Going back to work

I am going back to work in one week. Jude will be 2 months and 2 weeks old. I am so conflicted about this. One the one hand, I love my job yes (well, right now I'd be inclined to say I like my job, but I'm a bit bitter). On the other, I am so in love with my baby that it pains me to leave him. I went back to work with Léo when he was 3 months and 3 weeks. My mother-in-law flew to Seattle the first week to take care of him, so he went to daycare when he was 4 months old, which at the time seemed young, too. This time around, the daycare we have chosen is not yet licensed, so we're going to hire a nanny until the infant room opens. This was cause for stress, but now that we've almost secured a nanny I want the State to take a loooong time to visit and license the daycare facility. I am so so happy to know that Jude can stay home with me for a bit longer. I just want to hold him and see him smile. Also I know what I'm doing (kinda) with him and I feel like writing a 10-page instruction manual to his care-givers. With Léo, it was more "please raise him for me because I have no clue how to raise a human being." It's different with Jude obviously because now I know what I'd do if I didn't have to go back to work, in terms of talking to him in French, carrying him (because it's nice and because of his flat head... which I'll talk about in another post), and just experiencing his growth.

It's so bittersweet. I am quite upset at the lack of paid leave in the country. It's ridiculous that I had to forego vacation for more than a year to have a decent "maternity"leave. This time around I really feel like I'm letting someone else raise my child. I am so heartbroken. I know he'll do fine and he'll know I'm his mama no matter what, but I also know I am trusting other people with Jude's development and it's a bit hard for me to accept this time around.

So I have one more week of talking to him In French and making him smile (for the 20 minutes he's awake between feedings!), of holding him close and smelling his soft hair. I can do that in the evening when I come home, I know that. I can also see the 2nd or 3rd (or 101st) time he does something if I miss the 1st. It's just that I know what I am missing now and it's hard to leave him, so young, to someone else.

That being said, I'm glad someone else will be getting puked on 5 times a day. Let's see the positive here, ha!

Anyway... One more week and I'm back at work. We'll see how it goes!

Talking to Jude

I have never felt comfortable talking to Léo or Jude. I don't know what to tell them. I end up saying "Hi baby!" 103 times in a row. But last week I read this blog post and it clicked! Talk to your baby not to increase their vocabulary but to tell them what is happening to them before or as things happen. That has helped tremendously. I still say "Hi baby!" too much, but I also make sure I talk to Jude as a human who deserves to know what is happening around him, not a mere participant in my life.

(I know the site is affiliated with the RIE method, which stands for Resources for Infant Educarers. I haven't read much about that because I don't want to feel like a failure for not following such and such method.)

Loving two children: same but different

I was wondering how it would be to love two children. While pregnant, I knew I loved Jude but it was nothing compared to what I felt for Leo. Actually I didn't feel as close to Jude as I did with Leo, even while pregnant. It's probably because I was so busy with life and Leo and didn't spend every waking second thinking of the baby growing inside me. It all changed when Jude was born of course. Well,  a few days after he was born!

As with Leo, I didn't feel much for the baby right away. With Leo people said "aren't you loving him so much?" and I didn't know how to answer because, well, no I didn't. I mean I did. He was my child, but he was also a stranger. Sane with Jude -with the added "bonus" of major guilt over having to share my heart, time, and arms between the two children. Actually on the first day I only held Jude when we were alone, not in front of Leo. Joe was a bit afraid I would reject the baby. I was just cold.

And then, as with Leo, the overwhelming feeling of love came. I was dealing with quite a bit of hormonal craziness with Leo, so my love for him was a bit too much. I cried and cried because I just loved him so much and was afraid to mess him up somehow. I held him a lot. I cuddled him all the time. And I had plenty of time to "bond" at night, since he didn't sleep much for the first few weeks. It was really intense love. It was different with Jude. After a day or two, I just... loved him. A deep and strong love. So deep and so strong. But this time I am level headed, Jude sleeps well at night, and he doesn't like to be held that much (how different they already are!). There is no freak out about my love for him or my fear to mess him up (I will mess him up somehow and it's ok!).

