Resolutions... Fail!

Well, I have pretty much failed at updating my blog often... though really I think about it all the time!

I'll update soon with a summary of the IF Gathering and my trip to Cambodia (I'm currently sitting in the airport waiting for my flight there). One day I'll be better at blogging...

Community Building

One of my new year resolutions is to intentionally find or create a community of like-minded people here in my neighborhood. And I'm slowly working on it!


I am still meeting with some French moms (I am hosting a book club in March) and going to a new book club in February. But the best part is that I now belong to a group of young moms who will meet on Feb 7-8 to watch the IF: Gathering, held in Austin and organized by Jen Hatmaker, Jennie Allen, and other really intelligent progressive Christian women. The premise of the meeting is "If god exists, then what?" What does it mean for our life, what is God's call in our life? How do we fit our lives into God's plan? I'm so happy to have found this group and hope this will be the beginning of great friendships. 
So prayer answered!! I'm quite scared of meeting new people, but so grateful to have the opportunity to be part of this community -French moms, book lovers, and progressive Christian moms. 

My time in the DRC (the Never Again post!)

I traveled to Bukavu, in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, 5 years ago to be a volunteer in a hospital that has a special program caring for victims/survivors of sexual assault. I was to be there 4 months but because of administrative complications, I stayed in Nairobi (Kenya) for 2 months before going to Bukavu and staying there for the remaining 2 months. I did volunteer at the hospital. I saw the women and their children, interacted with the staff, visited the region a bit, went to UN parties... and I would never do that again!

There is a huge need there of course. Children are malnourished, civil war (and war with neighboring countries) is ongoing, sexual assault is used more than ever by civilians and armed forces alike. But... the Congolese don't need short-term volunteers.  They need long-term, committed and compassionate people -that excludes most UN peace keepers, believe me. I feel guilty every time I think of my trip there. I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't know the language, I didn't know how to interact with the population. I was clueless and fortunately didn't end up doing harm (but maybe I did?) but as sure as heck didn't do any good either.

Unless one has a history in the region -maybe was born there, knows people there, knows the language, culture, and context- one shouldn't plan on volunteering in this type of environments (or in any type of humanitarian / development setting) unless that commitment is for the long term. Mine was not. Mine was born of a desire to "go to the field," to strengthen my resume, to be in a place where I was in the middle of the action. Boy was I wrong -both in my assumptions and in my going there in the first place. I seriously feel a tremendous amount of guilt every time I think of this trip. I cringe when I talk about my time there. Sure, I learnt a great deal about the culture and the context -but at whose expense? I think Congolese people are fed up with white people trying to help, coming and going as their careers bring them to the DRC and take them away before any change happens. They're even fed up with peace keepers prying on their daughters (peace for sex? Please!), with NGO workers whose simple presence increases the price of every day goods, including rent and groceries, and with the situation not ever changing for the best. I would be fed up and even angry if I were from there. And I contributed to the problem with my short stint there.

I know better now. I will discourage anyone from going to this type of environment for a very short time -maybe go with Habitat in a peaceful context, but make sure your actions will not cause harm. I will not go anywhere on my own again -I could be seconded with my work but I know I'll be surrounded by professionals and I'll have a clear mandate. And I will donate to the hospital instead of thinking that my presence and skills (especially 5 years ago!) will make a difference.

2013 Recap

Happy New Year friends. May 2014 bring you joy and peace.

So, it's time to recap 2013. I saw this post on the Rage Against the Minivan -who got it herself from All and Sundry. What a great way to sum up the year! Here goes:

1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?

Hmmm, nothing really! Well, I started working from home full time, and that I had never done before. But nothing adventurous!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?


Ha. Haha. Hahahaha. Nope, I didn't. I don't even know what my resolutions were last year. Ok, so I went back to my blog post from last January and those were my resolutions: be kinder to the dogs (nope), eat healthier (um, nope, nope, nope), save money (uh, nope), smile more (maybe). 

This year I do have resolutions: love my body, whatever shape or weight it is, intentionally find or create a community, update this blog weekly, and make Léo bilingual. At work, read and learn more about child protection, best practices, and be better at my job -which I still love!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?


