Obviously love because we love him so much. I can't stop looking at him and am in awe that he's our son and that he's so perfect. In the womb he was super gentle and still is now. He sleeps a lot, doesn't cry that much, and makes the cutest little sounds -especially when he's frustrated. Seriously, Léo is awesome. I don't have words to describe my feelings for him. I am almost expecting something bad to happen because the whole pregnancy, delivery, and now life with him have been so easy. I know, way to be positive, huh?
That bring us to fear. I fear that something bad is going to happen. I worry about everything, from the way he breathes to the number of hours he sleeps to whether he pees/poops enough and the way his belly button heals (it fell on Sunday and has been bleeding a bit today). I suddenly wake up and check on him many times an hour during the night to make sure he's still alive (damn SIDS). It almost feels like there's 100 pounds of fear on my shoulders all the time. I think that's why I dread nights so much because -apart from the fact he stays awake from 12-3am- I fear something is going to happen to him while I sleep. So my already little sleep is disturbed by frequent check ups on my boy.
Finally, guilt... Aaah, all moms have experienced this, I am sure. I feel guilty when he wakes up and all I can think of is "great. Now what am I going to do with him / tell him?" I feel guilty that I want to stop breast feeding after only 10 days -because it hurts and because Léo sometimes doesn't latch on properly so he eats every 2 hours. I feel guilty when he cries and I don't know what to do to soothe him. I feel bad that I am not putting him on a schedule yet, that he sleeps on my chest or in bed with us in the middle of the night, and that I put him to sleep on his side because he hates being on his back (and he doesn't like being swaddled either). Fortunately, when I ask my friends who have kids -well, most of you who read the blog actually :) - what they did in the first few weeks of their babies' lives, they tell me they did the same I am doing now, which lessens the guilt immensely. We all try to follow the "rules" but we break them depending on our babies' temperaments and needs.
Those 10 days have been a bit draining and totally worth it. I am careful to be positive and not be depressed. I know my mood drops every night by 8:30 but that I will be better by 6 am. I am both happy and really grateful yet life has been, well, a little hard. Having Léo in our lives is such a blessing. I love him more than I thought possible and I know these feelings of guilt and fear are the manifestation of my love for him and the fact that I have no control over his schedule, his body, his problems. I just have to get used to not being able to protect him as much as I could when he was in my belly -and I know that these feelings will last a lifetime. Right now everything seems out of the ordinary, raw, and emotional (hormones!).
The best part of these first days is that I have time to stare at my baby all day long if I want to and thank God for the beautiful gift he has given us. Happiness is as simple as that!
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