Cinder and Ashes!

Leo has been changing so much lately. It's quite amazing. He's putting two words together -"Eelo tootoo" when he wants to take the train, play with trains, or watch himself in a video we have on the IPhone where he's on the train. He says "mama um" when he wants to be picked up. Most of the time we still communicate as if we were speaking different languages, through pointing and naming. His vocabulary is half words, half sounds. He understands both English and French but only speaks English. He sings constantly. He dances, too. He is really able to express his feelings and desires. It's really neat to see him grow and to see his brain develop. It can be frustrating, too, because he is quite stubborn -but I love that he feels safe enough to say no. And boy, he says no a lot (actually he says "non.")

He's also in a major sleep regression phase that started right around the time we switched our clocks back. He now refuses to go to bed alone most nights, wakes up for 1-3 hours every night, and usually wakes up super early in the morning. And now he can climb out of his bed -so I can let him cry it out all I want but after 5 minutes he'll be out, open his door and play in the living room (like he did this morning) or he'll fall hard on his head (like he did tonight. Ouch). It's time for a toddler bed and it scares me -because now he's really going to be able to get up all the time. I thought sleep issues were over. Wrong! Today I was such a zombie. I was unable to have an intelligent conversation with anyone and had to look for my words all the time. I hope this phase / regression passes soon because my patience is super stretched, I must admit. Going to bed knowing you will be up in the middle of the night is not fun. Waking up with your heart beating fast because you thought you heard your baby cry (dread!) and either not being able to fall back asleep or indeed having to get up to put him back to bed... not optimal.

Apart from this sleep issue... all is well! I'm on a new diet (Weight Watchers) and will receive the 30-Day Shred DVD tomorrow. I'm excited to finally be careful about what I eat and drink and see results. Yay! Work is super busy but mostly excellent. And we have bitter sweet plans that should pan out in the next few months. Life is good!

Thankful

Léo is napping. Joe is watching football. The dogs are snoozing somewhere. And I am relaxing, ready to make tea.

I am so immensely thankful today - for a loving husband, an adorable toddler, a loving family, amazing friends who are my extended family, and a job I really love. I am thankful for a God who loves me unconditionally and who loves others the same. I am thankful for the lessons of the past and for my dreams for the future.

I am a blessed and lucky woman.

A Hard Day

Today was one of those days filled with first world problems -I say that because finally I read about Gaza and Goma in depth tonight and I know my day is awesome in comparison to any person living in these two places -and many more, actually.

This morning I dropped of Léo at daycare. He was sick yesterday and probably a bit sick still today but I dropped him off anyway because both Joe and I needed to be at work. He cried big tears when I left and ran after me saying "mama, mama." I felt pretty guilty about that -and it wasn't even 8AM. Then I just couldn't focus at work -and I had 5 meetings total, including one where I had to lead and show my A game. That didn't happen and I felt pretty defeated. I couldn't read the news, couldn't read reports, couldn't-couldn't-couldn't. Then tonight Léo was in a super tough mood all evening long and refused to go to bed until 845. He tantrumed, screamed, and cried for a good hour before I finally put him in his crib and left the room for 10 minutes. He was calmer when I picked him back up and agreed to drink his milk. He fell asleep fairly quickly and I just cuddled with him for 10 more minutes because I need to hug my baby, damnit. That extra time cuddling his sleepy and warm body made the world right again.

So rough day at home, rough day at work. I am so thankful for the upcoming 4-day weekend -and many more things, like, oh, living in a country that doesn't know war within its borders and not having to wonder whether the next bomb I hear is going to kill my baby. Reading the news tonight definitely put things in perspective!

Safety and Love

Tonight I went into Léo's bedroom to check his room temperature. Both his feet were dangling from the crib. He's so tall. I am amazed about new things he does or says everyday (today, going down stairs without support and, ahem, saying "Bama" when I ask him to say Obama!). 

Maybe it's because of the nature of my job or because of the way my parents raised me, but I am aware more and more that Léo is a lucky baby. He's born in the "West" to parents who have a sound relationship, money in the bank, jobs, a modern apartment, and who wanted him to be conceived and born. I often joke that I had to step away from his crib a few times when he was crying during the night as a baby (15 months old are still babies, right?) but I also know that I was well enough mentally to not break down, that my only stress was lack of sleep (not compounded by lack of food, money, housing, etc).  In one word, he is growing up in a safe and loving environment. Somehow I think that is enough for a child to survive and thrive. Safety and love. That is not all that it takes to make a child grow healthy, but that's definitely a good beginning.

One of my best friends just traveled to Rwanda for work. While she was there she visited the genocide memorial and took a picture that still haunts me -a room full of pictures and stories of children, some just infants, who were killed during the genocide. Right now I am reading a lot about the genocide in Cambodia for work and it just tears me apart to read that children were taken away from their parents to be raised by Angka -the government. 

