Well that was a tough transition -and Happy 2015!

Happy new year!!

I went back to work a month and a half ago and man... that was tough. Organization-wise, we pretty much sucked. We had a nanny for a bit but she's so awesome she got a job and left (fortunately she's now a great friend), and the nanny who replaced her was not available all the time because of previous commitments or illness. So I had to take time off a few weeks after being back already, which was not the plan. Jude's daycare will open full time next week, so this right there should make our lives easier.

Work itself has been rough. I can't really focus or understand very deep conversations. My brain goes blank a few times a day. It's quite annoying. Also, one single project has now become my main priority -I'll spend 70% of my time managing it. Overall I still love my job and my team but my motivation is not quite back to what it was pre-Jude. I'm a bit over it right now.

Good news: my brother and his girlfriend have been here since Christmas Day. They're staying until January 12th, which gives us a lot of time to hang out and talk. I love this time together. Last time we saw each other was in May 2013. Too long without seeing my favorite person in the world -the 3 boys in my house excluded.

I'm enjoying the last days of vacation with everyone. I hope you had a great holiday season!

Going back to work

I am going back to work in one week. Jude will be 2 months and 2 weeks old. I am so conflicted about this. One the one hand, I love my job yes (well, right now I'd be inclined to say I like my job, but I'm a bit bitter). On the other, I am so in love with my baby that it pains me to leave him. I went back to work with Léo when he was 3 months and 3 weeks. My mother-in-law flew to Seattle the first week to take care of him, so he went to daycare when he was 4 months old, which at the time seemed young, too. This time around, the daycare we have chosen is not yet licensed, so we're going to hire a nanny until the infant room opens. This was cause for stress, but now that we've almost secured a nanny I want the State to take a loooong time to visit and license the daycare facility. I am so so happy to know that Jude can stay home with me for a bit longer. I just want to hold him and see him smile. Also I know what I'm doing (kinda) with him and I feel like writing a 10-page instruction manual to his care-givers. With Léo, it was more "please raise him for me because I have no clue how to raise a human being." It's different with Jude obviously because now I know what I'd do if I didn't have to go back to work, in terms of talking to him in French, carrying him (because it's nice and because of his flat head... which I'll talk about in another post), and just experiencing his growth.

It's so bittersweet. I am quite upset at the lack of paid leave in the country. It's ridiculous that I had to forego vacation for more than a year to have a decent "maternity"leave. This time around I really feel like I'm letting someone else raise my child. I am so heartbroken. I know he'll do fine and he'll know I'm his mama no matter what, but I also know I am trusting other people with Jude's development and it's a bit hard for me to accept this time around.

So I have one more week of talking to him In French and making him smile (for the 20 minutes he's awake between feedings!), of holding him close and smelling his soft hair. I can do that in the evening when I come home, I know that. I can also see the 2nd or 3rd (or 101st) time he does something if I miss the 1st. It's just that I know what I am missing now and it's hard to leave him, so young, to someone else.

That being said, I'm glad someone else will be getting puked on 5 times a day. Let's see the positive here, ha!

Anyway... One more week and I'm back at work. We'll see how it goes!

Talking to Jude

I have never felt comfortable talking to Léo or Jude. I don't know what to tell them. I end up saying "Hi baby!" 103 times in a row. But last week I read this blog post and it clicked! Talk to your baby not to increase their vocabulary but to tell them what is happening to them before or as things happen. That has helped tremendously. I still say "Hi baby!" too much, but I also make sure I talk to Jude as a human who deserves to know what is happening around him, not a mere participant in my life.

(I know the site is affiliated with the RIE method, which stands for Resources for Infant Educarers. I haven't read much about that because I don't want to feel like a failure for not following such and such method.)

Loving two children: same but different

I was wondering how it would be to love two children. While pregnant, I knew I loved Jude but it was nothing compared to what I felt for Leo. Actually I didn't feel as close to Jude as I did with Leo, even while pregnant. It's probably because I was so busy with life and Leo and didn't spend every waking second thinking of the baby growing inside me. It all changed when Jude was born of course. Well,  a few days after he was born!

As with Leo, I didn't feel much for the baby right away. With Leo people said "aren't you loving him so much?" and I didn't know how to answer because, well, no I didn't. I mean I did. He was my child, but he was also a stranger. Sane with Jude -with the added "bonus" of major guilt over having to share my heart, time, and arms between the two children. Actually on the first day I only held Jude when we were alone, not in front of Leo. Joe was a bit afraid I would reject the baby. I was just cold.

And then, as with Leo, the overwhelming feeling of love came. I was dealing with quite a bit of hormonal craziness with Leo, so my love for him was a bit too much. I cried and cried because I just loved him so much and was afraid to mess him up somehow. I held him a lot. I cuddled him all the time. And I had plenty of time to "bond" at night, since he didn't sleep much for the first few weeks. It was really intense love. It was different with Jude. After a day or two, I just... loved him. A deep and strong love. So deep and so strong. But this time I am level headed, Jude sleeps well at night, and he doesn't like to be held that much (how different they already are!). There is no freak out about my love for him or my fear to mess him up (I will mess him up somehow and it's ok!).

