The things we need to do

In the next few weeks:
- Introduce Leo to French. I don't even know where to start. Yes, it is my mother tongue, but I haven't taught it to anyone ever, so I don't know how to start with him. Maybe I can just introduce some terms he'll hear at school.
- Tell him he's going to a new school. It's difficult to find a balance between wanting good timing (not too early, not too late) while waiting to make him read by talking about it a lot and speaking French. He's starting in THREE weeks. Oh my word. I'm SO stressed about his first few weeks there. I'm hoping we can visit the school before he starts but they're all on vacation until the 22nd, so I don't know what they're willing to do in the last week of August -I'm sure all teachers will be busy prepping their classrooms. I'll harass them on the 22nd! Ok, maybe the 23rd.
- Talk more about the baby! We need to get going. He obviously knows a brother is coming, but we need to get into the details -hospital stay, what to expect from the baby and the first few weeks, etc.

I feel unprepared!

When my love language and raising a grateful child collide

In the midst of all world tragedies and all that is heavy, let me offer you this first world problem post. (I can't write about the world right now. Too much to say, no adequate words to express feelings).

One of my main love languages is gifts. I don't think I grew up with a lot of gifts when I was very young, but I remember getting gifts for good grades and birthdays, and those gifts were always special. As I grew up, the gifts my parents chose for me and my brother (ok, mostly gifts my mom chose for us because she was the one shopping) were always personal and spot on. To this day, I try to choose gifts that mean something to people to show i know and love them and I do like receiving gifts that correspond to my personality. That makes me feel loved.

So it's no wonder I do the same with Léo. I show my love for him by giving him little gifts all the time. And that has created a huge issue. He expects gifts. He expects a toy when we go to Target. He expects a lollipop when I pick him up from school. And if there is nothing, a huge tantrum ensues. I need to stop that -but it is difficult for me because I need to change the way I show love, and I need to do it in a way that I know will be positive for Léo but that won't bring me as much joy. I know parenting is not about me. It's really about who I want him to be. And I want him to be grateful, to appreciate Joe's and my presence rather than presents ( yeah yeah I read that on Pinterest.... and it stuck), to enjoy the little things in life, etc.

And I need to change the way I do things stat because he's already 3, a new little one is coming who will most likely rock his world for a few months, he's going to change school and hear a new language for 9 hours a day (not a good time to change things in his life). I know he won't remember much about what happened when he was so little. Now is the time. And I mean now, as in this month and next. So August might be challenging for us. For me because I need to learn to express my love in new ways. For him because he's 3 and toys are fun and tantrums easy to throw. Wish us luck!

Choices!

I am quite stressed right now and faced with many choices. Mind you, first world problem choices –all good choices in the end. But I do not like making choices. I really take forever to make any decision in life. I like change in theory but in reality change leaves me exhausted, feeling like I need therapy.

We have had to make three main choices lately: whether Leo’s new school was really a good fit for him, where we’d move (in order to be closer to his new school), and whether to start him in the new school in July or September. I think we have all decisions made, but my heart is still fluttering thinking about the other options and I feel less confident than ever. And I am stressed about all the changes ahead for Léo (in chronological order: new apartment, new school, new language, new brother). I need a nap!

How do you deal with making big decisions in your life?

Wordless Wednesday (Joy!)

A hard week - Links (updated)

Because I cannot talk about this -HR policy and all. I'll let others who write better speak into it, and express some of my thoughts beautifully. All these posts were written after WV reversed the policy they made public on Monday.

When Everyone Gets Wiplash (Neon Fresh).

World Vision, Gay Marriage, and a Different Way Through (Jen Hatmaker)

I Don't Blame World Vision. I Blame Homophobia and Hate (Patheos)

World Vision Update (Rachel Held Evans)

When World Vision Drops Me (Benjamin Moberg)

World Vision's LGBT Problem Comes Out Of the Closet (Edward Carr) - Legalistic look at USAID funding for WV

When Rules and Sanctimony Are More Important Than People (Intellectual Liberation)

Wordless Wednesday (Cambodia)

I'll just add explanations...

Street Kids Center. The little girl at the top is only 2.

Street Kids outreach Activity at night. These children work in the street -but live at home. They're all ages -and love this time of rest and learning.

Interesting tree at the Killing Fields.

Clothes from the dead keep on coming out in the Killing Fields.

Killing Fields.

Killing Fields.

Drinks, anyone? 

Royal Palace.

Royal Palace.

Royal Palace.

View from a community room in one village we visited.

Typical houses.

Mekong.

Ah, coffee!

Plagiarism...

Seeing child labor first hand in Phnom Penh

I'm in Cambodia, traveling for work. In my first two days I have visited a shelter for children survivors of sex trafficking and rape and a center where former street children live. In both cases, these shelter are medium term -12 to 18 months- and children will be reintegrated with their families, in their communities. I have had a hard time dealing with my feelings, or lack thereof, when visiting these centers. I became quite professional, asking the right questions, thinking about theory of change, and not being able to make the connection between what I read about what these children have experienced with them in the shelters. That is quite confusing.

But then yesterday night as my colleague and I were enjoying a drink on the terrace of a restaurant, we saw a little working girls (selling bracelets) pass by. A man followed her and slapped her lightly on the back of the head. I yelped "HEY!" and then stopped myself because what could I say? I don't speak the man's language. The little girl started crying and looking at the man like she wanted to punch him. He just looked at her and at other kids who seemed to be working for him. The girl soon left with 2 of her friends, who were also selling bracelets. My colleague and I just sat and felt so very powerless. What the heck could we do? Tell the man he's an a**shole in a language he doesn't understand? Hug the little girl, who doesn't know me and probably doesn't need this from me? Tell the police, who are corrupted like crazy and wouldn't do anything or actually would harm the child (the government has a "sweeping" policy toward children who sell in the streets and they tend to put these youth in jail cells rather than help them)? It was so tough being confronted with this situation.

I know not to buy from these kids because it encourages trafficking. But what do you do when one of these children is hurt physically and emotionally in front of you? I'm still unsettled about this and feel like I failed somehow as a human and a child protection worker.

This is when I wish I had more practice in this sector. Theory is awesome (more community-based care, change the systems, no direct benefits, etc) but when you're confronted with issues in situ, it's a different story. And since my organization is Christian, shouldn't we follow Christ and do both community strengthening AND perform "miracles" (aka helping people when and where they suffer, even though that's not sustainable in the long term)? Sorry I know this is super programmatic/technical. I'm just feeling so unsettled about this experience, my own lack of experience and knowledge (aka my usual feelings that I am fraud in this job, even though I love it and enjoy it greatly and know in my head that I am doing ok), and my overall feelings about the aid world, its cynicism, and the responsibilities I have during this trip -bunch of project redesigns to talk about and a mid-term evaluation report coming up. SO much to process.

So on one hand I felt super disconnected during my visits to project (one friend said that seeing people in a safe environment is obviously less emotional than seeing them in the situation in which they hurt, which is spot on) and on the other hand I cannot get over yesterday's situation where my job and real life smashed into one another with a bang.

Sorry this is long. I am processing as I am writing. More soon- hopefully less confusing posts!