Cut out to be a (SAH) mother?

First let me wish a happy birthday to my sweet husband. He is such a good life partner and an even greater dad. He loves Léo so much, wants to hold him all the time, never gets impatient, and can make him laugh like no one else can. Happy birthday, my love.

I wrote this post, published it, and took it back. I'm hesitant to talk about the topic of motherhood because, well, I am now a mother and I don't want anyone to think that I regret being one or that I'd rather do something else with my life. I love being a mom. I love Leo. I am just... not 100% mother -who is, right? I just hope this post is not misunderstood. Anyway, I decided to publish after all, so here goes:

Joe was cut out to be a dad. He wanted to be a dad before he was 30. When we were talking about my trip to Africa, we had a deal that I would stop birth control after I came back -he was already 30 when I left. He has always wanted children. And boy, he was not joking. He's been such a great dad. He would be a great stay-at-home dad. He takes pleasure in every little thing Léo does, doesn't stress about Léo's upbringing, and you can tell on his face that he just loves every minute he spends with his son.

Me? Not so much. Don't get me wrong. I love Léo with all my heart and soul. I would do anything for him. I could cry I love him so much. However, I was not exactly the happiest person on earth when that test came back positive. I had big plans for my life -a year in Cambodia, maybe going back to school. (Léo, if you read that one day, know that I had doubt for all of 2 weeks before embracing pregnancy. Don't you dare use it as an excuse to be a pain in the butt, punk!). Needless to say, those plans are on hold indefinitely. I am now focused on being a good mom. That being said, I don't feel that I could be a good stay-at-home mom. Sometimes I even wonder whether I am cut to be a mother, period. There, I said it. As much as I want to spend more time with my boy, I am not sure I would be the best person to raise him 100% of the time. This might be due to the fact that I always question myself and the way I raise him. That's tiring. Knowing that other people are taking care of him during the day allows me to take a breather and not make my brain smoke because of too many questions. I don't necessarily enjoy working and I feel that being a SAHM would allow me that: to not work anymore. Gasp! The main reason I want to stay home has nothing to do with the pull I feel to be a good mother. That's why the best option right now would be to work part time: I would have time for my career, would not question my decisions with Léo all the time, yet I would spend more time with Léo. I think I'd like to spend all my time with him when he's a bit older. I probably will feel better about my choices once he and I can communicate better. I know questioning oneself is parenthood 101, but right now I couldn't handle always thinking that I am not good enough for him. I'm happy to let other people be good enough. I'll take over in a little while...

Someone is rolling over!

Immobility (aka "don't move, mommy will be right back!"), begone! That also means we have to get rid of the swaddle. Oy. He's trying to fall asleep as I type and it's not going too well.

Challenge for the Year

Blog challenge, that is. I created another blog to record this coming year, one photo per day. I am guessing these photos will mostly be shot with my Iphone, so don't expect high quality! I am hoping this blog will become a keepsake for Leo, since I'm guessing the blog will be, oh, 90% focused on him!

It should be an interesting and fun year!

Ask 5 for 5 (and help starving people in the Horn of Africa)

So here is the deal. When something as tragic as the drought in the Horn of Africa hits, it's hard to know what to do. Sarah, whom I mentioned in a previous post, is the brain and inspiration behind a movement that could change and SAVE thousands of lives. Her concept is simple: donate $5 (just $5!) and ask 5 friends to do the same -they donate and ask 5 friends to donate and pass the word, etc. After 9 iterations, the funds raised total about 2 million dollars. Yup, MILLION!

Please, consider donating and telling your friends about this movement. Post it on Facebook or Twitter, write emails, talk about it at work. We have the power to "do something about it."

http://seeyourimpact.org/members/ask5for5/

4 months

Goodness! Léo is already 4 months old. Today was his first full day at day care. He did awesome. I didn't do so well. Fortunately my great friend Lisa dropped her son at the same time and gave me a bear hug while I dried my tears, put on a smile, and wished Léo a good day. He was so tired when I got him back that he fell asleep in the car and only stayed awake for an hour after we got home. So this is how it's going to be from now on... I'll see him a little in the morning, a little in the car (2 hours+ of commute. Poor little guy!) and a little in the evening. Oh and then twice during the night, but that doesn't really count. He will spend between 11 and 12 hours outside of the house every time he goes to day care. I know this is what all working parents have to go through but it is really frustrating. I miss my baby!