One day Joe and I were taking turn chasing and holding Léo (when we chase him one parent runs to him and the other is his "safety" person, the one he runs to, laughing, to be picked up). As he and I were hiding in the closet waiting for Joe, Léo started laughing out loud. At that moment, I thought "Thank God we're not a situation where the difference between life and death  depends on the silence of a child who doesn't understand what is going on." I know...  not the best thoughts to have when you're playing with your baby. Still. I am so so thankful Léo will (most likely. Please God let it be never) not be in a situation where he could die because of political games. He will not be in a situation where he doubts our love, where he faces emotional or physical abuse. Again, most of it is luck (good political conditions on one hand, and luck of being a wealthy westerner on the other), but part of it is also Joe and my will to make his life a haven of love, laughter, and stability. And I'm proud we're able to provide that for him right now. We will always be his advocate, we'll always put his well being first, and we'll always ensure that his life is the best it can be. So there we have it: safety and love. For my baby, safety and love, always.

What Léo has been up to

My baby turned 18 months old yesterday! He's a full-on toddler now -but he's still my baby. In some ways he is mature -he talks more, he understands us, he runs and hides, and his brain is in constant motion- and in some ways he's still really young -he cannot control his emotions, he still wants to be rocked before going to bed. He is pretty tall (98th percentile) and fairly lean (70th percentile). His hair is full of curls. He is a picky eater but he's healthy -he loves Nutella and cookies but also all fruits and asparagus. He repeats a lot of words but can only say 2 or 3 phonemes "ba" for ball, "buh" for bird and bus, "abo" for apple and avion (plane, in French), etc. He loves to say "non!" He waves a lot, he dances and sings non stop, he loves being chased, he runs all the time, he walks backward every day for fun, and he tries to jump every time we're in elevators (go figure!).

We had a mini-conference with his daycare director and she said that he's very observant, doesn't smile that much unless he means it, plays on his own a lot, and overall is pretty reserved. That about blew my mind because at home he laughs all the time. He definitely is shy -something we have to know and respect. He is finally starting to pick up books -this morning Joe took him out of the crib after he woke up and instead of running into the living room he sat in his bedroom and chose books from his baby-library. I'm so glad about that! He loves everything Elmo (well, mainly songs from Sesame Street) and trains. He likes pointing at planes in the sky. He loves helping by walking the dogs and opening the garage door.

Sometimes he throws tantrums -he very carefully lowers himself on the ground and just lays there! I have to say I'm not good at setting boundaries and limits and he can pretty much get away with anything with me. Yup, I'm *that* parent! I'm aware of it and working on it.

Oh, and last but not least HE SLEEPS THROUGH THE NIGHT consistently. Oooooh yeah! At home he still takes 2 naps per day during the weekend but we feel that this routine might end soon. When he was born he slept for about 19-20 hours per day so we know this baby needs sleep to function well. So do we. We have a deal!

That's it. We have a very funny, loving, kind, determined, joyful child. I love him more than words can express. He is my world.

 He loves having "fun" at the park (ha!).

 And sometimes he's serious.

 And his hair is always a bit crazy.

But that doesn't prevent him from being a ladies' man. That's his daycare girlfriend, Grace. (Their shirts match!)

 He loves Elmo. He also loves feeding Elmo!

Mainly he's just a funny, healthy, beautiful kiddo!

We're back... for a little bit!

We're just back from a weekend in Orange County. It was so nice to hang out with family and enjoy the sunshine! Léo really loves Joe's family. They're the sweetest to him and he soaks up all the cuddles he can get from them. Of course that's making me think about moving back there -but that's a post for another time as I feel quite conflicted about this choice.

We're back for our regular routine for 2 weeks and then we're leaving again, this time for our most anticipated vacation in Turks. It's only going to be 3 nights but it should be really awesome. They have activities for kids Léo's age and their main theme is Sesame Street, which Léo loves. Well, he loves the music -which we have to play again and again and again.

I don't have much to say these days! Life is good. I need to get on a diet because, well, I weight almost as much as I did before Léo's birth -no, no, not pregnancy, his BIRTH! I just don't have any motivation to lose weight. I mean, I do berate myself about 104 times per day about being fat and disgusting... all the while eating a Twix, drinking gin & tonic, and doing nothing but watch TV at night. Ah yes... Laziness hath no bounds!

