The Shift

For about 2 weeks now I have really enjoyed spending time with Leo. I liked spending time with him before but was equally happy to leave him with the nanny or at day care because I felt they could take care of him as well as, if not better than, I could. I was so focused on his nap schedule that anxiety took over and I could not enjoy time with him without thinking "he should be sleeping right now. When will he sleep? Is he going to be messed up later because he doesn't sleep now? Is he going to have a bad night because he's not napping?" That was becoming slightly annoying. And then I stopped worrying. I saw a therapist specialized in post-partum anxiety to talk about it and she said that I should spend more time with Leo because the more you do something the less anxious you become (this is totally NOT true of flying on an airplane, lemme tell you) and she also said that Leo would be fine and would make up for short naps during the night or the next day. Duh. For some reason, the fact that an "expert" explained this to me clicked, and I have felt liberated. I am now enjoying time with Leo 100%. I don't think about naps too much and I don't fret about his future intelligence. I think this has made a difference in the way he interacts with me as well. Before, I felt he really wanted to spend time with Joe whereas now he seeks me out to rest and play. I also notice little things that I didn't notice before, like the way he holds on to me when I carry him or play with him. He might be independent and not that cuddly but he always has a hand on me while he explores and plays. I feel like Sally Field did when she received her Oscar: "You really like me!!"

I am really taking advantage of this new relationship and the fact that I can be alone with him without stressing. I still have a little bit of anxiety on Mondays and Wednesdays when Joe is at school, but the past week was fine and I'm sure anxiety will subside. Right now I'm working (and blogging. Ahem) in my bedroom while Leo is in the living room... and I miss him! I just want to tell the nanny to go home so that I can spend more time with my boy. It just feels so good to be able to really focus on him and enjoy him fully.