YES! My friends Karen and Perry welcomed sweet Aiden in July and my friend Jen gave birth in August to her beautiful Julia. 

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes, unfortunately. Joe's cousin, Todd, died in October.

5. What countries did you visit?

El Salvador, Germany, Honduras. 2 of those were new!

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?

Time - to silence my mind and pray, to plan and dream, to write.

7. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

May 10th - my dad got married to Alexandra. May 31st - we left Seattle and moved to California.

December 5 - Nelson Mandela died.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?


- I thought working from home would be more difficult, but I am an introvert and not being around people works for me -though I do miss my friends greatly. So that was good. 

- Also I survived HEAT (Hostile Environment Awareness Training) - a hard core training for work- and made great friends there. As in lasting friendships. Really good!

- Finally I met with French moms. I do not like meeting new people but I went to 3/4 events this year with French moms. Yay me.

9. What was your biggest failure?

No big failure, fortunately. I need to be more patient with Léo but I wouldn't say my parenting was a failure. Ah yes. I didn't speak French to Léo. And I was not patient with my mom at all -I actually ended up being quite annoyed at her and angry. That is a big failure, right there. 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

No, thankfully.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A new car! It's good because I don't feel trapped at home but I walk close to zero yard a day now. Quite disappointing.

12. Where did most of your money go?

Taxes, trip to Europe, move, car. Too many trips to Target. 

13. What did you get really excited about?

Our move! Lots of sunshine!! Lots of time with family. And spending time with my family in France as well as 2 days in Paris with Joe and Léo. The best. I miss Paris.

14. What song will always remind you of 2013?

Sadly, Blurred Lines -because it's Léo's dance party song. 

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:


– happier or sadder? Happier thanks to the sunshine. Sadder because I have fewer friends close by. Definitely happier because I see family a lot. Happier because my marriage is stronger. Sadder because I don't have a spiritual community. Overall HAPPIER!

– thinner or fatter? Uh, fatter damnit.
– richer or poorer? Poorer. But not poor, poor. Just not as much money as last year -but it's all right.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?


I wish I had journaled more. It's obvious from this recap exercise I don't remember much of what happened this past year!! I wish I had been focused on the present more: I think of personal stuff at work, I don't focus on Léo when he asks me to play because racing cars and planes all day is a bit tiring, I just go through days like a robot. I wish I had been more mindful of the daily joys of the past year -there were many.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?


Less TV for sure. 

18. How did you spend Christmas?

With family at Joe's parents (night of the 24th) and Joe's sister (day of the 25th). It was great.

19. What was your favorite TV program?

Oh, so many! I am addicted to TV shows!! Masters of Sex, Sherlock, Call the Midwife, Games of Throne, Ray Donovan, Dexter, and Spiral.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

Oh so many, too! Behind the Beautiful Forevers was really interesting. Carry On Warriors was touching and hilarious. The Light Between Oceans was beautiful and heartbreaking. Quiet allowed me to identify as an introvert and feel less weird!

21. What was your favorite music from this year?


I'm a bit of a dork but I loved "Mirrors" from Justin Timberlake. I also discovered The Civil Wars band and love them -and their station on Pandora.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

I catch up with French movies quite late and this year I loved Polisse and The Intouchables. Excellent movies.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I don't think we did much, actually. I turned 33. 

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Being healthier would have been better -financially, physically, even emotionally. But overall it was a pretty good and satisfying year!

Oh, feeling more competent at work would definitely have made my work life more satisfying! I'll work on that next year.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?

Sweat pants, long skirts, comfy sweaters. I wouldn't call this fashion, really!

26. What kept you sane?

Seeing family so much, Léo's laughter, friends at and outside of work, BBC podcasts, Netflix streaming. And reading again. For a while I couldn't focus enough to read but I read a lot this year -and I love it!

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.


The main thing is that I am the one in charge of my happiness. I cannot expect others to make me happy or resent people when I feel frustrated. Also one of my main defense mechanisms is to forget bad stuff -but that means I forget a lot of the good, too. I tend to live on the surface a lot -in order not to feel too much. I don't know how to fight this because I have been doing that for years. Maybe writing on this blog more often will help me stay grounded.