Catching Up

So much to say and so little time to write, it seems. Quick summary:

El Salvador was fine. It was interesting but I don't feel that I got a true sense of what the children there are struggling with. I did, in an intellectual way, by talking to staff and partners, but I didn't talk to children or see them that much, so I am left a bit hungry for more information. Talking with staff was great (in Spanish mostly. Ole!) but most of them work in advocacy and talk about partnerships and system change. I talked to them a bit about what life is really like for children (how violence has permeated all areas of society) but again... not enough. Still, it was a good trip. I ate pupusas, drank cappuccinos that kept me up at night, read a whole book, and watched the end of Downton Abbey, season 2. I took a few pictures that I'll post soon (really just a few. I'm not good at documenting trips).

And then I went back home and picked up Léo at daycare. He was not overly happy to see me, but he shyly hugged me for 5 minutes straight and gave me 10 consecutive kisses -usually I beg him for kisses! It was so good to see him again. He has pretty much been in my arms since -he's in yet another mama's boy phase.

The day after I came back we left on our cruise to Alaska. ALASKA, where it's cold. Of course I packed for a Carribean cruise because, what else, I was in mayjah denial. We had to buy Léo a sweater in Juneau! The landscape was beautiful, but let's just say I'm a city girl through and through. Seeing one glacier was enough for me. That being said, spending 100% of my time with Léo as well as Joe and his parents for 10 days straight was perfect. It was tiring -dear God this boy is like the energizer bunny!- but it was so good to hug him and make him laugh and see him try to talk more and more. He says mainly "dadadada" and "babo" for everything but he points, says yes or no (shakes head, rather), says and signs "again" all the time, and is very determined when he wants something, which made it really easy to communicate with him. He was super flexible regarding schedules and was simply fun to be with -and he danced all the time! It's such a blessing to love and like your child! In other news, the bedroom was very small so they put the pack and play between our two beds. Welcome back to the Victorian area :) At night I held my baby boy until he fell asleep and when he woke up during the night he banged on me (really, literally banged!) until I picked him up and we finished the night in the same bed. That was so SO sweet -except now we have to do sleep training all over again and it's breaking my heart. Cruise... success! Next time we'll go in the sun (next time is actually September when we'll spend 3 days in a Beaches resort in Turks. Can't wait for that!).

Now I'm going back to work tomorrow. Seriously friends, if I didn't love my job so much I would quit right now because spending quality time with Léo is really nice. I'm going to miss him during the day -and miss him even more tomorrow night when I go to New York for 3 days. I mean... it's New York so I'm not complaining, but I'll miss him all the same. We were to go to Montreal next weekend but we'll just stay home and chill a bit. I really want to go to Montreal (it's on top of my travel bucket list) but it'll be hard for Joe to take Léo on a red eye and it might be tough for him to travel all the time. We'll see though. It might not be possible to change our flights.

So that's it for me. Work, family-family-family, hugs and kisses and laughter and more hugs, and work again. Busy and good.

Leaving

I'm excited for my trip but I'm already missing my baby and crying about it! At least I'm crying about it 2 days before departure -not like for Vietnam when I cried for a good week before leaving.

He'll be fine. Joe will be fine. I'll be fine. But I'll miss my sunshine!

Summer Plans

Life is good! Léo is sleeping well -not for the past couple of nights because of teething but hopefully it'll get better after his teeth get out-, my job is amazing, Joe's job is well, my friends are the best friends anyone could have, and the sun is finally out!

August is going to be a busy month for me. Right now a dear friend of ours is visiting for the weekend and I can't be happier about it -he's one of Joe's best friends who has also become one of my best friends (we lived with him in OC for more than a year). I will travel to El Salvador in a week -and will be there on both my and Joe's birthday- then we'll go on a cruise to Alaska with Joe's parents, then I will go to New York for work, then Joe will meet me there and we'll go to Montreal for a couple of days. And then it's September and I'll chill a bit.

In the fall I might go to Turks with Joe for his work conference -it' a family resort so Léo of course will go with us- and hopefully I'll go to Cambodia sometime in November or December.

I have never been south of Mexico so I am excited about El Salvador. Also it's the first time I'll be working on youth violence and that's intellectually challenging. Now that my brain is (half) back I am looking forward to developing new working skills and deepen my knowledge of child protection.

On a personal note, we might think about baby #2 in a few months and I need to get on a diet. I am the same weight I was 3 weeks after I gave birth to Léo. Needless to say, I'm not super proud for letting myself eat like crap for so many months. I need to get in shape. Stat.

I feel immensely blessed. This is not bragging. This is just acknowledging a very good phase in our life. May it continue for a while.

Victory!

Well, sleep training worked. Léo has been sleeping through the night since last Friday. After that terrible 3rd day he cried for less than 15 minutes, then less than a minute when we put him in the crib. Yesterday he stopped crying all together. He just lays there, turns around a bit, puts his head on his pillow pet, and ta-da, falls asleep! And at night, he stays asleep until 5:30 -he's an early riser.

