I know... I sound like a broken record. Leo has sleep issues. As a result Joe and I have sleep issues. I am not doing well at all. I am reluctant to write this because I know I complain a lot about little things. Ok, I complain about little things all the freaking time. But this is not a little thing. When we got back from France I thought about how disconnected I felt from my country and fellow French people. But then I realized I have felt disconnected from pretty much everything for a long time. In the first few weeks of Leo's life, hormonal craziness and chaos were normal and to be expected. Then I didn't care about much because I was so happy being a mom -just like when I was pregnant. Bliss was all around. Now I am thinking that my not caring is due to something close to depression. I just... don't. care. It's like there's a flat line in my brain. I am not interested in anything -I don't plan for the future, I don't make lists, I don't read, I don't care about baths. I know, this sounds nerdy and superficial, but before Leo was born those were the things that made me happy! My marriage, work, and friendships suffer. And... well, I do care (yay!). I know what I need. I need SLEEP. Big time.
But there's just one problem: Leo won't sleep. Last night he was up from 10-130 and then again from 4-5. The night before he was up from 3-5. During this time he's tired but I can't make him fall asleep. I rock and rock. And rock. And rock. And think that really, I must do sleep training again. But of course there's always something: developmental milestone, teething, a cold, a trip to France, teething again, another cold, and then he stands up in his crib and I don't know how to approach sleep training - mostly because he tries to stand up on his own, which means he doesn't hold on to the crib and falls backward. The mom whose baby shares a nanny with us told me to just start "ferberizing" him tonight. So we might.
I really do need to sleep. I need to find a piece of the old me. I don't want to be the "old" me: I have changed and acknowledge that. I just need to be able to care again, to focus, to be a good mom/wife/friend/employee. I'll let you know how that goes. Stay tuned for yet another post on sleep!
2 comments:
Oh girlfriend, I'm sorry. Don't worry about complaining though! It's your blog and I like reading it regardless! I understand what you're saying about there always being "something" - teething, colds, travel, etc. I know you guys will figure out something that works for all 3 of you - I'm just sorry it's taking awhile and frustrating!
Oliver has been waking up SUPER early everyday! I know that isn't the same as waking in the middle of the night, but this 5:45 - 6:15am thing isn't doing it for me and I can't figure it out either. I guess parenthood really helps make us experts in problem solving skill building, huh?!
Excited to see you in a few weeks...
Sleep deprivation really is tough. I didn't realize that until I experienced it and yeah, it's emotionally, physically and mentally draining, so it's no wonder that you have no energy to care. I'm sure you want to punch me for saying this, but it won't last forever. Still, I hope he sleeps through the night very soon, for your sake!
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