Compassion for moms of the world

When I was pregnant I cried often. Ok, I cried all the time. I watched a dumb TV show where women gave birth and I cried. One birth, one big cup of tears. At church when baptisms were being celebrated, I bawled. It always had to do with babies. I thought it was the hormones. Ha. Haha. Hahaha. Nope. 6 months after delivery and here I am, still crying whenever I read/hear something joyous or tragic about babies.

It's normal. I am a mom. I can really empathize with other moms' joys and pains. Before I felt bad for them, but now I feel their pain in my heart. It's difficult because I want to hear about sad stories -so I cry a lot. I want my heart to be broken. I want my eyes to be open so that I do something to help others. Two examples of this have been particularly striking lately:
- Last week the USAID administrator, Dr Raj Shah, came to my place of work and told us of a woman he met at a feeding center in Somalia who had to choose which child she would carry to the center because she was too frail to carry both. Thought Sophie's Choice was literature? Think again. It happens every day. Can you imagine how tragic (for lack of a more powerful word) it must be to have to choose between your children and leave one behind?
- Today I watched a documentary called A Precious Life about an Israeli doctor who tries to save a Palestinian 4.5 month old baby. When the mom is told at first that no one matches her son for a bone marrow transplant, the look in her eyes and the way she looks at her baby's hands, like she's seeing them for the first and last time, is almost too painful to watch. That story is also so difficult because it takes place in a country that hasn't known peace in more than 50 years and where both parties have a legitimate right to exist -I am not going to get political here and will leave it at that. It was wonderful to see how two people who could hate each other ended up talking to each other, laughing together, hugging, and sharing a slice of life. At the same time, the documentary is a good reminder, if one needs such a thing, that life is fragile, that so many people live with little to no health care and that babies die every day for preventable reasons. It's also a good reminder that peace starts at the individual level.

I realize how fortunate I am to be born in France and for my son to be born in the US in an upper middle class environment. I realize how lucky I am that he's healthy and growing normally. As a matter of fact, he woke up and cried while I was writing this post. As I held him, rocked him, nursed him, kissed him, I thanked God for his good health. It's so easy to think about Somalia, the DRC, Afghanistan or Gaza as places so politically messed up that peace seems too far fetched to imagine. But when you get at individual level, when you think about the lives of mothers, fathers, brothers, children and what they go through day in and day out, then you have to want to do something, anything, to help. Personal plug in... If you want to do something about the famine in Africa, it's still time to give to the Ask 5 for 5 Campaign. Your funds will be matched once by a generous donor AND five times more by World Vision. That means that $5 is turned into $35 right there and then! Whatever the cause that makes your heart ache... do something!

Attitude Adjustment

I have been feeling so whiny lately, so I have decided to write ONE post in which I complain about everything I can think about and then be more positive. Here goes:

I am going to France in November. I am really excited about it because I'm going re-introduce Leo (smiling, babbling, not screaming all the time) to his French family. Also he's going to hear French 100% for a whole week and that makes me so happy. However, I am concerned about the flight, his sleep schedule, and sharing time between my mom and dad's houses.

I am still exhausted because Leo doesn't sleep well. Actually (please do not let this jinx the whole thing!!) he has been waking up only once for the past 2 night. AMENHALLELUIA! I hope it's a trend and not an exception. Still, I'm tired. I have taken on so many night-time responsibilities since Leo was born. His first night and the first weeks after that Joe slept soundly through the night while I was figuring out breastfeeding and his schedule. After that Joe wanted to help but I always refused. Even now he has to tell me "I'm getting up, stay down" otherwise I get up. I don't know why I do that -acting like such a hero/martyr. Waking up in the middle of the night and being exhausted is not getting me any brownie points. There is no glory in being so exhausted that you bump into walls and can't think straight. Yet, here I am, thinking I'm being sooo awesome because I get up all the time AND expecting Joe to see that really I am such a good mom for sacrificing so much sleep for Leo. Uh. I need to stop thinking like this and give Joe a chance to get up in the middle of the night, put Leo to bed, and share in the pain.

While I admire Joe for going back to school and am thrilled about the opportunities having a MBA will bring to his life, I'm a little annoyed that I spend so much time solo parenting. Joe is a great dad, no doubt about this. On Monday and Wednesday nights -and whenever he has to study- I still find myself resenting the fact that *I* have to parent alone for a while. I should just take an hour for myself every week instead of being so bitter -again!- about the "sacrifices" I make. Now I know I'm a mom and that right there means you don't get to go to Target or Barnes whenever you want to. As a wife I need to be supportive of Joe's schedule and need to spend a lot of time studying. I think it'd be easier if I had family around because I could just spend hours with them (or drop Leo off and go to Target and Barnes!). Maybe I should just call up friends and spend a couple of hours with them on weekends. That way it won't feel so lonely anymore.