Sleep training was tough -but it worked for us. We all finally get good sleep.

Guilty conscience... gone!

Colorado

My heart is so heavy. What happened in Aurora is just so incomprehensible. What a nightmare for these parents to know how their kids were killed. This type of events is unfortunately all too frequent in this country -and I'm not blaming the US as France had a similar mass killing (at a primary school!) a few months ago.

I could talk about better access to mental health and stricter gun control, but others have done it better (here for instance). I am praying for the family affected by this massacre. I am praying for peace and healing in the community. And I am praying for parents never to experience this type of loss, anywhere -due to a lone killer or wars.

20 years

As I sit watching a Frontline about AIDS in the US, I pause and think that tomorrow is the 20th anniversary of my father's death. 20 years!

I am not overly sentimental about this date -or this anniversary. I am not emotional about what my baby is missing -because Léo has a wonderful grandfather (make that two as Joe's dad is an amazing Pa as well). Because I never lived with my father and because he died right before I turned 12 I never got to know him, really. I mean, I knew him of course , but I never got to talk to him about his childhood, his dreams, his thoughts. My relationship with him was good but not perfect. I remember dreading seeing him and spending time with him -mainly because he was so busy with work. I remember walking in front of him in the street, almost as if I were ashamed -oh, and I am ashamed now to even admit it, believe me! There's a French song that says "she cries when I'm here and laughs when I go away" and even when he was still alive that made me think me of my father. Of course I remember when he told me he had AIDS and how I was just like "you have what?" because it was 1991 and frankly I didn't know much about that illness -and also because he and my mom had gotten into a fist fight over me and I was a bit shocked about that. I remember bragging to my friends that my dad had AIDS, don't you know, and that I really wanted him to die. And then he did, a year after he told me about it and only 5 years after he was diagnosed and I bit my words and even as I was crying on my mom's shoulders the night she told me he died I scolded myself "well, you wanted him dead and he is dead. Why are you crying?" So mainly I remember what I felt about him, but I don't remember much of him.

(One of the reasons for this rapid health decline was that he had gotten malaria in Ivory Coast during a movie gig and the fever and other symptoms came back every month or so because his body was too weak to fight the infection. I have no idea whether he had anti malarial meds or antiretrovirals)

And I don't know if I miss him. Again, I have a really great dad. My adoption was final a little more than a year after my father died -because my mom was well too aware of her suicidal tendencies and didn't want me to be left an orphan and because he loved me and wanted me to be family. So I have a dad, who cares for me, helped me study, makes me laugh, walked me to the altar, and has been there every step of the way from age 8 on. So no, I don't exactly miss my father -much to my mother's dismay and anger. But I wish he were here right now. I wish I could introduce him to Léo. I wish we could talk about his life and his childhood and what it was like to grow up Algerian in France (you know me, the political mind!), what it was like to be in the movie industry, what it was like to be diagnosed at 30, just... what it was like to be him. I wish I could hold him and tell him I am sorry for not visiting at the hospital, for hating his family so much (because really, they behaved like douches when he passed away), for not going to his funeral (see previous point about his family), and for not being there in the last moments. I would hug him and tell him that I love him and that I tried to follow in his footsteps by studying film at UCLA but really, I was not cut throat enough. I would tell him that I wanted Léo's middle name to be Faouzi but that it wouldn't have been fair to Serge or Jeff. I would tell him that I might sound nutsy but I know he's watching over Léo. And I would tell him to go in peace and that he lives in my heart -and that he has been there, daily, for 20 years.

We're all the result of our parents' lives and choices. I carry all 3 of my parents' lives within me. And whether I really knew him or not, whether I think I was a good daughter or not, whether his family thinks I'm his biological daughter or not, whether I've known him dead twice more than I've known him alive, he's here, in me, DNA, temperament, and history. I am my father's daughter.

That is a picture that was taken in December 1989, a few weeks after my brother's birth. We all celebrated Christmas together and somehow two pictures taken that day collided into one, showing (shoving!) my parents together. Pretty neat, huh?

Sleep training is kicking our butts

And we're back talking about sleep. After a week of terrible nights -he was up 2 or 3 times- we decided that we would start sleep training, for reals this time. We contemplated two methods -one where we stay in the bedroom with him and one where we check on him- and chose the latter, but after we checked on him once we realized it made things worse so... we let him cry. That was tough. it took 45 minutes but then he threw his pillow pet on the mattress, threw himself on the pillow, and fell asleep -just like that! He slept through the night!

Yesterday, things were EASY. He fell asleep after 3 minutes of crying for his first nap and took only 20 minutes for his second. At night, he was asleep after crying for less than 30 seconds.