(By the way, the guilt I felt about sharing was gone in about a week. I thought I'd have a lot to say about that, but no. It just went away in a snap)

I love them both to a level that words can't express. They are my life. But the love I have for them feels different. It is not different in intensity (both are 20 on a scale from 1 to 10) but in how I think about that love. I don't know if that makes much sense. In a way I feel my love for Leo was all over the place and my love for Jude is very steady, almost calm. Might have to do with hormones!

I'm just so happy to love these two little guys. And I'm happier to see who they are, how they will interact, who they will become.

Transitions

Ah, I wish I had a great blog post telling you about my 10 tips to ease transition from one child to two, but for that you'll have to go on Pinterest. Let's be honest: it has been a bit chaotic at home lately. Léo is having a difficult time with his new school and Jude's arrival. Latest example: last night and this morning. He came to our bed at about 4:30, right as I was done feeding Jude (and cleaning us up. Little man has major reflux). Léo told me that he wanted his car blanket back -the one I put under Jude's rocker material. I told him that was not possible and he screamed and cried "I don't want Jude to have any of my blankets." Ah yes, it is starting. Then this morning he screamed and cried because he didn't want to go to school. And during the day he screams and cries (really screams -high pitched and loud) about a lot of things: wanting to go to the pumpkin patch NOW, wanting yet another toy, not wanting to eat, etc. It's been rough to be collected and answer like an adult (I have heard myself say "FINE!" like a teenager. Not my finest moment). It's also been tough to find a balance between respecting his feelings and saying no, once and for all, on any given issue. I'm reading Siblings Without Rivalry and hopefully that'll help some. I just think it's been a lot all at once and it's hard for a 3-year old to process. And it's hard also to be in class and understand nothing of what the teacher says. Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa on that one.

Hopefully in a few months I'll have that 10 tips blog post. In the meantime... I'm trying to find a balance one day at a time!

Mothers from abroad - I am featured on a splendid blog!

Check this out -and generally stalk her blog (she is my favorite blogger these days): 24 Surprising Things About Parenting in the United States.

At last an update!

It's been too long. Way too long! An update is in order.

JUDE IS BORN! Well that's an update all right. Our little guy was born 3 weeks and 2 days early on August 29th. He's been a delight since. I am quite in love with him. Léo has had to adjust (whole post coming on that one) but overall we're all doing pretty well. A few things:
- I started feeling strong contractions at 3:30am -they woke me up- and gave birth at 6:10am. Yup, fast. And painful. Oh my word, painful. But fast. Yay!
- He eats every 3 hours (4-5 during the night! That didn't happen with Léo and I'm overjoyed, but I am not controlling anything and am so afraid he's going to start waking up in the middle of the night and stay awake). He's quite a chunky baby now. He went from 19 inches and 6 pounds to 21.5 inches and almost 10 pounds in 3 weeks. I love his baby fat rolls!
- He sleeps the rest of the time. He's just starting to be awake during the day, now at 6 weeks. And he's also starting to resist naps. Awesome.
- He loves his pacifier. He eats super fast (I have a fast flow) so he needs to suck on something. Léo did, too. Pacifier to the rescue! That being said, that thing should have its own circle of hell. It's great when it sticks in his mouth but all hell breaks lose when the thing falls. Oy.
- I love not working. I love my job but I am already really sad that the thought of going back to work in 5 weeks. Jude will only be 2.5 months. Léo was 3.5 months when I went back to work and I thought it was early. Jude will most likely be in daycare for 8-9 hours per day right when he starts being an awesome baby who smiles and cooes. The US and its lack of paid leave... Infuriating.
- Léo did really well the first 2 weeks despite having a brother and starting in a new school all within a few days. But he's having a hard time now. Tantrums galore. That is a bit hard, but understandable. I love my cool a lot, so I apologize a lot. We're all learning here.
- It seems that whenever I start drinking my coffee or eating he wakes up. Uncool, child.
- Speaking of drinking... Wine has returned into my life. Ah, the joy.
- Raising a newborn can be quite lonely. Good thing I am an introvert who loves her books and TV. Still, I wish I could see more people and make new friends (but actually just typing that makes me cringe. I wish I could see my current friends more). Maybe I'll start going to museums during the week. The Baby Bjorn should help (I splurged on the new one that's better for babies' hips).

Léo likes his new school. I love his teacher and am amazed at how fast he learns new French words (he counts to 12 and knows the days of the week). I am so excited about having Jude start in 2 years (already!)

I want to go on 2 date nights before I go back to work. I also want to spend one-on-one time with Léo. I'm planning those events and I'm quite excited.

Finally, I might have another blog or change the name of this one. I need something new that will fit with the phase of life I am in and something that will encourage me to post more. I have a crapload of stuff to say, but I never write. So... blog update / renewal in order soon!

And finally, a few pictures, of course!

Meeting baby Jude.

First time holding his brother.

Ah, proud little man!

Resting with his little brother.

Morning of his first day of class in his new school! That was only 4 days after Jude's birth and he did so well!

First day of school! I was probably as or more nervous than he was.

At one week. Picture courtesy of Incandescent Photos.