I feel that my interest in work and career is rising again but I am frustrated because my skills are not easily transferable and competition is fierce. I am a generalist and I would love to be a specialist -and have no idea how to get from point A to point B without some field or grad school experience. At the same time, I want to work part time (eventually maybe not at all when we have 2 kids), which means putting my career on hold for a bit. The two ideas -wanting to do more with my career / wanting to help more kids and wanting to stay home with Leo- conflict greatly in my mind right now.

I feel fat. I'm the same weight as I was 3 weeks after Leo's birth. I need to get my butt to the gym and lose the cellulite that's building up on my butt, thighs, and belly. Uh, gross.

Ok, I think that's it. There, it's all written down. That felt good. Now I can do something about my issues or shut my mouth. Good, let's move on!

Excuse My French.

I need a serious mouth washing. With soap and all. I usually think cussing is pretty funny. In particular I love using the phrases I learn in Dexter (thanks, Debra Morgan!). But I need to stop. First I cuss like a mad woman in front of Leo, which is not really fine. Second, I am not all mentally there these days and have cussed in 2 very unfortunate situations -both using my phone while driving. I guess I need to stop more than one bad habit!
#1- I left a voicemail to a doctor, in which I was super polite and jolly. 5 seconds after I hang up, a man cut in front of me and started driving 5 miles an hour. I was late. I was pissed. So I cussed him. Problem is... I never actually hung up the phone, so the doc must have heard an earful of not so friendly words. Uh.
#2 - Today again I phoned another doctor to say I was running late -I am ALWAYS late these days! A woman almost drove into my car and I had a slight brain fart, during which I forgot I was on the phone and yelled "F you." Uh, sh*t.

This is embarrassing. I really need to stop cussing so much!

Update on sleep training

I feel like an addict who's always pushing the date s/he will stop using to "tomorrow!" I am pushing sleep training back to later this week for 2 reasons: Joe is in school on Monday and Wednesday and I don't think I can do it alone; and Léo is getting shots tomorrow -again, I don't know that I'll be able to do sleep training alone with a baby who might be fussy from the shots and who is currently teething.

So... Thursday it is. I'll update you then.

Today he refused to nap after 1:30 so he fell asleep while drinking his last bottle at 6PM. No sleep training needed anyway. Good thing!

Sleep Training.

My baby is crying. Tonight we're doing sleep training again. Be still my heart. Be still, my feet. This is the hardest thing to hear -above all because Léo never cries. But I really don't know what else to do. I'm at a loss.

We tried sleep training once and I botched it big time. A month ago maybe I couldn't handle being up in the middle of the night for hours at a time so I decided that this was it, sleep training had to start. I gathered advise from my friends who had done it and we started with the Ferber method -you let your child cry but check on him every 5/7/10/15 minutes. We decided to go and check on him every 5 minutes. The first night, he cried for 50 minutes. Joe checked on him and I finally picked him up and rocked him until he was drowsy -at that point I put him back to bed. That is called "pick up, put down" or PUPD in the baby-friendly acronym lingo. The second night he cried for 30 minutes and 20 minutes the 3rd night. After that, I don't know. I might have stopped sleep training right there. The pick ups became more frequent and I put him down sleepier and sleepier. Sleep training was officially a bust. He keeps on waking in the middle of the night for hours at a time and I keep on wishing I knew what to do.

For the past few nights it has become worse. That might be because he's teething, but that might also be because he's 6 months old and understand that crying will get us to him bedroom stat. It's taken a long time to put him back to bed in the middle of the night and tonight he flat out refused to be rocked or to be put down in his crib. My over tired baby wanted to play! So that's it: we're doing sleep training again. Joe told me to take a walk, but it's cold and dark outside. I might watch something on Netflix with headphones on. Uh. I just don't know what else to do. I have tried rocking, patting, feeding, shushing, walking. Nothing seems to work. So Ferber method, here we come. Again.

I heard somewhere that ALL sleep training methods works as long as parents are consistent. So let's try to be.

Have you dealt with sleep issues? What worked?