Cause or symptom - Reflection on Newtown

On Saturday the US will sadly celebrate the first anniversary of the Newtown's Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre. 6 adults gunned down. 20 children, all in first grade, killed. Can you imagine leaving your child in the morning in school, a safe place, and hearing later on that they were killed in such a scary and gruesome fashion? There are no words.

Since then the US hasn't made any progress to either deal with gun violence of finding better ways to treat people with serious mental health issues. People who love their guns cling to the idea that they need to protect themselves and people who don't like government-led healthcare cling to the idea that they shouldn't pay for something that is not affecting them. And once again, I see something that is really disturbing: we'd rather deal with symptoms, with consequences, than do the hard work of finding causes for issues and dealing with those. So instead of working on the cause of gun violence (poverty, availability of arms) people buy more guns to protect themselves in case they're attacked. Instead of working on the cause of mental illnesses, whatever they are, we load people with medications that may effectively help in some cases, but might leave people even more lonely and dangerous in other cases. And mind you, I see this too in my work: we deal with AIDS by telling donors we are working with orphans and widows (well I know we're actually working HARD to decrease maternal transmission of the virus and teaching people about safe sex. I'm mostly talking about what people care about, what they give money to), we get money when we talk about trafficking rescues, not when when we talk about prevention. It's always the same: dealing with consequences -with the symptoms of the issue- instead of taking time to examine the root cause of issues and actually decreasing the issue in the first place.

So as we talk about Newton, I know that we will weep and grieve... and go back to our ways of thinking. I'll hug my baby closer. Some people will hug their rifle closer. Sad, sad world.

An update, at last!

I am finally updating this blog. I think about updating it all the time and then never find time to do so! So this will be a bunch of miscellaneous items!

First, I was in Honduras with work last week when I read on the TV in front of the workshop room that Nelson Mandela has died. Very maturely I broke down crying. You see, I have always known about Mandela. I have always admired him. My mom talked to me about him when I was 7-8. I was a huge fan of Johnny Clegg when I was 9-10 and even attended one of his concerts with my father -and his main song advocated for the release of Mandela. I cried for joy when he was freed, rejoiced when he was elected president (and those images of long lines of people waiting to vote for the first time in their lives is the reason why I will always vote if I have the right to, because others still can't today), and then I cried again when the South African team won the World Cup of rugby the year after. And since then I have followed his life from afar, knowing he would eventually die but hoping this day would not come too soon. Well it has, and it was heartbreaking. Oh Madiba... He was a man of profound political convictions (violent at first, peaceful later on) and political intelligence. He was a man of peace and reconciliation. I know that he had short-fallings as president -the way he didn't really deal with AIDS, the way reconciliation sometimes meant obliged forgiveness, the way established quotas were not that good for the economy- but everyone expected so much from him. He became an icon. And today we -I- remember him as a man who was able to unite a country and the world around peace and freedom. What a great, great loss.

Now I am back home. Work has been really busy lately. Home life has been equally crazy! That means I haven't made friends here yet. I have a great friends in Orange Country but we rarely see each other. I want friends. I miss my friends from Seattle dearly. I am craving close friendships... but I don't want to meet new people. I am a member of 2 Meetup groups who cater to French families. I went to a dinner with the group 2 days ago and there were maybe 112 adults there. I just wanted to hide in the bathroom or leave. Uh I am so uncomfortable meeting new people. So I focused on a couple of persons, the woman sitting to my right and her husband. Fortunately, the French are usually good at talking about serious topics. I suck at small talk. Suuu-uuuck. So we talked about nice, serious things, but man... I was glad to leave! I am so much more comfortable surrounded by Joe's family members because they're awesome and I love them, but they're not "friends" per se. I feel getting to know people might be difficult for my introverted self, but I'm going to try anyway.

One good way to find friends would be through church. Ah yes... I haven't found time to look for a church here. And I am a bit stuck -like I was in Seattle for, oh, 5 years before I found my church- because I want to go to a Catholic church but want the kind of small groups and relationships that is found in Protestant churches. So in the meantime... I don't go to church. I have to start "church shopping" pronto. But even my Catholic church in Seattle, which was great and diverse and welcoming and so focused on social justice issues didn't have small groups. And I want small groups. I want to grow in my spiritual walk. Then again I say that now but maybe finding the time to meet would be too much for my schedule. I just need to make time and go for it.