(By the way, the guilt I felt about sharing was gone in about a week. I thought I'd have a lot to say about that, but no. It just went away in a snap)

I love them both to a level that words can't express. They are my life. But the love I have for them feels different. It is not different in intensity (both are 20 on a scale from 1 to 10) but in how I think about that love. I don't know if that makes much sense. In a way I feel my love for Leo was all over the place and my love for Jude is very steady, almost calm. Might have to do with hormones!

I'm just so happy to love these two little guys. And I'm happier to see who they are, how they will interact, who they will become.

Transitions

Ah, I wish I had a great blog post telling you about my 10 tips to ease transition from one child to two, but for that you'll have to go on Pinterest. Let's be honest: it has been a bit chaotic at home lately. Léo is having a difficult time with his new school and Jude's arrival. Latest example: last night and this morning. He came to our bed at about 4:30, right as I was done feeding Jude (and cleaning us up. Little man has major reflux). Léo told me that he wanted his car blanket back -the one I put under Jude's rocker material. I told him that was not possible and he screamed and cried "I don't want Jude to have any of my blankets." Ah yes, it is starting. Then this morning he screamed and cried because he didn't want to go to school. And during the day he screams and cries (really screams -high pitched and loud) about a lot of things: wanting to go to the pumpkin patch NOW, wanting yet another toy, not wanting to eat, etc. It's been rough to be collected and answer like an adult (I have heard myself say "FINE!" like a teenager. Not my finest moment). It's also been tough to find a balance between respecting his feelings and saying no, once and for all, on any given issue. I'm reading Siblings Without Rivalry and hopefully that'll help some. I just think it's been a lot all at once and it's hard for a 3-year old to process. And it's hard also to be in class and understand nothing of what the teacher says. Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa on that one.

Hopefully in a few months I'll have that 10 tips blog post. In the meantime... I'm trying to find a balance one day at a time!

Mothers from abroad - I am featured on a splendid blog!

Check this out -and generally stalk her blog (she is my favorite blogger these days): 24 Surprising Things About Parenting in the United States.

At last an update!

It's been too long. Way too long! An update is in order.

JUDE IS BORN! Well that's an update all right. Our little guy was born 3 weeks and 2 days early on August 29th. He's been a delight since. I am quite in love with him. Léo has had to adjust (whole post coming on that one) but overall we're all doing pretty well. A few things:
- I started feeling strong contractions at 3:30am -they woke me up- and gave birth at 6:10am. Yup, fast. And painful. Oh my word, painful. But fast. Yay!
- He eats every 3 hours (4-5 during the night! That didn't happen with Léo and I'm overjoyed, but I am not controlling anything and am so afraid he's going to start waking up in the middle of the night and stay awake). He's quite a chunky baby now. He went from 19 inches and 6 pounds to 21.5 inches and almost 10 pounds in 3 weeks. I love his baby fat rolls!
- He sleeps the rest of the time. He's just starting to be awake during the day, now at 6 weeks. And he's also starting to resist naps. Awesome.
- He loves his pacifier. He eats super fast (I have a fast flow) so he needs to suck on something. Léo did, too. Pacifier to the rescue! That being said, that thing should have its own circle of hell. It's great when it sticks in his mouth but all hell breaks lose when the thing falls. Oy.
- I love not working. I love my job but I am already really sad that the thought of going back to work in 5 weeks. Jude will only be 2.5 months. Léo was 3.5 months when I went back to work and I thought it was early. Jude will most likely be in daycare for 8-9 hours per day right when he starts being an awesome baby who smiles and cooes. The US and its lack of paid leave... Infuriating.
- Léo did really well the first 2 weeks despite having a brother and starting in a new school all within a few days. But he's having a hard time now. Tantrums galore. That is a bit hard, but understandable. I love my cool a lot, so I apologize a lot. We're all learning here.
- It seems that whenever I start drinking my coffee or eating he wakes up. Uncool, child.
- Speaking of drinking... Wine has returned into my life. Ah, the joy.
- Raising a newborn can be quite lonely. Good thing I am an introvert who loves her books and TV. Still, I wish I could see more people and make new friends (but actually just typing that makes me cringe. I wish I could see my current friends more). Maybe I'll start going to museums during the week. The Baby Bjorn should help (I splurged on the new one that's better for babies' hips).