The Shift

For about 2 weeks now I have really enjoyed spending time with Leo. I liked spending time with him before but was equally happy to leave him with the nanny or at day care because I felt they could take care of him as well as, if not better than, I could. I was so focused on his nap schedule that anxiety took over and I could not enjoy time with him without thinking "he should be sleeping right now. When will he sleep? Is he going to be messed up later because he doesn't sleep now? Is he going to have a bad night because he's not napping?" That was becoming slightly annoying. And then I stopped worrying. I saw a therapist specialized in post-partum anxiety to talk about it and she said that I should spend more time with Leo because the more you do something the less anxious you become (this is totally NOT true of flying on an airplane, lemme tell you) and she also said that Leo would be fine and would make up for short naps during the night or the next day. Duh. For some reason, the fact that an "expert" explained this to me clicked, and I have felt liberated. I am now enjoying time with Leo 100%. I don't think about naps too much and I don't fret about his future intelligence. I think this has made a difference in the way he interacts with me as well. Before, I felt he really wanted to spend time with Joe whereas now he seeks me out to rest and play. I also notice little things that I didn't notice before, like the way he holds on to me when I carry him or play with him. He might be independent and not that cuddly but he always has a hand on me while he explores and plays. I feel like Sally Field did when she received her Oscar: "You really like me!!"

I am really taking advantage of this new relationship and the fact that I can be alone with him without stressing. I still have a little bit of anxiety on Mondays and Wednesdays when Joe is at school, but the past week was fine and I'm sure anxiety will subside. Right now I'm working (and blogging. Ahem) in my bedroom while Leo is in the living room... and I miss him! I just want to tell the nanny to go home so that I can spend more time with my boy. It just feels so good to be able to really focus on him and enjoy him fully.

6 Months!

Happy half birthday to my sweet boy!! I cannot believe he's 6 months! It's like the Holy Grail of babyhood: you're done with exclusive breastfeeding (pat on the back from me to me, he's still breastfed, though not quite exclusively).

A few milestones reached:

- He says "babababa" which is really super cute because you can see how his brain works to make the sound.

- He sits up alone.

- He has a pretty regular schedule during the night: he wakes at 11:30 and 2:30 to feed and wakes up at 6 o'clock. Most nights he stays up for 45' after either feeding. Oy.

- He loves the jumparoo. We sing to him and he jumps in rhythm.

- He's trying to crawl by lifting his butt but he doesn't understand that he needs to move his knees.

- He is a great car napper -which is awesome since he sleeps on the way to and from day care.

I can't wait to see what this month brings -food, for one!

6 weeks.

6 months.

And We're Back!

We're almost all moved in. Boxes are cleared and clothes folded. Now we have to decorate the walls and find a place for my books. We also have to buy a new table and chairs as well as a desk for me to work and Joe to study.

Joe went back to school... and he's staying enrolled! One class is really fascinating to me: leadership and evidence-based management. I'm reading his material with interest. The other two classes are stats and econ. I won't be looking at these books anytime soon. We still need to figure out a routine for our week -when he studies, when I can have a bit of time to breathe, when I cook (well, yes). I think it's going to be fine. I just have to stop thinking about his graduation date (Dec 2013. Aaargh. Léo will almost be 3 years old. WHAT?!?) and take it one day at a time.

Léo has been such a ham lately. He understands that we might be around even when he can't see us, so he's looking for us all the time and is so happy when he finally spots us. Tonight I was taking a shower and he was on the bedroom bed. I could see him peek in the bathroom to see me and he had a huge grin on his face every time I said hi. It's nice to have these moments when he looks for us. It makes up for the fact that he's not cuddly at all anymore! I long for hugs and kisses, but he's into discovering the world around him and bouncing. I'm sure the time for hugs will come back. I am really trying to enjoy his still being a baby because I know I'll regret this phase when he's 2 or 3 years old.

Today he said "ba-ba-ba-ba" repeatedly. Yay, he's beginning to talk!! He has such a cute face when he says baba. And then he laughs because he sees us laugh and smile so much -and clap, but that stops him dead in his tracks, so we don't do that too much. I am dumbly so proud of him for saying this syllable. I mean, it's normal for babies to say that, but I still feel super happy that he's saying it repeatedly. He makes my heart burst with love, this boy!

For the past 2 nights he's woken up only once to eat and he hasn't been up for an hour (usually 3 to 4) like he's used to. He just eats and goes back to bed. I pray this will stay this way for a while. It feels good to not dread the nights. I remember when I was pregnant reading about a friend whose 5 month old baby still woke up in the middle of the night. Oh how judgmental I was! I told myself I would follow the baby wise method and would never allow my baby to wake up throughout the night after 12 weeks. Ha. Haha. Hahaha. We're at 25 weeks and I'm happy he only wakes up once. Having a baby is one great lesson in humility.

I feel that not much is going on but my calendar is full. It seems that the weeks zoom by. I am making an effort to document what Léo is doing and to pause to see him grow, but it still feels that time if flying by. Maybe that's what happens when you're a parent. One friend said "the days are long but the years are short." It is so true. Some days are so slooow but then the weeks and months seem to pass by too fast. So I'm trying to slow down and enjoy each moment.

Gah I sound so Carpe Diem-y. Next thing you know I'll be on a chair saying "Oh Captain my Captain!"