I have to say

Today is not one of my best days. I'm feeling pretty low. I probably need some sleep. I also need to be more direct and tell people what I feel or think -especially when it relates to Léo. I don't like this wuss-woman I have become -or have always been but never knew it! I want to be stronger, more assertive, and more driven.

And here I am, wallowing. Yeah that's strong all right.

On to coffee cup #104.

Snow, Sleep, and Travels

In that order.

This first part was written yesterday.

It's snowing today. It snowed yesterday, too. The nanny came over yesterday (oh, how posh I sound saying that!) but today we didn't call her so I'm at home with Léo. The office has been closed for 2 days. I didn't know that yesterday so I worked, but today I am not pushing it. As a matter of fact I've only checked my emails and worked during Léo's naps (he's taking one right now). I'm sure the other office in DC is annoyed that we are not working right now -because it takes a snowmageddon of epic proportions for them not to go to the office (and then they just work from home). Ah, the joy of being a workaholic...!

It's quite hard to know what to do with Léo -well he's fine but I don't know what to do with myself! We can't go downtown because the monorail doesn't work -I'm not going to walk 1.5 miles in the cold. We can't play in the snow because he doesn't have waterproof clothes -he's just getting out of a string of colds that lasted 2 months and I'd rather keep him healthy thankyouverymuch. Obviously we can't drive to Target or to friends' houses. We could walk the 100 yards to the Pacific Science Center but it's closed as well... So I'm letting him do whatever he wants to do today -playing with toilet paper rolls, flushing 105 times in a row, knocking down block tower after block tower, etc. For some reason he can't play alone when I'm here and either he needs me right by him or he wants to be in my arms. I LOVE the fact that he's so cuddly but come on little dude, a little independence doesn't hurt! I'm contemplating sticking him in front of Wonderpets when he wakes up... Baaad mama! Oh he's up, after a short one hour nap. That bring us to sleep. I'll write about that later.

Ok, skip to one day later.

The night was rough. He went to bed at 845pm because he took an hour nap from 430-530. Then he was up at midnight. Instead of being up for his usual hour and a half, he didn't go back to bed until 245am. Then he woke up at 6 and fell back asleep at 630, until 8. Needless to say, sleep is not better. We saw a sleep specialist -doctor, not consultant- who said that if he learns to fall asleep on his own he should also be able to fall back asleep during the night. Problem is: he knows how to fall asleep on his own when he first goes to bed. During the night, though, we need to rock him. We could do Ferber and let him cry but it would take longer than 90' to put him back to sleep AND he would cry during that whole time (I know, we did Ferber during the night a month ago and he cried for up to 2 hours). I am so tired, and so angry. I cuss at God in the middle of the night (better be mad at him than at my baby, though I am sometimes so frustrated I leave him in the crib and go back to my room for a while).

We're weaning him right now, trying to get rid of the 12-2am feeding. It's tough. He doesn't take a pacifier anymore and doesn't suck his thumb. He doesn't want a lovey either. He just wants me to rock him. Not Joe. Me. I... Sometimes I feel like dropping a hammer on my foot or knocking my head against a wall to relieve the frustration. I'm so so tired and, well that's it. Just tired.

I want to avoid Ferber again because I HATE hearing him cry. I know ALL moms who did Ferber hated to hear their babies cry. I'm just not good with it and not consistent. But I know it's the right thing to do. Well, I don't know if it's the right thing to do anymore because the sleep specialist said Ferber usually stops working when kids turn 9 months old, so for us it could be now or never. I just don't know. I so wish he could learn on his own without having to cry and cry. I know he needs sleep. He always looks tired -though he's always happy. At this point I just don't know. I just feel like crying and letting someone else figure it out. I've tried. I've failed. And failed. And failed. It's getting old.

We just need to find a solution before the end of February because (third topic!) I'm going to Vietnam for 10 days with work! I don't know how I'm going to spend 10 days away from Léo. The most I have spent away from him is 2-3 hours for date night, and he was asleep! I volunteered for that trip and am really excited to go but I don't know how it's going to go. I go boinkers when Joe is gone for 3 days but he feels quite ok about it all. He's going to spend a week here and another one with his family in OC. I pray that it all goes well.

