY!!! Stomach flu, double pink eye and double ear infection, all in 3 weeks. I hate being away from him period, but even more when I know he's sick. I wish the evaluation didn't take so long. I am grateful for the opportunity to be here, but frankly I wish I were home with my baby.
8 more days...

In Vietnam!

I arrived in Hanoi a few hours ago. The city is quite nice. I was telling my colleagues that chaos, dust, and state of the buildings aside, the city reminded me of Paris. Well as it turns out we're in the French quarter! The weather is all right here but another colleague says she spent time in a village close to where we're going and it was cold. As in she had to sleep with a hat and gloves on because the guest house was not heated. I am NOT looking forward to that at all. I didn't bring any hat or gloves. Maybe I'll buy some today!

The flights were uneventful. I took some relaxing pills. But I was not that stressed to begin with so I slept 11 of the 13 hour-flight. And then slept some more on the way from Taipei to Hanoi. Not my smartest move, but whatever.

Leo has been sick. He might have pink eye again and he threw up last night. I feel so terrible for my poor baby -and his sleep-deprived daddy. Please pray that his health is restored soon. Joe will bring him to urgent care tomorrow. Uh. I hate being here knowing that my baby is sick -and knowing I won't have internet access for the next week.

Speaking of internet access... Facebook is blocked in Vietnam!!! I have withdrawals already.

I'll post pictures later. I'm going to take another 30' in the city right now!

Hair!

From this...

To this! it looks nothing like the model I showed the hair dresser but I like it anyway.

Little health issues and huge blessing

Léo has been a bit sick lately. Nothing big -a stomach flu and double pink eye on top of his usual cold. He's been in a good mood but he needs to be held all the time and is tired. I am leaving for Vietnam on Friday night and hope he will feel better by then. I hope he'll be okay while I'm there -I would hate not to be able to rock him and hug him is he's sick, though I know Joe will do a great job being there for him.

I feel quite guilty about leaving. Of course I feel bad for Léo but I know he has no concept of time, so he should be fine. I really feel bad for Joe because as much fun as Léo is, 12 days of solo parenting is stressful. I've done 4-5 days and it was tough. Well, I don't need to worry too much because Joe's mom is going to fly here this weekend to help Joe a bit. Then he has 4 days alone but the nanny will be there from 8-6. After that he'll be in Orange County for 5 days. And then I come back! I am so grateful that Joe's mom is willing to fly here to help. It is such a relief to know that Joe will have company! Joe's mom is a blessing. Joe will get help and company and Léo will spend time with his grandma. I can leave with a lighter heart!

This is Léo this weekend. Tired, pink-eyed, but happy!

Proverb 31

Something is shifting in my heart and mind. God is peeling off layer after layer of ego -and there are quite a few layers- to open my eyes to the woman he wants me to be. Part of this is working on proverb 31.

If someone had told me a few months ago that I would love the description of the "perfect" wife, I would have seriously scoffed because it sounded to me like Stepford wife 101, aka how to be a perfect southern conservative wife. Thanks but hell no thanks. And then I read the proverb with new eyes. I read it in a modern context. And I felt my heart stir just a little and I heard a little whisper that said "this could be you." Not this should be you -because I don't want to live with guilt. But it could be me. If I put my ego aside. Right now I would do anything for Léo but I am not so good to Joe. Part of me revolts at the idea of cooking, mending, and cleaning. Because I'm a modern woman, damnit. But of course now I understand that I can cook and clean without feeling demeaned. We can share chores and I can do mine with pride. Being a lovely wife does not mean being a doormat. Duh. A few months ago I told Joe I would never be a SAHM because there was no way (No. Way.) he could expect to come home to put his feet under the table. I can see how my fears of being stuck in a role/box made me so intransigeant. I have now changed my mind: if I stay home a bit more -which I am planning on doing soon, God willing- I might do more house chores but he will still have stuff to do around the house. More importantly, I will also be able to focus on fun stuff, not just chores. Our home is not going to become Mad Man Central just because I stay home more -well, except for the drinks at all hour of the day. I kid, I kid.

Can you believe it has taken me so long to come to this conclusion? Joe and I have been married for almost 7 years. It's about time!!

I'm not saying I will be the perfect wife. I probably won't wake up before everybody to cook breakfast. I will still come home and have no idea what's for dinner. I will probably sigh every time I have dog hair on my clothes and curse the dogs instead of brushing them. The main thing is that I won't resent improving the status quo. Heck, I might even be proud of the way my house looks.

Now, I am aware that Proverb 31 is not all about housework (it's about respecting others, talking wisely, being sound financially, all of which I want to work toward), but that's been one of the most challenging parts of marriage for me, and that's why I focus so much on that right now.