And then today came, and boy... it was hard. Hhhhhard. We had to forego his first nap because he was still crying after an hour. We rocked him for his second nap (his first, technically) because he just needed to sleep. And tonight he cried for 1h40. That's 100 minutes. Straight. Joe had to leave the apartment and I relied on texting friends who had done that method successfully with their babies -and who thankfully answered right away (have I mentioned I love my friends?).

He's asleep now. Sleep training is a b*tch, lemme say that and excuse my French.

Speaking of which, it was Bastille Day on Saturday. We didn't do much but I craved crepes like crazy!

What are you willing to give up?

Last week my great friend and colleague Jen and I talked about the book written by our organization’s president. It’s a good read so far –quite well written and challenging. One of the main themes of the first few chapters is how he came to leave his job as the CEO of a luxury company (i.e., a gorgeous house, expensive car, really nice lifestyle) to become the president of a non-profit. He challenges his reader: what are you ready to give up to follow God’s calling for your life (in secular term: what are you willing to give up to follow your passion / what you know is right)? He gives the example of the rich man who asks Jesus what he should do to get into Heaven. Jesus says “Love god with all your heart and with all your soul and love your neighbor as yourself.” And then he says “leave your possessions and follow me.” The man left sad, knowing he wasn’t able to leave his possessions behind.

I realize I am like this man. I am not willing to give up my lifestyle to follow Christ. I don’t feel called to be poor or a missionary –so I don’t feel required to leave all my possessions. That being said, I don’t tithe, I don’t donate to charities and I am certainly not willing to give up my almost daily Starbucks. My excuse? Well, I already work for a non-profit, so that’s sacrifice right there. Riiight. That’s BS 101.

I really feel that I should give up more –donate more of my time and money. Ok, maybe more of my money because I feel quite stretched at it is, time-wise. I feel I should at least stop living life on the surface –never stopping to wonder what God wants from me or what I can do to challenge myself to be better to the world and to my neighbor. I need to be willing to leave some possessions. It's not going to be easy since Joe and I don't see this donation-thing the same way. I see it as a bit of a sacrifice and a way to follow God whereas he's more than agnostic and, if he doesn't mind donating money, doesn't want to make it something sacrificial either. We need to find a common ground -something that will challenge us both and meet us where we're at.

Someone heard me!

Léo slept from 830-645 last night.

That was nice!

Nights

Léo has been such a joyous little toddler lately. He’s funny, loves to be chased, stares at people in the street until they look at him and then buries his head in Joe’s or my shoulder, babbles non-stop, smiles and hugs all the time. Daytime is splendid.

Night time is another story. In the past few months, Léo has been better at sleeping through the night a couple to a few times a week –that usually means 8 or 9 hours straight. He sleeps on average 12 hours per day –which is below average but still within an acceptable range. When he was a newborn and until he was about 4 months old –pretty much until we unswaddled him- he slept more than average: 20 hours per day when he was just born to 16 hours at 4 months. Then, as you know, it all changed and we’ve been struggling with night sleep. He still sleeps a lot during the day but nights are tougher. We have better nights than when he was 8 months old and woke up twice a day for up to 2-3 hours at a time during which he needed to be rocked. Now he wakes up once for one to two hours –and still needs to be rocked. Sometimes he lets us rock him on the glider but most nights we stand up and rock him while he sits straight –as if he were in the Ergo.

Last week was terrible because he was sick. Joe and I spent two nights taking turns rocking him for more than three hours. I cried and cried in frustration. Yesterday he refused to go to bed until 10. Now I know he’s only 14 months old so when I say he refused to go to bed I mean he refused to be rocked. I could have put him in his crib and let him cry but I just can't do that.

Long story short, I feel like a failure. I know sleep is important for his body and his mind yet I can’t bring myself to do sleep training. I know I created this routine that keeps him awake at night and I know I need to get rid of it but I feel too guilty to let him cry it out (plus we have neighbors who might not appreciate being woken by a screaming baby at 2AM). Part of me realizes that avoiding CIO is for me as much as it is for him: *I* hate hearing him cry and I’d rather rock him for hours than face his tears. But really, the boy needs sleep. Joe and I need sleep. So I’m going to try to find a solution that is not 100% CIO but that will allow him to constantly sleep through the night. I will talk to his daycare providers and try to enforce two naps a day -we're having a bit of an issue with that right now. I feel we’re back to square 1 (8 months ago when I first started sleep training).

Maybe I can hire a nanny that will stay with Léo while he cries it out and Joe and I go out for a drink or three. I wish…

14 months!