Heck, maybe Joe can do Ferber while I'm gone. Ha. Geeenius.

Ok, that was a big update. I'm going to go back to watch the snow fall. Oh, and work.

9 months!

Léo is now 9 months old. He's spent more time outside than inside my belly! In 3 little months he'll be a year! Man... Time has gone by so fast. When he was born, 3 months seemed an impossible time to imagine and now it seems 3 months from now is right around the corner. it's amazing.

Our little boy is absolutely fantastic. We love him so much. He's fun, kind, cuddly (cuddly!), curious, and happy.

Here is a snapshot of Léo at 9 months:

- He has cute curly hair in the back of his head and grey/hazel eyes.

- He talks all the time: dadada, nanana, mamama, fffff, babababa.

- He crawls super fast and cruises. Sometimes he contemplates taking a step alone but decides against it -seriously you can almost see his brain work!

- He knows how to go up a flight of stairs. He loved doing that at his grandparents' over Christmas.

- He LOVES being chased. When he sees Joe or the dogs he starts laughing and "runs" the other way -either crawling fast or cruising fast, which usually means he's slower because he's too excited about the chase to coordinate his feet to move faster! It's really fun to watch.

- He pushes his little lego table with his chest and walks.

- He claps. He doesn't know what clapping stands for but he claps a lot.

- He plays pick-a-boo with a blanket on his own in the car. He cracks himself up doing that.

- He loves hugging Piper. He crawls to her and gives her a big ol' hug. It's cute.

- He swallows food a bit better but he still loves to shove food in his mouth and keep it there.

Here he is. 9 months. My sweet love.

2011 and 2012

2011 in one picture:

In one word: sleep. Or lack thereof.

Seriously. I know. First world problem.

I guess it's not only sleep, but also the lack of control over his sleep schedule -or lack of routine. So I took control any way I could and I have recorded his feedings and naps / night time sleep since he was a baby. That hasn't helped -but I still do it.

Other words:

laughter, smiles, friendships ("it takes a village").

2011 has been a great year. It has been a bit chaotic and at times difficult. It has reset my view of life and what matters -I am less career-focused. It has been wonderful and amazing and I have never smiled or laughed that much because Léo is such a happy boy who loves to discover new things and find 1,001 reasons to laugh out loud.

I hope 2012 will be as beautiful. I am not making resolutions this year but am hoping that:

- I will find a way to be closer to God and trust him more.

- I will lose all my baby weight (I still have 15 pounds to lose. I lost 15 pounds in the first 3 weeks and haven't lost a single pound since then. Uh).

- I will be pregnant again! We're going to start trying sometime this summer. If I am pregnant this year, I will have been pregnant for a few months (or days) EACH YEAR from 2009-2013. That's pretty crazy.
Ok, I thought about that one and this summer might be a bit early. Please refer to word of the year and goal #2: if and when I sleep through the night and lose weight, I'm going to want to enjoy that for a while -not jump into waking up three times per night to pee and gain another 30 pounds. So maybe that's a goal for 2013 -I'm going to have to get into mad negotiations marathons with Joe!

- I will figure out a schedule that allows me to share time between work and home. That might involve finding a new job if the one I currently have doesn't allow me to do just that.

- Joe and I will have enough money saved to put a downpayment on a house (this might happen this year or next). When that happens, we will move back to OC.
- I will find time to be a better friend to those I love the most.

I guess that's plenty of excitement for one single year.

I am hoping that this year will be good and serene. I always fear that life balances out the good and the bad and the last few years have been pretty darn good for me. I need to trust that this is not the case, that God is a God who doesn't allow that kind of score-keeping to happen.

As we enter this new year, I pray for those I know lack food and hope in the world. And I pray for friends who are sick or in any kind of pain -emotional or physical. May this year bring joy, healing, and peace.

Happy New Year, friends!