Léo likes his new school. I love his teacher and am amazed at how fast he learns new French words (he counts to 12 and knows the days of the week). I am so excited about having Jude start in 2 years (already!)

I want to go on 2 date nights before I go back to work. I also want to spend one-on-one time with Léo. I'm planning those events and I'm quite excited.

Finally, I might have another blog or change the name of this one. I need something new that will fit with the phase of life I am in and something that will encourage me to post more. I have a crapload of stuff to say, but I never write. So... blog update / renewal in order soon!

And finally, a few pictures, of course!

Meeting baby Jude.

First time holding his brother.

Ah, proud little man!

Resting with his little brother.

Morning of his first day of class in his new school! That was only 4 days after Jude's birth and he did so well!

First day of school! I was probably as or more nervous than he was.

At one week. Picture courtesy of Incandescent Photos.

The things we need to do

In the next few weeks:
- Introduce Leo to French. I don't even know where to start. Yes, it is my mother tongue, but I haven't taught it to anyone ever, so I don't know how to start with him. Maybe I can just introduce some terms he'll hear at school.
- Tell him he's going to a new school. It's difficult to find a balance between wanting good timing (not too early, not too late) while waiting to make him read by talking about it a lot and speaking French. He's starting in THREE weeks. Oh my word. I'm SO stressed about his first few weeks there. I'm hoping we can visit the school before he starts but they're all on vacation until the 22nd, so I don't know what they're willing to do in the last week of August -I'm sure all teachers will be busy prepping their classrooms. I'll harass them on the 22nd! Ok, maybe the 23rd.
- Talk more about the baby! We need to get going. He obviously knows a brother is coming, but we need to get into the details -hospital stay, what to expect from the baby and the first few weeks, etc.

I feel unprepared!

When my love language and raising a grateful child collide

In the midst of all world tragedies and all that is heavy, let me offer you this first world problem post. (I can't write about the world right now. Too much to say, no adequate words to express feelings).

One of my main love languages is gifts. I don't think I grew up with a lot of gifts when I was very young, but I remember getting gifts for good grades and birthdays, and those gifts were always special. As I grew up, the gifts my parents chose for me and my brother (ok, mostly gifts my mom chose for us because she was the one shopping) were always personal and spot on. To this day, I try to choose gifts that mean something to people to show i know and love them and I do like receiving gifts that correspond to my personality. That makes me feel loved.

So it's no wonder I do the same with Léo. I show my love for him by giving him little gifts all the time. And that has created a huge issue. He expects gifts. He expects a toy when we go to Target. He expects a lollipop when I pick him up from school. And if there is nothing, a huge tantrum ensues. I need to stop that -but it is difficult for me because I need to change the way I show love, and I need to do it in a way that I know will be positive for Léo but that won't bring me as much joy. I know parenting is not about me. It's really about who I want him to be. And I want him to be grateful, to appreciate Joe's and my presence rather than presents ( yeah yeah I read that on Pinterest.... and it stuck), to enjoy the little things in life, etc.

And I need to change the way I do things stat because he's already 3, a new little one is coming who will most likely rock his world for a few months, he's going to change school and hear a new language for 9 hours a day (not a good time to change things in his life). I know he won't remember much about what happened when he was so little. Now is the time. And I mean now, as in this month and next. So August might be challenging for us. For me because I need to learn to express my love in new ways. For him because he's 3 and toys are fun and tantrums easy to throw. Wish us luck!

Choices!

I am quite stressed right now and faced with many choices. Mind you, first world problem choices –all good choices in the end. But I do not like making choices. I really take forever to make any decision in life. I like change in theory but in reality change leaves me exhausted, feeling like I need therapy.

We have had to make three main choices lately: whether Leo’s new school was really a good fit for him, where we’d move (in order to be closer to his new school), and whether to start him in the new school in July or September. I think we have all decisions made, but my heart is still fluttering thinking about the other options and I feel less confident than ever. And I am stressed about all the changes ahead for Léo (in chronological order: new apartment, new school, new language, new brother). I need a nap!

