A hard week - Links (updated)

Because I cannot talk about this -HR policy and all. I'll let others who write better speak into it, and express some of my thoughts beautifully. All these posts were written after WV reversed the policy they made public on Monday.

When Everyone Gets Wiplash (Neon Fresh).

World Vision, Gay Marriage, and a Different Way Through (Jen Hatmaker)

I Don't Blame World Vision. I Blame Homophobia and Hate (Patheos)

World Vision Update (Rachel Held Evans)

When World Vision Drops Me (Benjamin Moberg)

World Vision's LGBT Problem Comes Out Of the Closet (Edward Carr) - Legalistic look at USAID funding for WV

When Rules and Sanctimony Are More Important Than People (Intellectual Liberation)

Wordless Wednesday (Cambodia)

I'll just add explanations...

Street Kids Center. The little girl at the top is only 2.

Street Kids outreach Activity at night. These children work in the street -but live at home. They're all ages -and love this time of rest and learning.

Interesting tree at the Killing Fields.

Clothes from the dead keep on coming out in the Killing Fields.

Killing Fields.

Killing Fields.

Drinks, anyone? 

Royal Palace.

Royal Palace.

Royal Palace.

View from a community room in one village we visited.

Typical houses.

Mekong.

Ah, coffee!

Plagiarism...

Seeing child labor first hand in Phnom Penh

I'm in Cambodia, traveling for work. In my first two days I have visited a shelter for children survivors of sex trafficking and rape and a center where former street children live. In both cases, these shelter are medium term -12 to 18 months- and children will be reintegrated with their families, in their communities. I have had a hard time dealing with my feelings, or lack thereof, when visiting these centers. I became quite professional, asking the right questions, thinking about theory of change, and not being able to make the connection between what I read about what these children have experienced with them in the shelters. That is quite confusing.

But then yesterday night as my colleague and I were enjoying a drink on the terrace of a restaurant, we saw a little working girls (selling bracelets) pass by. A man followed her and slapped her lightly on the back of the head. I yelped "HEY!" and then stopped myself because what could I say? I don't speak the man's language. The little girl started crying and looking at the man like she wanted to punch him. He just looked at her and at other kids who seemed to be working for him. The girl soon left with 2 of her friends, who were also selling bracelets. My colleague and I just sat and felt so very powerless. What the heck could we do? Tell the man he's an a**shole in a language he doesn't understand? Hug the little girl, who doesn't know me and probably doesn't need this from me? Tell the police, who are corrupted like crazy and wouldn't do anything or actually would harm the child (the government has a "sweeping" policy toward children who sell in the streets and they tend to put these youth in jail cells rather than help them)? It was so tough being confronted with this situation.

I know not to buy from these kids because it encourages trafficking. But what do you do when one of these children is hurt physically and emotionally in front of you? I'm still unsettled about this and feel like I failed somehow as a human and a child protection worker.

This is when I wish I had more practice in this sector. Theory is awesome (more community-based care, change the systems, no direct benefits, etc) but when you're confronted with issues in situ, it's a different story. And since my organization is Christian, shouldn't we follow Christ and do both community strengthening AND perform "miracles" (aka helping people when and where they suffer, even though that's not sustainable in the long term)? Sorry I know this is super programmatic/technical. I'm just feeling so unsettled about this experience, my own lack of experience and knowledge (aka my usual feelings that I am fraud in this job, even though I love it and enjoy it greatly and know in my head that I am doing ok), and my overall feelings about the aid world, its cynicism, and the responsibilities I have during this trip -bunch of project redesigns to talk about and a mid-term evaluation report coming up. SO much to process.

So on one hand I felt super disconnected during my visits to project (one friend said that seeing people in a safe environment is obviously less emotional than seeing them in the situation in which they hurt, which is spot on) and on the other hand I cannot get over yesterday's situation where my job and real life smashed into one another with a bang.

Sorry this is long. I am processing as I am writing. More soon- hopefully less confusing posts!

Resolutions... Fail!

Well, I have pretty much failed at updating my blog often... though really I think about it all the time!

