LIVING UBUNTU

Proverb 31

2012-02-13T10:51:00.000-08:00

Something is shifting in my heart and mind. God is peeling off layer after layer of ego -and there are quite a few layers- to open my eyes to the woman he wants me to be. Part of this is working on proverb 31.

If someone had told me a few months ago that I would love the description of the "perfect" wife, I would have seriously scoffed because it sounded to me like Stepford wife 101, aka how to be a perfect southern conservative wife. Thanks but hell no thanks. And then I read the proverb with new eyes. I read it in a modern context. And I felt my heart stir just a little and I heard a little whisper that said "this could be you." Not this should be you -because I don't want to live with guilt. But it could be me. If I put my ego aside. Right now I would do anything for Léo but I am not so good to Joe. Part of me revolts at the idea of cooking, mending, and cleaning. Because I'm a modern woman, damnit. But of course now I understand that I can cook and clean without feeling demeaned. We can share chores and I can do mine with pride. Being a lovely wife does not mean being a doormat. Duh. A few months ago I told Joe I would never be a SAHM because there was no way (No. Way.) he could expect to come home to put his feet under the table. I can see how my fears of being stuck in a role/box made me so intransigeant. I have now changed my mind: if I stay home a bit more -which I am planning on doing soon, God willing- I might do more house chores but he will still have stuff to do around the house. More importantly, I will also be able to focus on fun stuff, not just chores. Our home is not going to become Mad Man Central just because I stay home more -well, except for the drinks at all hour of the day. I kid, I kid.

Can you believe it has taken me so long to come to this conclusion? Joe and I have been married for almost 7 years. It's about time!!

I'm not saying I will be the perfect wife. I probably won't wake up before everybody to cook breakfast. I will still come home and have no idea what's for dinner. I will probably sigh every time I have dog hair on my clothes and curse the dogs instead of brushing them. The main thing is that I won't resent improving the status quo. Heck, I might even be proud of the way my house looks.

Now, I am aware that Proverb 31 is not all about housework (it's about respecting others, talking wisely, being sound financially, all of which I want to work toward), but that's been one of the most challenging parts of marriage for me, and that's why I focus so much on that right now.

10 months!

2012-02-11T10:16:00.001-08:00

Léo is 10 months old. This past month, he's become really cuddly, he has learnt to climb on couches, he makes fun sounds with his mouth, and... he is sleeping better (11 hours straight 2 nights ago... followed by a not-so good night last night, but the overall picture is improving). He still babbles a lot (mainly dadadada). We think he calls us "Da!" Well, he doesn't really call me anything, but he calls Joe "Da." It's really cute. He doesn't have stranger anxiety but when he sees someone new, he buries his head into our shoulders. He hugs us a lot. He wants to be in my arms all the time. When I pick him up at day care he does a funny sound with his nose (he breathes really loudly and crunches up his nose), smiles, and puts his arms up for me to pick him up. He does that when we pick him up from his crib as well. It's probably my favorite part of the day -not only because I get to spend the rest of the day with him (all 90 minutes of it, 60 of which are spent driving back home. Uh) but also because he's just so happy to see me -and then he does the same to Joe when we pick him up from work.

Léo's personality is really starting to show. He knows what he wants and doesn't want -and cries when he doesn't get what he wants! He is a very happy baby. We love him so much. More than I could ever express in words. He makes my heart skip a beat and burst about every day. He's my little piece of sunshine.

I need a lesson in life!

2012-02-07T21:48:00.000-08:00

This weekend after a busy day with Joe and Léo, I told Joe: "You know, Léo hasn't had any solids today." I always forget to feed him solids.

This weekend a good friend (hi, Heidi!) re-organized her pantry and posted pictures on her blog. I was super impressed with the way it looked and by what she had in her pantry. She has a lot of basic food that allows her to cook a lot of meals. In comparison, here is my pantry:

No wonder we eat frozen meals. I really need to learn how to cook -and how to fill up my pantry (suggestions appreciated).

Today, another good friend (hi, Sarah!) and I were talking about the haircut I want to have. She asked whether I would color my hair and after I told her that my hair was super dry last time I colored it, she asked whether I used conditioner. Um, no, I don't. She laughed kindly.