How do you deal with making big decisions in your life?

Wordless Wednesday (Joy!)

A hard week - Links (updated)

Because I cannot talk about this -HR policy and all. I'll let others who write better speak into it, and express some of my thoughts beautifully. All these posts were written after WV reversed the policy they made public on Monday.

When Everyone Gets Wiplash (Neon Fresh).

World Vision, Gay Marriage, and a Different Way Through (Jen Hatmaker)

I Don't Blame World Vision. I Blame Homophobia and Hate (Patheos)

World Vision Update (Rachel Held Evans)

When World Vision Drops Me (Benjamin Moberg)

World Vision's LGBT Problem Comes Out Of the Closet (Edward Carr) - Legalistic look at USAID funding for WV

When Rules and Sanctimony Are More Important Than People (Intellectual Liberation)

Wordless Wednesday (Cambodia)

I'll just add explanations...

Street Kids Center. The little girl at the top is only 2.

Street Kids outreach Activity at night. These children work in the street -but live at home. They're all ages -and love this time of rest and learning.

Interesting tree at the Killing Fields.

Clothes from the dead keep on coming out in the Killing Fields.

Killing Fields.

Killing Fields.

Drinks, anyone? 

Royal Palace.

Royal Palace.

Royal Palace.

View from a community room in one village we visited.

Typical houses.

Mekong.

Ah, coffee!

Plagiarism...

Seeing child labor first hand in Phnom Penh

I'm in Cambodia, traveling for work. In my first two days I have visited a shelter for children survivors of sex trafficking and rape and a center where former street children live. In both cases, these shelter are medium term -12 to 18 months- and children will be reintegrated with their families, in their communities. I have had a hard time dealing with my feelings, or lack thereof, when visiting these centers. I became quite professional, asking the right questions, thinking about theory of change, and not being able to make the connection between what I read about what these children have experienced with them in the shelters. That is quite confusing.

But then yesterday night as my colleague and I were enjoying a drink on the terrace of a restaurant, we saw a little working girls (selling bracelets) pass by. A man followed her and slapped her lightly on the back of the head. I yelped "HEY!" and then stopped myself because what could I say? I don't speak the man's language. The little girl started crying and looking at the man like she wanted to punch him. He just looked at her and at other kids who seemed to be working for him. The girl soon left with 2 of her friends, who were also selling bracelets. My colleague and I just sat and felt so very powerless. What the heck could we do? Tell the man he's an a**shole in a language he doesn't understand? Hug the little girl, who doesn't know me and probably doesn't need this from me? Tell the police, who are corrupted like crazy and wouldn't do anything or actually would harm the child (the government has a "sweeping" policy toward children who sell in the streets and they tend to put these youth in jail cells rather than help them)? It was so tough being confronted with this situation.

I know not to buy from these kids because it encourages trafficking. But what do you do when one of these children is hurt physically and emotionally in front of you? I'm still unsettled about this and feel like I failed somehow as a human and a child protection worker.

This is when I wish I had more practice in this sector. Theory is awesome (more community-based care, change the systems, no direct benefits, etc) but when you're confronted with issues in situ, it's a different story. And since my organization is Christian, shouldn't we follow Christ and do both community strengthening AND perform "miracles" (aka helping people when and where they suffer, even though that's not sustainable in the long term)? Sorry I know this is super programmatic/technical. I'm just feeling so unsettled about this experience, my own lack of experience and knowledge (aka my usual feelings that I am fraud in this job, even though I love it and enjoy it greatly and know in my head that I am doing ok), and my overall feelings about the aid world, its cynicism, and the responsibilities I have during this trip -bunch of project redesigns to talk about and a mid-term evaluation report coming up. SO much to process.

So on one hand I felt super disconnected during my visits to project (one friend said that seeing people in a safe environment is obviously less emotional than seeing them in the situation in which they hurt, which is spot on) and on the other hand I cannot get over yesterday's situation where my job and real life smashed into one another with a bang.

Sorry this is long. I am processing as I am writing. More soon- hopefully less confusing posts!

Resolutions... Fail!

