Going back to work

I am going back to work in one week. Jude will be 2 months and 2 weeks old. I am so conflicted about this. One the one hand, I love my job yes (well, right now I'd be inclined to say I like my job, but I'm a bit bitter). On the other, I am so in love with my baby that it pains me to leave him. I went back to work with Léo when he was 3 months and 3 weeks. My mother-in-law flew to Seattle the first week to take care of him, so he went to daycare when he was 4 months old, which at the time seemed young, too. This time around, the daycare we have chosen is not yet licensed, so we're going to hire a nanny until the infant room opens. This was cause for stress, but now that we've almost secured a nanny I want the State to take a loooong time to visit and license the daycare facility. I am so so happy to know that Jude can stay home with me for a bit longer. I just want to hold him and see him smile. Also I know what I'm doing (kinda) with him and I feel like writing a 10-page instruction manual to his care-givers. With Léo, it was more "please raise him for me because I have no clue how to raise a human being." It's different with Jude obviously because now I know what I'd do if I didn't have to go back to work, in terms of talking to him in French, carrying him (because it's nice and because of his flat head... which I'll talk about in another post), and just experiencing his growth.

It's so bittersweet. I am quite upset at the lack of paid leave in the country. It's ridiculous that I had to forego vacation for more than a year to have a decent "maternity"leave. This time around I really feel like I'm letting someone else raise my child. I am so heartbroken. I know he'll do fine and he'll know I'm his mama no matter what, but I also know I am trusting other people with Jude's development and it's a bit hard for me to accept this time around.

So I have one more week of talking to him In French and making him smile (for the 20 minutes he's awake between feedings!), of holding him close and smelling his soft hair. I can do that in the evening when I come home, I know that. I can also see the 2nd or 3rd (or 101st) time he does something if I miss the 1st. It's just that I know what I am missing now and it's hard to leave him, so young, to someone else.

That being said, I'm glad someone else will be getting puked on 5 times a day. Let's see the positive here, ha!

Anyway... One more week and I'm back at work. We'll see how it goes!