I was wondering how it would be to love two children. While pregnant, I knew I loved Jude but it was nothing compared to what I felt for Leo. Actually I didn't feel as close to Jude as I did with Leo, even while pregnant. It's probably because I was so busy with life and Leo and didn't spend every waking second thinking of the baby growing inside me. It all changed when Jude was born of course. Well, a few days after he was born!
As with Leo, I didn't feel much for the baby right away. With Leo people said "aren't you loving him so much?" and I didn't know how to answer because, well, no I didn't. I mean I did. He was my child, but he was also a stranger. Sane with Jude -with the added "bonus" of major guilt over having to share my heart, time, and arms between the two children. Actually on the first day I only held Jude when we were alone, not in front of Leo. Joe was a bit afraid I would reject the baby. I was just cold.
And then, as with Leo, the overwhelming feeling of love came. I was dealing with quite a bit of hormonal craziness with Leo, so my love for him was a bit too much. I cried and cried because I just loved him so much and was afraid to mess him up somehow. I held him a lot. I cuddled him all the time. And I had plenty of time to "bond" at night, since he didn't sleep much for the first few weeks. It was really intense love. It was different with Jude. After a day or two, I just... loved him. A deep and strong love. So deep and so strong. But this time I am level headed, Jude sleeps well at night, and he doesn't like to be held that much (how different they already are!). There is no freak out about my love for him or my fear to mess him up (I will mess him up somehow and it's ok!).
(By the way, the guilt I felt about sharing was gone in about a week. I thought I'd have a lot to say about that, but no. It just went away in a snap)
I love them both to a level that words can't express. They are my life. But the love I have for them feels different. It is not different in intensity (both are 20 on a scale from 1 to 10) but in how I think about that love. I don't know if that makes much sense. In a way I feel my love for Leo was all over the place and my love for Jude is very steady, almost calm. Might have to do with hormones!
I'm just so happy to love these two little guys. And I'm happier to see who they are, how they will interact, who they will become.
2 comments:
I love this post! You never read honest posts like this from other mommy bloggers. When we brought Oliver home I kept saying to Tony, "what did we just do to our lives?!!!" He felt like such a little stranger/alien to me! Thankfully, that quickly passed and the bonding happened!
Again, I'm so impressed that you're blogging so much already! It inspires me...I need to get back to my blog. In any case, thanks for sharing this. I felt the same way with Mia...I loved her because she was my baby, but the challenges of having a newborn (and a toddler) didn't make me instantly love who she was, if that makes sense. I also feel like the more history we have with our children and the more they develop personalities, the more intense our love grows. Parenthood is pretty amazing for sure.
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