Well, I have pretty much failed at updating my blog often... though really I think about it all the time!

I'll update soon with a summary of the IF Gathering and my trip to Cambodia (I'm currently sitting in the airport waiting for my flight there). One day I'll be better at blogging...

Community Building

One of my new year resolutions is to intentionally find or create a community of like-minded people here in my neighborhood. And I'm slowly working on it!


I am still meeting with some French moms (I am hosting a book club in March) and going to a new book club in February. But the best part is that I now belong to a group of young moms who will meet on Feb 7-8 to watch the IF: Gathering, held in Austin and organized by Jen Hatmaker, Jennie Allen, and other really intelligent progressive Christian women. The premise of the meeting is "If god exists, then what?" What does it mean for our life, what is God's call in our life? How do we fit our lives into God's plan? I'm so happy to have found this group and hope this will be the beginning of great friendships. 
So prayer answered!! I'm quite scared of meeting new people, but so grateful to have the opportunity to be part of this community -French moms, book lovers, and progressive Christian moms. 

My time in the DRC (the Never Again post!)

I traveled to Bukavu, in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, 5 years ago to be a volunteer in a hospital that has a special program caring for victims/survivors of sexual assault. I was to be there 4 months but because of administrative complications, I stayed in Nairobi (Kenya) for 2 months before going to Bukavu and staying there for the remaining 2 months. I did volunteer at the hospital. I saw the women and their children, interacted with the staff, visited the region a bit, went to UN parties... and I would never do that again!

There is a huge need there of course. Children are malnourished, civil war (and war with neighboring countries) is ongoing, sexual assault is used more than ever by civilians and armed forces alike. But... the Congolese don't need short-term volunteers.  They need long-term, committed and compassionate people -that excludes most UN peace keepers, believe me. I feel guilty every time I think of my trip there. I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't know the language, I didn't know how to interact with the population. I was clueless and fortunately didn't end up doing harm (but maybe I did?) but as sure as heck didn't do any good either.

Unless one has a history in the region -maybe was born there, knows people there, knows the language, culture, and context- one shouldn't plan on volunteering in this type of environments (or in any type of humanitarian / development setting) unless that commitment is for the long term. Mine was not. Mine was born of a desire to "go to the field," to strengthen my resume, to be in a place where I was in the middle of the action. Boy was I wrong -both in my assumptions and in my going there in the first place. I seriously feel a tremendous amount of guilt every time I think of this trip. I cringe when I talk about my time there. Sure, I learnt a great deal about the culture and the context -but at whose expense? I think Congolese people are fed up with white people trying to help, coming and going as their careers bring them to the DRC and take them away before any change happens. They're even fed up with peace keepers prying on their daughters (peace for sex? Please!), with NGO workers whose simple presence increases the price of every day goods, including rent and groceries, and with the situation not ever changing for the best. I would be fed up and even angry if I were from there. And I contributed to the problem with my short stint there.

I know better now. I will discourage anyone from going to this type of environment for a very short time -maybe go with Habitat in a peaceful context, but make sure your actions will not cause harm. I will not go anywhere on my own again -I could be seconded with my work but I know I'll be surrounded by professionals and I'll have a clear mandate. And I will donate to the hospital instead of thinking that my presence and skills (especially 5 years ago!) will make a difference.

2013 Recap

Happy New Year friends. May 2014 bring you joy and peace.

So, it's time to recap 2013. I saw this post on the Rage Against the Minivan -who got it herself from All and Sundry. What a great way to sum up the year! Here goes:

1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?

Hmmm, nothing really! Well, I started working from home full time, and that I had never done before. But nothing adventurous!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?


Ha. Haha. Hahahaha. Nope, I didn't. I don't even know what my resolutions were last year. Ok, so I went back to my blog post from last January and those were my resolutions: be kinder to the dogs (nope), eat healthier (um, nope, nope, nope), save money (uh, nope), smile more (maybe). 

This year I do have resolutions: love my body, whatever shape or weight it is, intentionally find or create a community, update this blog weekly, and make Léo bilingual. At work, read and learn more about child protection, best practices, and be better at my job -which I still love!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?