Recap of this month:

- His eyes are starting to be green. They're still beautiful.
- He now only blows bubbles as a comfort mechanism, when he's tired or stressed. He doesn't really coo but grunts a bunch.
- He smiles all the time. He laughs a lot, too -mainly at Joe when he makes silly dance moves and when we raise him in the air and bring him down super fast. It's so cute to see him stare at Joe and wait for him to make him laugh. He has hiccups every time he laughs.
- He's great at grabbing stuff and putting everything in his mouth (or his eyes, when he misses his target!). That is true of my face, which he loves to eat (see video after picture). I brag that he likes kissing me, but in reality he might just be hungry. You can see him grab his hand at one point, as if he needed to suck on something. I don't know whether he knows what a kiss is at this point -though I kiss him 10 times per minute so by now he should know what it is!!
- He's discovered the dogs. He loves trying to grab them.
- He almost rolls over from back to front but he doesn't know what to do with his arms so he gets stuck. He hasn't rolled from front to back in ages. This almost rolling over thing is annoying at night when he's swaddled. I think the swaddle days are almost over, unfortunately.
- He drinks from bottles without a problem and wakes up 2 to 3 times per night. He drinks a bit of formula each day so that his stomach gets used to it -though a couple of weeks ago he didn't poop for 11 days, which was a bit scary. Yes, I have become one of those moms who talk about poop shamelessly!
- He's starting to love books. I like reading "I love you through and through" and "Whoever you are."
- He's still super mellow and really easy going.

We love him so much!!!

New Eyes (for East Africa)

Never before had images of starving kids impacted me as much as they do now. Of course now I see with a mother's eyes. What is happening in the Horn of Africa is terrible. More than 30,000 children under 5 may have died. I never know what to do to help when something like this happens -coming from someone who works in development, this might sound strange, but true. Fortunately, Sarah -who is a friend and colleague- wants to do something and will tell us about her plans soon. I will share them here. Babies dying are always tragic, but it's worse when the cause of death can and should be prevented. Seeing images of mothers bringing their dying children to feeding centers is unbearable. I know it's hard to choose which issue to focus on when there is so much injustice in the world. I don't expect everybody to be interested in the famine in Africa. But right now, this is one issue I want to focus on because, as selfish as it sounds, I can relate.

A Few Thoughts About Work

The first week of work after maternity leave has come and gone. It was not as bad as I thought it would be, mainly because Joe and his mom took care of Léo. The hardest part of last week was actually letting go of thinking that I am the only person who knows exactly what Léo needs and being ok with having other people make decisions about his daily activities / sleep schedule. Work was all right. Of course the highlight of the week was seeing my friends again and being able to go by their cubes and chat. The low point was probably realizing that I might be doing this job for a few years.

Indeed, it seems that my supervisors have very clear ideas about who can get promoted. It's not necessarily "who" actually but "what it takes." In my case, 2 years abroad. I don't have that on my resume nor will I in the next few years. This means that at this point my career is at a stand still. This could be ok, but I realized last week that I don't love my job so much that I can stay put for a couple of years. Before going back to work, I gave much consideration to a part time option but decided against it because I thought this schedule would not make me a good candidate for promotion -also because my boss thought PT would not be ideal. Now I realize I am not going to be promoted anyway unless I apply for a job outside of my department. This is annoying. I like having goals and putting plans in place to advance. I feel stuck right now in a job that does pay well but doesn't really fulfill me anymore. I know my main focus needs to be on Léo and not on career at this time -but that makes me question even more the validity of going back full time.

I have always considered myself a driven person. I think I am still driven and ambitious -I say I think because I haven't focused on this topic for a while now. I want a career, but I don't want a job that just pays the bill. I could stay home with Léo -our budget would be tight but we could make it work- so work must/should be meaningful and fulfilling. Working for a humanitarian organization IS meaningful of course, but I somehow need to know that what I do is worth it, that I am leaving Léo in the care of someone else (for a quarter to half of my salary) for a good reason. This might sound whiny. Maybe my thoughts about work are very critical right now because leaving my baby to someone else is not easy and going back to some dreadful aspects of my job really annoyed me this last week.

Of course I won't make any drastic decision for a while. I will not consider any changes until Joe decides what he wants to do about school. I will however be thinking about what an optimal situation would look like -what would make me feel good about the fact that I work and leave Léo to day care- and about steps to achieve that goal. In the meantime, I will be a diligent worker and will look for opportunities to work on projects which I enjoy the most.

Sorry this post is not clearly structured. These thoughts are obviously quite new and I haven't had time to process them completely, if at all. I just needed to share what this week has brought up in terms of priorities and preferences.