When I got married I bought a book called The Modern Girl's Guide to Life. I think it's about time I read it!!

Haircut!

2012-02-06T20:54:00.000-08:00

It's that time again... It's time to cut my hair. I love having long hair but I do nothing with it, so it's time to cut it short.

I'm thinking this:

Or that:

They're quite similar. I'll probably get my hair cut this weekend or next. Stay tuned.

What do you think I should go for?

Wishing, trusting, talking - in faith

2012-02-02T18:12:00.001-08:00

I have been feeling quite conflicted about expressing faith lately. Not conflicted in my beliefs but conflicted about how to express those beliefs. I tend to be quite loud about my political beliefs and silent about my spiritual ones. Today I have read two blog posts* that opened my heart and mind. I wish I could express my thoughts with so much love, grace, and poise. I wish I were more a child of God and less a child of the Left Wing -well I am both but I wish I could share my ideas with a little less anger and conversely a bit more love. I tend to do exactly what I blame others for doing. I am intolerant, I yell (sometimes in my head, sometimes in real life), and I don't even consider people's beliefs worthy if they do not match mine.

I also wish I were more naive in my faith. I didn't say blind or stupid (here I am again with my loud mouth!). I meant trustful -naive like children are. I asked one of Léo's day care providers what her plans were for the summer and she said "I don't know what Jesus has for me yet." It must feel so good to rely completely on God instead of trying to control everything. Trying to control everything is tiring -trust me! I am in an in-between phase in life right now and the lack of control is really frustrating. I am settled in my apartment, job, and family life, yet it seems something else could happen. I feel I need to work toward something. It always seem that way. As a matter of fact, the only time in my life when I was not looking ahead was when I was pregnant, enjoying every day as it was. Now I'm back to running -quite literally running all day and always being rushed but also figuratively running in my head toward the next thing. I don't know what it looks like and I don't know what I need to do to get there. I wish I could just sit, listen to God, and wait on him. I am just so bad at doing that. I don't know how to listen to him, I don't take time to read the Word, and I barely have time to pray (thank God for the silent time I have with Léo at night... even though I am quite mad at God most of that time, which means I don't pray. Ha! Ahem.).

So I am going to stop wishing and start doing. I am going to say what I think with love, not anger. I am going to pray and trust God a bit more (a Pinterest poster read -I paraphrase- "Have you prayed about it as much as you've talked about it?"). I'm going to stop wondering what the future holds and start enjoying the little moments that pass by every day -Léo's smell when he gets off his bath, his smile when we pick him up from his crib, the way he plays with our hair when he holds us. I am going to be more confident in my faith. Or I'll try.

* "A Mountain I'm Willing to Die On," a love letter from a mom to her son, if he's gay.

* "The Slippery Slope," where faith leads you when you dare to love.

PS: Léo is sleeping better, sometimes up to 9 hours at a time. Praise God!

I have to say

2012-01-20T13:49:00.001-08:00

Today is not one of my best days. I'm feeling pretty low. I probably need some sleep. I also need to be more direct and tell people what I feel or think -especially when it relates to Léo. I don't like this wuss-woman I have become -or have always been but never knew it! I want to be stronger, more assertive, and more driven.

And here I am, wallowing. Yeah that's strong all right.

On to coffee cup #104.

Snow, Sleep, and Travels

2012-01-19T20:05:00.000-08:00

In that order.

This first part was written yesterday.

It's snowing today. It snowed yesterday, too. The nanny came over yesterday (oh, how posh I sound saying that!) but today we didn't call her so I'm at home with Léo. The office has been closed for 2 days. I didn't know that yesterday so I worked, but today I am not pushing it. As a matter of fact I've only checked my emails and worked during Léo's naps (he's taking one right now). I'm sure the other office in DC is annoyed that we are not working right now -because it takes a snowmageddon of epic proportions for them not to go to the office (and then they just work from home). Ah, the joy of being a workaholic...!