That being said, making time for friends / groups is great but I haven't even made time for a date night in months. And we live 50 minutes away from Joe's family... and we see them almost every weekend! You'd think a date night would be an easy thing to schedule, and you'd be wrong. I need a date night. Stat.

Finally, Leo has been a joy lately. He's talking non stop -mainly about Cars (the movie) and how fast he is and how he wants to race everyone. He cannot pronounce "F" and says "P" instead. So he's "paster than past!" He still says his name is Eelo. That's the only "L" sound he pronounces, though, as his "L" still sounds like "W" as is awwegaytow. His "K" sounds like "T" so he eats "tooties." And his French is sadly limited -that should be better when he (hopefully) goes to a French school next year. He is working on intonation and when he asks a question he has this very cute high voice. He is cuddly and funny. I feel I need to be stricter on some areas of our lives (sitting down and eating dinners, the amount of TV we watch, the candies he's eating, the toys he wants to buy and usually gets, etc). Ah motherhood. I love it and at times I really just want my old life back. Lucky I'm learning to be a good mom with the best little boy I could have wished for. He is my world and my sunshine.

So that's about it for now... I will commit to updating this blog more in 2014 (one of the resolutions I know I will make!).

Letter to my son on Obamacare

My love,

You may learn in a few years in a History class or on the news that in 2013 the government of the United States shut down and was almost unable to pay its debts because of a standoff between the two main party lines, the Democrats and Republicans. This standoff comes from the refusal from the Republicans to implement the Obamacare –a law actually called “The Affordable HealthCare Act” and upheld by the Supreme Court. Hopefully by the time you learn about it, this law will be the norm –and not combatted as it is now. Hopefully by the time you are an adult, people who fought Obamacare will be seen as we see people who opposed birth control and marriage between people of different colors (come to think of it, they’re probably the same if they’re over 50): bigots who wish they could go back to the “golden age” of America, which is probably around 1860 when women were not given a voice and cowboys ruled the land.

Leo, I wish you a lifetime of happiness and health, but God forbid, should you need to go the emergency room or should you have a serious illness, you won’t think twice about how this health issue will affect your budget –because it won’t. You won’t have to pay $100,000 to go through gruesome chemo. You won’t have to sell your home and claim bankruptcy because you’ve been shot randomly (let’s not even talk about the gun debate in the US). Your wife, if you have one, won’t have to carefully budget the birth of your child. You won’t think of healthcare as a financial risk. 

Right now, people do. I do. I think of our next child and fret at the idea of spending another $3,000 on delivery –that’s what we paid for you, and, my love, I had such an easy labor. I think of how much a cavity or physical therapy for your eyes could cost us. I think of all the people who cannot afford their treatment right now or don’t go to the doctor because they’re afraid of how much that will cost –and end up with more issues, sometimes death, because something preventable is now happening.

And I wish things were different. I wish people who claim they believe in a Christ of love and compassion would accept to pay a bit more to help others (and I mean anyone, not people you choose to help, such as your friends or your church. Real support for the poor and the needy doesn't include choice of beneficiary). I wish these same people would stop considering that the poor are lazy and living off their hard earned money –the poor, who sometimes work 2 full time jobs and cannot afford healthcare or child care or a decent apartment. I wish they would stop being afraid of “socialist” countries such as Canada, France, and the UK, and realize that living in harmony means sacrificing a bit of your wealth for the happiness of all. I wish people would stop being afraid of taxes –in France I paid about 40% of taxes; here your dad and I pay 37% and we have way fewer benefits. 

I hope and pray that in 20 years, when you are about to be independent and find a job you will worry about whom to date and where to live, not how you’re going to pay for your next doctor’s bill. I wish the political divisions that plague this country will be gone and, though political differences will exist forever, these differences won’t be a matter of life and death for other people –those we don’t listen to, those we prefer to judge and not help. 

I am so tired of this fight. I am tired of ignorance, bigotry, and selfishness. And I hope that the USA will be a country in which you will thrive and enjoy life to the fullest. If not… there will always be France!

Love,

Your socialist mama