I'll update soon with a summary of the IF Gathering and my trip to Cambodia (I'm currently sitting in the airport waiting for my flight there). One day I'll be better at blogging...

Community Building

One of my new year resolutions is to intentionally find or create a community of like-minded people here in my neighborhood. And I'm slowly working on it!


I am still meeting with some French moms (I am hosting a book club in March) and going to a new book club in February. But the best part is that I now belong to a group of young moms who will meet on Feb 7-8 to watch the IF: Gathering, held in Austin and organized by Jen Hatmaker, Jennie Allen, and other really intelligent progressive Christian women. The premise of the meeting is "If god exists, then what?" What does it mean for our life, what is God's call in our life? How do we fit our lives into God's plan? I'm so happy to have found this group and hope this will be the beginning of great friendships. 
So prayer answered!! I'm quite scared of meeting new people, but so grateful to have the opportunity to be part of this community -French moms, book lovers, and progressive Christian moms. 

My time in the DRC (the Never Again post!)

I traveled to Bukavu, in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, 5 years ago to be a volunteer in a hospital that has a special program caring for victims/survivors of sexual assault. I was to be there 4 months but because of administrative complications, I stayed in Nairobi (Kenya) for 2 months before going to Bukavu and staying there for the remaining 2 months. I did volunteer at the hospital. I saw the women and their children, interacted with the staff, visited the region a bit, went to UN parties... and I would never do that again!

There is a huge need there of course. Children are malnourished, civil war (and war with neighboring countries) is ongoing, sexual assault is used more than ever by civilians and armed forces alike. But... the Congolese don't need short-term volunteers.  They need long-term, committed and compassionate people -that excludes most UN peace keepers, believe me. I feel guilty every time I think of my trip there. I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't know the language, I didn't know how to interact with the population. I was clueless and fortunately didn't end up doing harm (but maybe I did?) but as sure as heck didn't do any good either.

Unless one has a history in the region -maybe was born there, knows people there, knows the language, culture, and context- one shouldn't plan on volunteering in this type of environments (or in any type of humanitarian / development setting) unless that commitment is for the long term. Mine was not. Mine was born of a desire to "go to the field," to strengthen my resume, to be in a place where I was in the middle of the action. Boy was I wrong -both in my assumptions and in my going there in the first place. I seriously feel a tremendous amount of guilt every time I think of this trip. I cringe when I talk about my time there. Sure, I learnt a great deal about the culture and the context -but at whose expense? I think Congolese people are fed up with white people trying to help, coming and going as their careers bring them to the DRC and take them away before any change happens. They're even fed up with peace keepers prying on their daughters (peace for sex? Please!), with NGO workers whose simple presence increases the price of every day goods, including rent and groceries, and with the situation not ever changing for the best. I would be fed up and even angry if I were from there. And I contributed to the problem with my short stint there.

I know better now. I will discourage anyone from going to this type of environment for a very short time -maybe go with Habitat in a peaceful context, but make sure your actions will not cause harm. I will not go anywhere on my own again -I could be seconded with my work but I know I'll be surrounded by professionals and I'll have a clear mandate. And I will donate to the hospital instead of thinking that my presence and skills (especially 5 years ago!) will make a difference.

2013 Recap

Happy New Year friends. May 2014 bring you joy and peace.

So, it's time to recap 2013. I saw this post on the Rage Against the Minivan -who got it herself from All and Sundry. What a great way to sum up the year! Here goes:

1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?

Hmmm, nothing really! Well, I started working from home full time, and that I had never done before. But nothing adventurous!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?


Ha. Haha. Hahahaha. Nope, I didn't. I don't even know what my resolutions were last year. Ok, so I went back to my blog post from last January and those were my resolutions: be kinder to the dogs (nope), eat healthier (um, nope, nope, nope), save money (uh, nope), smile more (maybe). 

This year I do have resolutions: love my body, whatever shape or weight it is, intentionally find or create a community, update this blog weekly, and make Léo bilingual. At work, read and learn more about child protection, best practices, and be better at my job -which I still love!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?


YES! My friends Karen and Perry welcomed sweet Aiden in July and my friend Jen gave birth in August to her beautiful Julia. 