10 months!

Léo is 10 months old. This past month, he's become really cuddly, he has learnt to climb on couches, he makes fun sounds with his mouth, and... he is sleeping better (11 hours straight 2 nights ago... followed by a not-so good night last night, but the overall picture is improving). He still babbles a lot (mainly dadadada). We think he calls us "Da!" Well, he doesn't really call me anything, but he calls Joe "Da." It's really cute. He doesn't have stranger anxiety but when he sees someone new, he buries his head into our shoulders. He hugs us a lot. He wants to be in my arms all the time. When I pick him up at day care he does a funny sound with his nose (he breathes really loudly and crunches up his nose), smiles, and puts his arms up for me to pick him up. He does that when we pick him up from his crib as well. It's probably my favorite part of the day -not only because I get to spend the rest of the day with him (all 90 minutes of it, 60 of which are spent driving back home. Uh) but also because he's just so happy to see me -and then he does the same to Joe when we pick him up from work.

Léo's personality is really starting to show. He knows what he wants and doesn't want -and cries when he doesn't get what he wants! He is a very happy baby. We love him so much. More than I could ever express in words. He makes my heart skip a beat and burst about every day. He's my little piece of sunshine.

I need a lesson in life!

This weekend after a busy day with Joe and Léo, I told Joe: "You know, Léo hasn't had any solids today." I always forget to feed him solids.

This weekend a good friend (hi, Heidi!) re-organized her pantry and posted pictures on her blog. I was super impressed with the way it looked and by what she had in her pantry. She has a lot of basic food that allows her to cook a lot of meals. In comparison, here is my pantry:

No wonder we eat frozen meals. I really need to learn how to cook -and how to fill up my pantry (suggestions appreciated).

Today, another good friend (hi, Sarah!) and I were talking about the haircut I want to have. She asked whether I would color my hair and after I told her that my hair was super dry last time I colored it, she asked whether I used conditioner. Um, no, I don't. She laughed kindly.

When I got married I bought a book called The Modern Girl's Guide to Life. I think it's about time I read it!!

Haircut!

It's that time again... It's time to cut my hair. I love having long hair but I do nothing with it, so it's time to cut it short.

I'm thinking this:

Or that:

They're quite similar. I'll probably get my hair cut this weekend or next. Stay tuned.

What do you think I should go for?

Wishing, trusting, talking - in faith

I have been feeling quite conflicted about expressing faith lately. Not conflicted in my beliefs but conflicted about how to express those beliefs. I tend to be quite loud about my political beliefs and silent about my spiritual ones. Today I have read two blog posts* that opened my heart and mind. I wish I could express my thoughts with so much love, grace, and poise. I wish I were more a child of God and less a child of the Left Wing -well I am both but I wish I could share my ideas with a little less anger and conversely a bit more love. I tend to do exactly what I blame others for doing. I am intolerant, I yell (sometimes in my head, sometimes in real life), and I don't even consider people's beliefs worthy if they do not match mine.

I also wish I were more naive in my faith. I didn't say blind or stupid (here I am again with my loud mouth!). I meant trustful -naive like children are. I asked one of Léo's day care providers what her plans were for the summer and she said "I don't know what Jesus has for me yet." It must feel so good to rely completely on God instead of trying to control everything. Trying to control everything is tiring -trust me! I am in an in-between phase in life right now and the lack of control is really frustrating. I am settled in my apartment, job, and family life, yet it seems something else could happen. I feel I need to work toward something. It always seem that way. As a matter of fact, the only time in my life when I was not looking ahead was when I was pregnant, enjoying every day as it was. Now I'm back to running -quite literally running all day and always being rushed but also figuratively running in my head toward the next thing. I don't know what it looks like and I don't know what I need to do to get there. I wish I could just sit, listen to God, and wait on him. I am just so bad at doing that. I don't know how to listen to him, I don't take time to read the Word, and I barely have time to pray (thank God for the silent time I have with Léo at night... even though I am quite mad at God most of that time, which means I don't pray. Ha! Ahem.).

So I am going to stop wishing and start doing. I am going to say what I think with love, not anger. I am going to pray and trust God a bit more (a Pinterest poster read -I paraphrase- "Have you prayed about it as much as you've talked about it?"). I'm going to stop wondering what the future holds and start enjoying the little moments that pass by every day -Léo's smell when he gets off his bath, his smile when we pick him up from his crib, the way he plays with our hair when he holds us. I am going to be more confident in my faith. Or I'll try.

* "A Mountain I'm Willing to Die On," a love letter from a mom to her son, if he's gay.

* "The Slippery Slope," where faith leads you when you dare to love.

PS: Léo is sleeping better, sometimes up to 9 hours at a time. Praise God!