Wishing, trusting, talking - in faith

I have been feeling quite conflicted about expressing faith lately. Not conflicted in my beliefs but conflicted about how to express those beliefs. I tend to be quite loud about my political beliefs and silent about my spiritual ones. Today I have read two blog posts* that opened my heart and mind. I wish I could express my thoughts with so much love, grace, and poise. I wish I were more a child of God and less a child of the Left Wing -well I am both but I wish I could share my ideas with a little less anger and conversely a bit more love. I tend to do exactly what I blame others for doing. I am intolerant, I yell (sometimes in my head, sometimes in real life), and I don't even consider people's beliefs worthy if they do not match mine.

I also wish I were more naive in my faith. I didn't say blind or stupid (here I am again with my loud mouth!). I meant trustful -naive like children are. I asked one of Léo's day care providers what her plans were for the summer and she said "I don't know what Jesus has for me yet." It must feel so good to rely completely on God instead of trying to control everything. Trying to control everything is tiring -trust me! I am in an in-between phase in life right now and the lack of control is really frustrating. I am settled in my apartment, job, and family life, yet it seems something else could happen. I feel I need to work toward something. It always seem that way. As a matter of fact, the only time in my life when I was not looking ahead was when I was pregnant, enjoying every day as it was. Now I'm back to running -quite literally running all day and always being rushed but also figuratively running in my head toward the next thing. I don't know what it looks like and I don't know what I need to do to get there. I wish I could just sit, listen to God, and wait on him. I am just so bad at doing that. I don't know how to listen to him, I don't take time to read the Word, and I barely have time to pray (thank God for the silent time I have with Léo at night... even though I am quite mad at God most of that time, which means I don't pray. Ha! Ahem.).

So I am going to stop wishing and start doing. I am going to say what I think with love, not anger. I am going to pray and trust God a bit more (a Pinterest poster read -I paraphrase- "Have you prayed about it as much as you've talked about it?"). I'm going to stop wondering what the future holds and start enjoying the little moments that pass by every day -Léo's smell when he gets off his bath, his smile when we pick him up from his crib, the way he plays with our hair when he holds us. I am going to be more confident in my faith. Or I'll try.

* "A Mountain I'm Willing to Die On," a love letter from a mom to her son, if he's gay.

* "The Slippery Slope," where faith leads you when you dare to love.

PS: Léo is sleeping better, sometimes up to 9 hours at a time. Praise God!