I have been feeling so whiny lately, so I have decided to write ONE post in which I complain about everything I can think about and then be more positive. Here goes:
I am going to France in November. I am really excited about it because I'm going re-introduce Leo (smiling, babbling, not screaming all the time) to his French family. Also he's going to hear French 100% for a whole week and that makes me so happy. However, I am concerned about the flight, his sleep schedule, and sharing time between my mom and dad's houses.
I am still exhausted because Leo doesn't sleep well. Actually (please do not let this jinx the whole thing!!) he has been waking up only once for the past 2 night. AMENHALLELUIA! I hope it's a trend and not an exception. Still, I'm tired. I have taken on so many night-time responsibilities since Leo was born. His first night and the first weeks after that Joe slept soundly through the night while I was figuring out breastfeeding and his schedule. After that Joe wanted to help but I always refused. Even now he has to tell me "I'm getting up, stay down" otherwise I get up. I don't know why I do that -acting like such a hero/martyr. Waking up in the middle of the night and being exhausted is not getting me any brownie points. There is no glory in being so exhausted that you bump into walls and can't think straight. Yet, here I am, thinking I'm being sooo awesome because I get up all the time AND expecting Joe to see that really I am such a good mom for sacrificing so much sleep for Leo. Uh. I need to stop thinking like this and give Joe a chance to get up in the middle of the night, put Leo to bed, and share in the pain.
While I admire Joe for going back to school and am thrilled about the opportunities having a MBA will bring to his life, I'm a little annoyed that I spend so much time solo parenting. Joe is a great dad, no doubt about this. On Monday and Wednesday nights -and whenever he has to study- I still find myself resenting the fact that *I* have to parent alone for a while. I should just take an hour for myself every week instead of being so bitter -again!- about the "sacrifices" I make. Now I know I'm a mom and that right there means you don't get to go to Target or Barnes whenever you want to. As a wife I need to be supportive of Joe's schedule and need to spend a lot of time studying. I think it'd be easier if I had family around because I could just spend hours with them (or drop Leo off and go to Target and Barnes!). Maybe I should just call up friends and spend a couple of hours with them on weekends. That way it won't feel so lonely anymore.
I feel that my interest in work and career is rising again but I am frustrated because my skills are not easily transferable and competition is fierce. I am a generalist and I would love to be a specialist -and have no idea how to get from point A to point B without some field or grad school experience. At the same time, I want to work part time (eventually maybe not at all when we have 2 kids), which means putting my career on hold for a bit. The two ideas -wanting to do more with my career / wanting to help more kids and wanting to stay home with Leo- conflict greatly in my mind right now.
I feel fat. I'm the same weight as I was 3 weeks after Leo's birth. I need to get my butt to the gym and lose the cellulite that's building up on my butt, thighs, and belly. Uh, gross.
Ok, I think that's it. There, it's all written down. That felt good. Now I can do something about my issues or shut my mouth. Good, let's move on!
4 comments:
Ahh, your feelings are completely normal. I think I felt the exact same when Fabrizio came home. Especially when I took on the brunt of the care taking but you're right to think its not really doing you any good and you'd be better off sharing the responsibility. And by all means take an hour for yourself a week, at least!! Even if you just grab a latte and roam around Barnes, your brain needs that down time.
Blogging is therapy!! Nice to put it out. I did catch you trying to be positive in your complaining post though...
Come over this weekend!! Text me if you want. I'm making an all American rib dinner tomorrow night and would love to have you and leo!! Everyone is healthy :-) come early and let me watch Leo while you go to barnes or the other BN. :-)
Yay for France! Leo is going to do awesome on the trip, and so will you. It's so worth it.
I can relate on the up at night thing. I actually feel guilty if my Hubby wakes up and offers to help (this is also in part because now he has early-morning duty with LA and takes a bulk of the responsiblity with her now). But still! I also understand the Husband-in-School feeling. This too shall pass (even though it feels like it's going to be forever). I wished we lived a bit closer to each other, but you're always welcomed to come down and visit us. :-) Maybe once I get the hang out of getting two kids ready and out of the house in less than 1 hour we can head up to see you!
Oh friend, all I can say is I'm right there with ya on almost all counts. But I am blessed to have family close by, I know it is hard without that! I am planning on coming up so you can have date night but I could even come up on a Mon or Weds and you could have a few hours to yourself. We also need to hang out more on the weekends.
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