Roots

Tonight I went to a fundraiser for someone at my church. The man has been a parishioner for years and most people attending the party have known him for decades. How nice it must be to have roots somewhere, to have friends who have been around for most of your life. Joe and I are thinking about moving away from Seattle and while he's really excited about it, I can't help but think that I finally have a community, a (mostly) good job and really wonderful friends. I am not sure I want to move again.

This morning I went to the French immersion school in Bellevue to vote for my next president (1st turn). After I was done -it only took about 10 minutes- I sat in my car and cried. I miss France. So much.

I have roots. Here in Seattle, in France, in Orange County a bit (my baby certainly has 50% of his roots there!). I don't feel however that I have deep roots anywhere. I just want to get to know people. Really know them. Grow with them, learn alongside them. And that doesn't happen by packing and moving every 5 years or so.

I wish I were someone who could feel at home anywhere. Someone from my team said we should "bloom where we're planted." I should definitely remember to do just that.

Thoughts on Lent

Lent is long gone now but I am still thinking about what I have learnt during that 40-day period. I didn't give up anything this year. Instead I resolved to read a bit of the Old Testament every day (I had only read a few books). It was quite easy at first because I was in Vietnam for 12 days. Back home, I read the Bible on my Iphone (yes, there's an app for that!) when I went to bed. What I read blew my mind... but not necessarily in a positive way. I read of violence, of genocide, of God ordering the Jews to kill everything in the villages they fought (including men, women, babies -BABIES!- and animals), of terrible injustice against women, of wrongful deaths. Man... Parts of the Old Testament are just brutal. Made me think that we humans were not the only ones in need of redemption when Jesus died...

I mean, no wonder the conflict between Israel and Palestine is that bad when you read the way God tells the Jews to treat their enemies. And the Shari'a has nothing on the Bible: a woman who is raped will be stoned if she didn't scream for help and/or she will have to marry her rapist.

I do not believe that most stories from the Bible are true. I do not believe in Adam and Eve. I don't know whether the miracles of Moses really happened. I certainly doubt Mary's physical virginity. Yet I believe in the message and in the overall philosophy of the Bible -Jesus' message to be exact. But I can't ignore the Old Testament either, as much as I'd like to. It's challenging, really, but I if I call myself a Christian I must be able to know what my religion is about. I am pretty sure I won't change my political opinions -I am pro-choice (you know, not pro-abortion, but pro-choice), definitely pro-LGBT, pro-tax, etc. I just want to know who God is and why he eventually sent Jesus.

And then there's the whole concept of being "saved" and redeemed. I wholeheartedly believe in Jesus' words of love and social justice but I am still struggling with the concept of undeserved grace, or rather the fact that those who don't believe will end up in Hell. I actually read a great book that dealt with the same doubts (Evolving in Monkey Town). So yes, I have some reading to do and thoughts to process. I may have to extend the Lenten season a bit!

ONE!

My sweet baby boy is one. Yesterday I read "your baby will be a toddler when he turns one, or if you want, when he walks." Um, how about, as my dear friend Jen suggested, when he turns 18 months old? Yeah, I'll go with that.

It's been a fast year. He has grown so much, physically, intellectually, emotionally. He was kind of a spineless blob and now he's a funny and happy little man.

I went through pictures of him yesterday and... I do not regret ANY day that happened before today. I have loved Léo with all my heart and all my soul from the day he was born, but saying I enjoyed this first year thoroughly would be a big fat lie. The first weeks were difficult. I was a crying mess in the first two weeks. I dreaded the nights, when I felt so alone and helpless (as a matter of fact I started being withdrawn and depressed at about 8PM every day and couldn't wait until the sun came up). I worried about everything. Fortunately I have had the greatest network of girlfriends. They were (and still are) willing and ready to answer every single one of my questions and encouraged me daily -and checked up on me frequently, for which I am so, so thankful. And they kept on saying "It gets better. Hang in there. It gets better."

And it did! I don't know when exactly I stopped worrying about everything, but gradually the cloud lifted. I still haven't found my brain. I still go through bouts of emptiness and mild depression. I still waver between wanting to be a stay at home mom and having a career (this morning I got emails from two different women I know. One decided to stay home and the other is moving to LA for a great job opportunity. Both emails made my heart stir). I still question a lot of things. But I know I am a good mom. Joseph is an amazing father. Léo is happy. There is no doubt in my mind that we are raising a healthy, confident, and happy child.

I also have discovered new things about myself: I can live with barely any sleep at all, I love seeing the world through my child's eyes, I can make good decisions about parenting, I don't care about milestones anymore. And I have discovered a love I didn't know existed. A fierce, protective, yet tender love for my baby. He is my sunshine, my everything.

A few things about him as he starts his second year:
- He loves purple! On Sunday we went to a baby's party and there were plenty of colorful balls. He only picked the purple ones. At home we gave him crayons and again he only picked the purples one.
- He anticipates things. When we tickle him he starts laughing even before we touch him. Obviously we've been tickling him a lot.
- He points to what he wants. he points with his hand wide open so sometimes it's tough to know what he really wants (our house is a mess!).
- He loves dogs. he will stare at them, run after them, and laugh at them. He always plays with Piper and wants kisses from her (he opens his mouth wide and says "aaa"!)
- He still loves the vacuum cleaner (see the other blog).
- He loves walking and sometimes tries to run.
- He tries to put 2 sounds together. Right now he loves the sound of the letter "L." He puts his little tongue between his teeth and goes at it "LLLLL." And then he says "dl-dl-dl." I can't wait for his first word -which reminds me, I need to stop cussing so much. Yikes.
- He understands French. When I open my arms and ask for a hug, he comes to me and gives me a hug. When I ask "Where is..." he starts looking around. I love that he gets a bit of French (I only see him a couple of hours per day during the work week so his French immersion is limited).

After the excitement of this last year he decided that he would start his second year being a DIVA!




WE LOVE YOU LEO!!

Adjustments

Léo is doing great at day care. Everybody loves him, which makes me really happy. He doesn't have a rhythm there yet because staff is still trying to figure out whether they should take their daily walk before or after lunch (I hope after because before lunch is always during nap time and it messes up his day) and because staff don't know Léo that well yet. He has only taken one morning nap this whole week. Needless to say, it's a little stressful for me (he's doing fine!) because I don't want him to switch to one nap per day yet. Other than than, I'm relishing the fact that he has daily walks outside (to the library! to the market!) and that 2 of the staff are male -full of both energy and cuddles. Oh, and the ratio of staff to children is awesome. Usually it's 3 staff to 4-5 kids. Awesome-sauce!

I have also had to adjust a bit. The other day care had a very family-oriented feeling. I could ask questions about child rearing. I pretty much let them feed Léo whatever they wanted. I trusted them completely with taking care of him. Right now I would be asking them advice about going from formula to milk. I feel this new day care is a little colder, maybe more "professional" in a way. I miss Léo's old providers -though I don't miss commute one bit! I really appreciate his providers now but you can tell some of them don't have hands-on experience with full time daycare. One staff asked "how old is he again? Not even one. Oh I thought he was 18 months old." Um, really? But I like this place. Everybody is nice. We're just pretty much all adjusting!

Léo is happy, which is the most important.

We're having a 3-day weekend since both Joe and I took Monday off for his BIRTHDAY!

His birthday!! You know another post is coming :)