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes, unfortunately. Joe's cousin, Todd, died in October.

5. What countries did you visit?

El Salvador, Germany, Honduras. 2 of those were new!

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?

Time - to silence my mind and pray, to plan and dream, to write.

7. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

May 10th - my dad got married to Alexandra. May 31st - we left Seattle and moved to California.

December 5 - Nelson Mandela died.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?


- I thought working from home would be more difficult, but I am an introvert and not being around people works for me -though I do miss my friends greatly. So that was good. 

- Also I survived HEAT (Hostile Environment Awareness Training) - a hard core training for work- and made great friends there. As in lasting friendships. Really good!

- Finally I met with French moms. I do not like meeting new people but I went to 3/4 events this year with French moms. Yay me.

9. What was your biggest failure?

No big failure, fortunately. I need to be more patient with Léo but I wouldn't say my parenting was a failure. Ah yes. I didn't speak French to Léo. And I was not patient with my mom at all -I actually ended up being quite annoyed at her and angry. That is a big failure, right there. 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

No, thankfully.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A new car! It's good because I don't feel trapped at home but I walk close to zero yard a day now. Quite disappointing.

12. Where did most of your money go?

Taxes, trip to Europe, move, car. Too many trips to Target. 

13. What did you get really excited about?

Our move! Lots of sunshine!! Lots of time with family. And spending time with my family in France as well as 2 days in Paris with Joe and Léo. The best. I miss Paris.

14. What song will always remind you of 2013?

Sadly, Blurred Lines -because it's Léo's dance party song. 

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:


– happier or sadder? Happier thanks to the sunshine. Sadder because I have fewer friends close by. Definitely happier because I see family a lot. Happier because my marriage is stronger. Sadder because I don't have a spiritual community. Overall HAPPIER!

– thinner or fatter? Uh, fatter damnit.
– richer or poorer? Poorer. But not poor, poor. Just not as much money as last year -but it's all right.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?


I wish I had journaled more. It's obvious from this recap exercise I don't remember much of what happened this past year!! I wish I had been focused on the present more: I think of personal stuff at work, I don't focus on Léo when he asks me to play because racing cars and planes all day is a bit tiring, I just go through days like a robot. I wish I had been more mindful of the daily joys of the past year -there were many.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?


Less TV for sure. 

18. How did you spend Christmas?

With family at Joe's parents (night of the 24th) and Joe's sister (day of the 25th). It was great.

19. What was your favorite TV program?

Oh, so many! I am addicted to TV shows!! Masters of Sex, Sherlock, Call the Midwife, Games of Throne, Ray Donovan, Dexter, and Spiral.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

Oh so many, too! Behind the Beautiful Forevers was really interesting. Carry On Warriors was touching and hilarious. The Light Between Oceans was beautiful and heartbreaking. Quiet allowed me to identify as an introvert and feel less weird!

21. What was your favorite music from this year?


I'm a bit of a dork but I loved "Mirrors" from Justin Timberlake. I also discovered The Civil Wars band and love them -and their station on Pandora.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

I catch up with French movies quite late and this year I loved Polisse and The Intouchables. Excellent movies.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I don't think we did much, actually. I turned 33. 

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Being healthier would have been better -financially, physically, even emotionally. But overall it was a pretty good and satisfying year!

Oh, feeling more competent at work would definitely have made my work life more satisfying! I'll work on that next year.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?

Sweat pants, long skirts, comfy sweaters. I wouldn't call this fashion, really!

26. What kept you sane?

Seeing family so much, Léo's laughter, friends at and outside of work, BBC podcasts, Netflix streaming. And reading again. For a while I couldn't focus enough to read but I read a lot this year -and I love it!

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.


The main thing is that I am the one in charge of my happiness. I cannot expect others to make me happy or resent people when I feel frustrated. Also one of my main defense mechanisms is to forget bad stuff -but that means I forget a lot of the good, too. I tend to live on the surface a lot -in order not to feel too much. I don't know how to fight this because I have been doing that for years. Maybe writing on this blog more often will help me stay grounded.