I wrote this post, published it, and took it back. I'm hesitant to talk about the topic of motherhood because, well, I am now a mother and I don't want anyone to think that I regret being one or that I'd rather do something else with my life. I love being a mom. I love Leo. I am just... not 100% mother -who is, right? I just hope this post is not misunderstood. Anyway, I decided to publish after all, so here goes:
Joe was cut out to be a dad. He wanted to be a dad before he was 30. When we were talking about my trip to Africa, we had a deal that I would stop birth control after I came back -he was already 30 when I left. He has always wanted children. And boy, he was not joking. He's been such a great dad. He would be a great stay-at-home dad. He takes pleasure in every little thing Léo does, doesn't stress about Léo's upbringing, and you can tell on his face that he just loves every minute he spends with his son.
Me? Not so much. Don't get me wrong. I love Léo with all my heart and soul. I would do anything for him. I could cry I love him so much. However, I was not exactly the happiest person on earth when that test came back positive. I had big plans for my life -a year in Cambodia, maybe going back to school. (Léo, if you read that one day, know that I had doubt for all of 2 weeks before embracing pregnancy. Don't you dare use it as an excuse to be a pain in the butt, punk!). Needless to say, those plans are on hold indefinitely. I am now focused on being a good mom. That being said, I don't feel that I could be a good stay-at-home mom. Sometimes I even wonder whether I am cut to be a mother, period. There, I said it. As much as I want to spend more time with my boy, I am not sure I would be the best person to raise him 100% of the time. This might be due to the fact that I always question myself and the way I raise him. That's tiring. Knowing that other people are taking care of him during the day allows me to take a breather and not make my brain smoke because of too many questions. I don't necessarily enjoy working and I feel that being a SAHM would allow me that: to not work anymore. Gasp! The main reason I want to stay home has nothing to do with the pull I feel to be a good mother. That's why the best option right now would be to work part time: I would have time for my career, would not question my decisions with Léo all the time, yet I would spend more time with Léo. I think I'd like to spend all my time with him when he's a bit older. I probably will feel better about my choices once he and I can communicate better. I know questioning oneself is parenthood 101, but right now I couldn't handle always thinking that I am not good enough for him. I'm happy to let other people be good enough. I'll take over in a little while...
3 comments:
Hey Johanna, my sentiments exactly! I would like to have more time at home with the kids. At the same time, I am NOT the right person to care for the kids all day and all night. My patience is absolutely not what the kids need it to be, at this point. I cannot engage them in activity and speak to them in sing-songy, high-pitched tones all morning and afternoon like the nursery school and pre-school teachers do for them. I would have an overwhelming feeling of wasting time and money if I didn't work outside of the home. That said, I'm not exactly career obsessed either. In a perfect world, I could work part-time. Maybe one day :). Good luck with your struggle - it changes from day to day, week to week, eh? - and know you're not alone.
I have heard that it's a lot more fun to stay home when the babes are a bit older. There is just more to do, more they can enjoy and of course the communication piece is huge! I think every mom probably feels the pull between her needs/her 'old' self and her new role as a mom. If they don't they're not human! But I also think it's beneficial for you and baby to be around other people, that other people can take care of him too. *Gulp. It's hard to realize that though.
Ah, The enternal struggle. I also don't think I'd be the best 100% SAHM *gasp*. Does that make me a bad mother? Maybe in some people's eyes, but like they say, "Happy Mama, Happy Household". Finding that balance and being ok with the decisions that you have made will be the only things that keep you sane. In an ideal world, the US would adopt a European-style of parenting (work leave, family leave, flexibility in the workplace, etc.), but until then we must find what works best for us. Léo couldn't have asked for a better Mom!
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