This first part was written yesterday.
It's snowing today. It snowed yesterday, too. The nanny came over yesterday (oh, how posh I sound saying that!) but today we didn't call her so I'm at home with Léo. The office has been closed for 2 days. I didn't know that yesterday so I worked, but today I am not pushing it. As a matter of fact I've only checked my emails and worked during Léo's naps (he's taking one right now). I'm sure the other office in DC is annoyed that we are not working right now -because it takes a snowmageddon of epic proportions for them not to go to the office (and then they just work from home). Ah, the joy of being a workaholic...!
It's quite hard to know what to do with Léo -well he's fine but I don't know what to do with myself! We can't go downtown because the monorail doesn't work -I'm not going to walk 1.5 miles in the cold. We can't play in the snow because he doesn't have waterproof clothes -he's just getting out of a string of colds that lasted 2 months and I'd rather keep him healthy thankyouverymuch. Obviously we can't drive to Target or to friends' houses. We could walk the 100 yards to the Pacific Science Center but it's closed as well... So I'm letting him do whatever he wants to do today -playing with toilet paper rolls, flushing 105 times in a row, knocking down block tower after block tower, etc. For some reason he can't play alone when I'm here and either he needs me right by him or he wants to be in my arms. I LOVE the fact that he's so cuddly but come on little dude, a little independence doesn't hurt! I'm contemplating sticking him in front of Wonderpets when he wakes up... Baaad mama! Oh he's up, after a short one hour nap. That bring us to sleep. I'll write about that later.
Ok, skip to one day later.
The night was rough. He went to bed at 845pm because he took an hour nap from 430-530. Then he was up at midnight. Instead of being up for his usual hour and a half, he didn't go back to bed until 245am. Then he woke up at 6 and fell back asleep at 630, until 8. Needless to say, sleep is not better. We saw a sleep specialist -doctor, not consultant- who said that if he learns to fall asleep on his own he should also be able to fall back asleep during the night. Problem is: he knows how to fall asleep on his own when he first goes to bed. During the night, though, we need to rock him. We could do Ferber and let him cry but it would take longer than 90' to put him back to sleep AND he would cry during that whole time (I know, we did Ferber during the night a month ago and he cried for up to 2 hours). I am so tired, and so angry. I cuss at God in the middle of the night (better be mad at him than at my baby, though I am sometimes so frustrated I leave him in the crib and go back to my room for a while).
We're weaning him right now, trying to get rid of the 12-2am feeding. It's tough. He doesn't take a pacifier anymore and doesn't suck his thumb. He doesn't want a lovey either. He just wants me to rock him. Not Joe. Me. I... Sometimes I feel like dropping a hammer on my foot or knocking my head against a wall to relieve the frustration. I'm so so tired and, well that's it. Just tired.
I want to avoid Ferber again because I HATE hearing him cry. I know ALL moms who did Ferber hated to hear their babies cry. I'm just not good with it and not consistent. But I know it's the right thing to do. Well, I don't know if it's the right thing to do anymore because the sleep specialist said Ferber usually stops working when kids turn 9 months old, so for us it could be now or never. I just don't know. I so wish he could learn on his own without having to cry and cry. I know he needs sleep. He always looks tired -though he's always happy. At this point I just don't know. I just feel like crying and letting someone else figure it out. I've tried. I've failed. And failed. And failed. It's getting old.
We just need to find a solution before the end of February because (third topic!) I'm going to Vietnam for 10 days with work! I don't know how I'm going to spend 10 days away from Léo. The most I have spent away from him is 2-3 hours for date night, and he was asleep! I volunteered for that trip and am really excited to go but I don't know how it's going to go. I go boinkers when Joe is gone for 3 days but he feels quite ok about it all. He's going to spend a week here and another one with his family in OC. I pray that it all goes well.
Heck, maybe Joe can do Ferber while I'm gone. Ha. Geeenius.
Ok, that was a big update. I'm going to go back to watch the snow fall. Oh, and work.
2 comments:
Oh my. I'm so sorry. I feel your frustration! Ugh. It's so maddening when you're doing everything right - reading books, consulting doctors, trying every method out there and it isn't working! As I've shared, Oliver slept well at night, but the daytime! Dear God in Heaven. Those blue eyes were wide open all day long! No naps at all! And it's worse when you get the mom judgement about why they're not sleeping (hopefully you're not getting any of that)! Ugh. Perhaps you're raising a strong-will little man? I'm serious. I look back on certain behaviours Oliver had and I see that it's simply his personality - to go against the grain and do things when he wants to do them. It (still) drives me nuts but I wonder if in the long-run he'll be less of a follower, less likely to succumb to peer pressure, etc. etc. I know that's a big stretch but it encourages me to think about it when he's not doing what every book seems to tell me he should be doing!
How exciting you're going to Vietnam! I hope it's a fruitful trip and you take lots of photos! Is it for a grant?
Oh Johanna, I feel so bad you are going through this and I didn't know how bad it was. And I feel worse that I keep rescheduling our time to hang out, when what you really need is a friend to talk to. I know how HARD it is to hear your baby cry, how frustrated and exhausted you must feel and I wish I could help in some way. I have cussed at God too in the last 9 months, and while not proud of it, it is better than cussing at or taking frustration out on your baby! I am wondering if Leo will figure out how to sleep without you rocking him while you're in Vietnam, since that won't be an option. I will start praying for you more sister!
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