Last month I didn't write anything when Léo turned 13 months old because, well, now that he's over a year old, is there really a use writing a monthly update? But it's been two months and though Léo hasn't changed that much, life with him has changed. You guys, he's such a treat! This week he was sick so I got to spend 3 whole days with him and I loved it. LOVED IT. I also love my job so I won't quit but lemme tell you, it's tempting. I feel so sad having to go back to work tomorrow. So torn. When I went back from maternity leave I felt guilty but now I know what I'm missing. TONS. I'm missing being able to speak to him in French all day long. I'm missing his constant "talking" (everything sounds like daddy, daly, and doggy but with enough variations that you know he's having something like a 12-word vocabulary). I'm missing just hanging out and going out with him -today as a matter of fact we went out between every nap and it was awesome. Uh, it's so hard having to go back to work!

As I said, nothing major has happened. No new words, no new development (no sleeping through the night. Uh). But he's doing more and more of the little things that make him so fun: walking like a robot, walking with little steps, dancing, walking backwards, asking to be chased all. the. time, starting to like reading books (it's now part of our bedtime routine), showing constant love for me (he's definitely in a mommy phase right now) by hugging me and wanting to be in my arms, learning to open doors (which comes in handy for him during bedtime routine when we're reading on the floor, and he suddenly gets up, opens the door of his bedroom, and WALKS OUT). And his smile. Oh, I just can't get enough of his smile and laughter. He's my pride and joy.

Mini-Jedi! (yeah, that's foam pipe insulator)

Not able to choose just one cart! This boy needs the same thing in each hand (usually food!).

Trying to put shoes on.

Charity and a Bath

The organization I work for is big on not offering direct benefits to the people we work with -direct benefits would be school fees, books, uniforms, etc. We're big on community development and sustainable programs -programs that will last long after the organization leaves communities. In short, we're moving away from giving people stuff. Well, today I did exactly what my organization says not to do: I handed out stuff. And you know what? I don't feel that bad about it!

I was walking downtown with Léo and I saw a woman asking for money. She had a baby with her, her 8-month old son. That just broke my heart. So I gave her the change I had and went to a store. But it bugged me that I didn't do more, so I asked what her baby needed. She said diapers and wipes. So off I went and bought just that -plus butt cream, just in case. When I went back to her, I noticed that she had another bag from the same store I had just gone to -I saw another mom talk to her and I'm sure she and I had the same idea.

I know this is not a solution. It's temporary -it lasts only as long as the diapers last. It's definitely not sustainable. It doesn't empower her. But it helps her right now. It's been proven that not enough diapers = diaper rash = crying baby = more stress for parents = sometimes violence against children. So, maybe having enough diapers for a week will give this mom relief.

And this reminds me to have a soft heart for donors who want to "do something now" and "give stuff" to a community. It'll remind me to educate rather than judge. Change is gradual -both in donors and in the communities we serve.

_______________

Totally unrelated... Tonight Léo was in a good mood again! He slept through the night yesterday (yes! Plus Joe was on "duty" last night so he's on again tonight) but he didn't take a morning nap. He was tired when I picked him up from daycare but the evening was awesome. At one point we gave him a popsicle (he had one yesterday when he fell again and his gum bled so tonight when Joe ate one he wanted it. NOW!) and he wanted to be held. I obliged and he gave me the biggest hug. Yeah... that meant I had ice cold sticky goo all over my back and neck. So I jumped in the bath and had Léo join me. He's been afraid of baths lately and it's the only time he stayed in the water for more than 10 seconds. It was nice to take a bath with him (and he's 13 months so I don't feel weird about being naked next to him). After that we went to his bedroom and chilled -we added that to his routine so that we have more calm time together before bed time. We read. WE. READ. Usually he eats books but this time he was attentive, pointed to the picture of the dog, kissed the picture of the dog, and enjoyed turning the pages. It was so sweet.

I am enjoying his good mood, cuddles, and ability to chill a bit before bed time. He's just so precious, fun, and cute these days!

Fast and Slow

I haven't written much these past few weeks. A lot has happened and I felt like I didn't have time to catch my breath, sit down, and write, and then nothing happened and I had nothing to report.

The fast and furious version of events: I interviewed for a job within my organization and got it within 10 days. Yay! It's a really, REALLY awesome job, focused on child protection and education. I am so happy to be in this new role. (That means we're not moving back to Southern Cal for a bit, but that's totally fine with me. God has such timing!). The week after, I flew to DC for handover meetings with my team and at the end of that same week Joe, Léo, and I flew to San Diego to spend a couple of days there. Then we took a train to Orange County and spent a few days with the family. Now I'm planning trips for work: Cambodia in June (Hellz. Yes!), Wisconsin (of all places) in July, and maybe New York in August after our family cruise to Alaska.

Pfiew.