YES! My friends Karen and Perry welcomed sweet Aiden in July and my friend Jen gave birth in August to her beautiful Julia. 

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes, unfortunately. Joe's cousin, Todd, died in October.

5. What countries did you visit?

El Salvador, Germany, Honduras. 2 of those were new!

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?

Time - to silence my mind and pray, to plan and dream, to write.

7. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

May 10th - my dad got married to Alexandra. May 31st - we left Seattle and moved to California.

December 5 - Nelson Mandela died.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?


- I thought working from home would be more difficult, but I am an introvert and not being around people works for me -though I do miss my friends greatly. So that was good. 

- Also I survived HEAT (Hostile Environment Awareness Training) - a hard core training for work- and made great friends there. As in lasting friendships. Really good!

- Finally I met with French moms. I do not like meeting new people but I went to 3/4 events this year with French moms. Yay me.

9. What was your biggest failure?

No big failure, fortunately. I need to be more patient with Léo but I wouldn't say my parenting was a failure. Ah yes. I didn't speak French to Léo. And I was not patient with my mom at all -I actually ended up being quite annoyed at her and angry. That is a big failure, right there. 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

No, thankfully.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A new car! It's good because I don't feel trapped at home but I walk close to zero yard a day now. Quite disappointing.

12. Where did most of your money go?

Taxes, trip to Europe, move, car. Too many trips to Target. 

13. What did you get really excited about?

Our move! Lots of sunshine!! Lots of time with family. And spending time with my family in France as well as 2 days in Paris with Joe and Léo. The best. I miss Paris.

14. What song will always remind you of 2013?

Sadly, Blurred Lines -because it's Léo's dance party song. 

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:


– happier or sadder? Happier thanks to the sunshine. Sadder because I have fewer friends close by. Definitely happier because I see family a lot. Happier because my marriage is stronger. Sadder because I don't have a spiritual community. Overall HAPPIER!

– thinner or fatter? Uh, fatter damnit.
– richer or poorer? Poorer. But not poor, poor. Just not as much money as last year -but it's all right.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?


I wish I had journaled more. It's obvious from this recap exercise I don't remember much of what happened this past year!! I wish I had been focused on the present more: I think of personal stuff at work, I don't focus on Léo when he asks me to play because racing cars and planes all day is a bit tiring, I just go through days like a robot. I wish I had been more mindful of the daily joys of the past year -there were many.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?


Less TV for sure. 

18. How did you spend Christmas?

With family at Joe's parents (night of the 24th) and Joe's sister (day of the 25th). It was great.

19. What was your favorite TV program?

Oh, so many! I am addicted to TV shows!! Masters of Sex, Sherlock, Call the Midwife, Games of Throne, Ray Donovan, Dexter, and Spiral.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

Oh so many, too! Behind the Beautiful Forevers was really interesting. Carry On Warriors was touching and hilarious. The Light Between Oceans was beautiful and heartbreaking. Quiet allowed me to identify as an introvert and feel less weird!

21. What was your favorite music from this year?


I'm a bit of a dork but I loved "Mirrors" from Justin Timberlake. I also discovered The Civil Wars band and love them -and their station on Pandora.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

I catch up with French movies quite late and this year I loved Polisse and The Intouchables. Excellent movies.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I don't think we did much, actually. I turned 33. 

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Being healthier would have been better -financially, physically, even emotionally. But overall it was a pretty good and satisfying year!

Oh, feeling more competent at work would definitely have made my work life more satisfying! I'll work on that next year.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?

Sweat pants, long skirts, comfy sweaters. I wouldn't call this fashion, really!

26. What kept you sane?

Seeing family so much, Léo's laughter, friends at and outside of work, BBC podcasts, Netflix streaming. And reading again. For a while I couldn't focus enough to read but I read a lot this year -and I love it!

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.


The main thing is that I am the one in charge of my happiness. I cannot expect others to make me happy or resent people when I feel frustrated. Also one of my main defense mechanisms is to forget bad stuff -but that means I forget a lot of the good, too. I tend to live on the surface a lot -in order not to feel too much. I don't know how to fight this because I have been doing that for years. Maybe writing on this blog more often will help me stay grounded.