Since then I have started my new job and am just learning more about child protection and some of the projects my organization funds. I hang out a bit with my dear friends at work. And life is slow again. Léo has been UBER-cranky for the past 5-6 weeks and hasn't slept well at all. He cut his toe last weekend and the day after fell at daycare and cut his tongue and his gum -two bloody boo-boos in 2 days. I have seen quite a bit of blood in my life, but I'm a major wuss when I comes to seeing my baby bleed. Today he fell again and his gum bled all over again. He didn't mind too much. The good news is that when I picked him up for daycare he was in a really good mood. Finally my baby is back! We went to Old Navy (I am such a high roller) and I chased him all over the store. He thought it was hilarious and frankly so did I. He was in a good mood until he went to bed -and hopefully the night won't be too bad. He says the same words as a few weeks ago (doggie, dada). One of his friends at day care if only 2 months older than Léo and she is verbal. She saw me today and said "Léo!" And because they have an hour of Japanese immersion per day, she knows "nose" and "ear" in Japanese. I am good at not comparing, though. Kinda.

Actually that reminds me that for a year I have wanted Léo to have an opinion and understand us and now that he does I sometimes wish he were a little blob again because man, he is opinionated indeed. I'm sure it'll be the same with words. Right now I can't wait until he talks but maybe I'll want him to be quiet-please-just-for-a-second when he keeps on rambling and asking questions!

I am really enjoying time with family right now. I love, LOVE weekends. And this week we have a 3-day weekend. I can't wait!

TV shows and Community

Yesterday I watched the last 2 episodes of Desperate Housewives. I really liked that show. It was entertaining and fun. It's one of the few girly shows I watch on TV- all the other shows I watch are on HBO and Showtime. When I was a teenager my mom forbade any kind of American shows at home. The first I was able to watch was ER when I was 15. I missed Melrose Place, Beverly Hills, and others. I watched Friends after high school because a friend of mine brought it to the dormitory I was staying at.

Even though I didn't watch a lot of American TV shows, the ones I watched influenced the way I thought about community in the US. Call me naive but I really thought people in the US were like in TV shows. French TV shows are pretty good at depicting life at is actually is in France, so I didn't think US shows would be any different. So I thought neighbors exchanged recipes and hung out all the time. And then I went to the US and... OH MY was I wrong! It was so hard to find real friends, to feel like I belonged. People in Southern Cal were friendly enough -actually very friendly- but never went the extra mile to forge deep bonds. That might be due to the fact that I was 25 when I arrived and most people had had friends in the area for years. They didn't need new friends but I did and it was tough always being the one initiating get togethers. Even here in Seattle it took me years to find a church and the (wonderful!) friends I have are all from work. Maybe it's a matter of location -maybe Southerners are more likely to forge friendships with neighbors- and maybe it's me -I'm aware that I am not an extrovert. In any case, I kind of felt cheated when I arrived in the US.

TV lied to me!!

Um, yes, I know...

I'll stick to HBO in the future. Waaaay more realistic!

Words!

Léo doesn't speak yet but he's trying to. It's the cutest thing. He says "doggie" and all birds are "duckie." Doggie, duckie, and daddy sound alike. He barks with his mouth closed "hmmhmm." He does the snake "sssss" (and ALL other animals make that sounds, didn't you know!). When I ask him in French "what sound does the dog make?" he says "doggie" in English. Well, at least he understands French!

He babbles all the time, really.

It's a fun time in our lives. Well, most of the time! He's been whiny a lot lately and sometimes wakes up for extended periods in the the middle of the night (2h45 last night. Yeah that was awesome).

I'm leaving tonight for DC. I'll stay there until Wednesday afternoon. I'm going to miss my baby, above when it seems that something new is happening every day. I love this little boy so much!

Roots

Tonight I went to a fundraiser for someone at my church. The man has been a parishioner for years and most people attending the party have known him for decades. How nice it must be to have roots somewhere, to have friends who have been around for most of your life. Joe and I are thinking about moving away from Seattle and while he's really excited about it, I can't help but think that I finally have a community, a (mostly) good job and really wonderful friends. I am not sure I want to move again.

This morning I went to the French immersion school in Bellevue to vote for my next president (1st turn). After I was done -it only took about 10 minutes- I sat in my car and cried. I miss France. So much.

I have roots. Here in Seattle, in France, in Orange County a bit (my baby certainly has 50% of his roots there!). I don't feel however that I have deep roots anywhere. I just want to get to know people. Really know them. Grow with them, learn alongside them. And that doesn't happen by packing and moving every 5 years or so.

I wish I were someone who could feel at home anywhere. Someone from my team said we should "bloom where we're planted." I should definitely remember to do just that.

Thoughts on Lent

Lent is long gone now but I am still thinking about what I have learnt during that 40-day period. I didn't give up anything this year. Instead I resolved to read a bit of the Old Testament every day (I had only read a few books). It was quite easy at first because I was in Vietnam for 12 days. Back home, I read the Bible on my Iphone (yes, there's an app for that!) when I went to bed. What I read blew my mind... but not necessarily in a positive way. I read of violence, of genocide, of God ordering the Jews to kill everything in the villages they fought (including men, women, babies -BABIES!- and animals), of terrible injustice against women, of wrongful deaths. Man... Parts of the Old Testament are just brutal. Made me think that we humans were not the only ones in need of redemption when Jesus died...

I mean, no wonder the conflict between Israel and Palestine is that bad when you read the way God tells the Jews to treat their enemies. And the Shari'a has nothing on the Bible: a woman who is raped will be stoned if she didn't scream for help and/or she will have to marry her rapist.

I do not believe that most stories from the Bible are true. I do not believe in Adam and Eve. I don't know whether the miracles of Moses really happened. I certainly doubt Mary's physical virginity. Yet I believe in the message and in the overall philosophy of the Bible -Jesus' message to be exact. But I can't ignore the Old Testament either, as much as I'd like to. It's challenging, really, but I if I call myself a Christian I must be able to know what my religion is about. I am pretty sure I won't change my political opinions -I am pro-choice (you know, not pro-abortion, but pro-choice), definitely pro-LGBT, pro-tax, etc. I just want to know who God is and why he eventually sent Jesus.

And then there's the whole concept of being "saved" and redeemed. I wholeheartedly believe in Jesus' words of love and social justice but I am still struggling with the concept of undeserved grace, or rather the fact that those who don't believe will end up in Hell. I actually read a great book that dealt with the same doubts (Evolving in Monkey Town). So yes, I have some reading to do and thoughts to process. I may have to extend the Lenten season a bit!

ONE!

My sweet baby boy is one. Yesterday I read "your baby will be a toddler when he turns one, or if you want, when he walks." Um, how about, as my dear friend Jen suggested, when he turns 18 months old? Yeah, I'll go with that.

It's been a fast year. He has grown so much, physically, intellectually, emotionally. He was kind of a spineless blob and now he's a funny and happy little man.

I went through pictures of him yesterday and... I do not regret ANY day that happened before today. I have loved Léo with all my heart and all my soul from the day he was born, but saying I enjoyed this first year thoroughly would be a big fat lie. The first weeks were difficult. I was a crying mess in the first two weeks. I dreaded the nights, when I felt so alone and helpless (as a matter of fact I started being withdrawn and depressed at about 8PM every day and couldn't wait until the sun came up). I worried about everything. Fortunately I have had the greatest network of girlfriends. They were (and still are) willing and ready to answer every single one of my questions and encouraged me daily -and checked up on me frequently, for which I am so, so thankful. And they kept on saying "It gets better. Hang in there. It gets better."

And it did! I don't know when exactly I stopped worrying about everything, but gradually the cloud lifted. I still haven't found my brain. I still go through bouts of emptiness and mild depression. I still waver between wanting to be a stay at home mom and having a career (this morning I got emails from two different women I know. One decided to stay home and the other is moving to LA for a great job opportunity. Both emails made my heart stir). I still question a lot of things. But I know I am a good mom. Joseph is an amazing father. Léo is happy. There is no doubt in my mind that we are raising a healthy, confident, and happy child.

I also have discovered new things about myself: I can live with barely any sleep at all, I love seeing the world through my child's eyes, I can make good decisions about parenting, I don't care about milestones anymore. And I have discovered a love I didn't know existed. A fierce, protective, yet tender love for my baby. He is my sunshine, my everything.

A few things about him as he starts his second year:
- He loves purple! On Sunday we went to a baby's party and there were plenty of colorful balls. He only picked the purple ones. At home we gave him crayons and again he only picked the purples one.
- He anticipates things. When we tickle him he starts laughing even before we touch him. Obviously we've been tickling him a lot.
- He points to what he wants. he points with his hand wide open so sometimes it's tough to know what he really wants (our house is a mess!).
- He loves dogs. he will stare at them, run after them, and laugh at them. He always plays with Piper and wants kisses from her (he opens his mouth wide and says "aaa"!)
- He still loves the vacuum cleaner (see the other blog).
- He loves walking and sometimes tries to run.
- He tries to put 2 sounds together. Right now he loves the sound of the letter "L." He puts his little tongue between his teeth and goes at it "LLLLL." And then he says "dl-dl-dl." I can't wait for his first word -which reminds me, I need to stop cussing so much. Yikes.
- He understands French. When I open my arms and ask for a hug, he comes to me and gives me a hug. When I ask "Where is..." he starts looking around. I love that he gets a bit of French (I only see him a couple of hours per day during the work week so his French immersion is limited).

After the excitement of this last year he decided that he would start his second year being a DIVA!




WE LOVE YOU LEO!!