It's quite hard to know what to do with Léo -well he's fine but I don't know what to do with myself! We can't go downtown because the monorail doesn't work -I'm not going to walk 1.5 miles in the cold. We can't play in the snow because he doesn't have waterproof clothes -he's just getting out of a string of colds that lasted 2 months and I'd rather keep him healthy thankyouverymuch. Obviously we can't drive to Target or to friends' houses. We could walk the 100 yards to the Pacific Science Center but it's closed as well... So I'm letting him do whatever he wants to do today -playing with toilet paper rolls, flushing 105 times in a row, knocking down block tower after block tower, etc. For some reason he can't play alone when I'm here and either he needs me right by him or he wants to be in my arms. I LOVE the fact that he's so cuddly but come on little dude, a little independence doesn't hurt! I'm contemplating sticking him in front of Wonderpets when he wakes up... Baaad mama! Oh he's up, after a short one hour nap. That bring us to sleep. I'll write about that later.

Ok, skip to one day later.

The night was rough. He went to bed at 845pm because he took an hour nap from 430-530. Then he was up at midnight. Instead of being up for his usual hour and a half, he didn't go back to bed until 245am. Then he woke up at 6 and fell back asleep at 630, until 8. Needless to say, sleep is not better. We saw a sleep specialist -doctor, not consultant- who said that if he learns to fall asleep on his own he should also be able to fall back asleep during the night. Problem is: he knows how to fall asleep on his own when he first goes to bed. During the night, though, we need to rock him. We could do Ferber and let him cry but it would take longer than 90' to put him back to sleep AND he would cry during that whole time (I know, we did Ferber during the night a month ago and he cried for up to 2 hours). I am so tired, and so angry. I cuss at God in the middle of the night (better be mad at him than at my baby, though I am sometimes so frustrated I leave him in the crib and go back to my room for a while).

We're weaning him right now, trying to get rid of the 12-2am feeding. It's tough. He doesn't take a pacifier anymore and doesn't suck his thumb. He doesn't want a lovey either. He just wants me to rock him. Not Joe. Me. I... Sometimes I feel like dropping a hammer on my foot or knocking my head against a wall to relieve the frustration. I'm so so tired and, well that's it. Just tired.

I want to avoid Ferber again because I HATE hearing him cry. I know ALL moms who did Ferber hated to hear their babies cry. I'm just not good with it and not consistent. But I know it's the right thing to do. Well, I don't know if it's the right thing to do anymore because the sleep specialist said Ferber usually stops working when kids turn 9 months old, so for us it could be now or never. I just don't know. I so wish he could learn on his own without having to cry and cry. I know he needs sleep. He always looks tired -though he's always happy. At this point I just don't know. I just feel like crying and letting someone else figure it out. I've tried. I've failed. And failed. And failed. It's getting old.

We just need to find a solution before the end of February because (third topic!) I'm going to Vietnam for 10 days with work! I don't know how I'm going to spend 10 days away from Léo. The most I have spent away from him is 2-3 hours for date night, and he was asleep! I volunteered for that trip and am really excited to go but I don't know how it's going to go. I go boinkers when Joe is gone for 3 days but he feels quite ok about it all. He's going to spend a week here and another one with his family in OC. I pray that it all goes well.

Heck, maybe Joe can do Ferber while I'm gone. Ha. Geeenius.

Ok, that was a big update. I'm going to go back to watch the snow fall. Oh, and work.

9 months!

2012-01-14T14:29:00.001-08:00

Léo is now 9 months old. He's spent more time outside than inside my belly! In 3 little months he'll be a year! Man... Time has gone by so fast. When he was born, 3 months seemed an impossible time to imagine and now it seems 3 months from now is right around the corner. it's amazing.

Our little boy is absolutely fantastic. We love him so much. He's fun, kind, cuddly (cuddly!), curious, and happy.

Here is a snapshot of Léo at 9 months:

- He has cute curly hair in the back of his head and grey/hazel eyes.

- He talks all the time: dadada, nanana, mamama, fffff, babababa.

- He crawls super fast and cruises. Sometimes he contemplates taking a step alone but decides against it -seriously you can almost see his brain work!

- He knows how to go up a flight of stairs. He loved doing that at his grandparents' over Christmas.

- He LOVES being chased. When he sees Joe or the dogs he starts laughing and "runs" the other way -either crawling fast or cruising fast, which usually means he's slower because he's too excited about the chase to coordinate his feet to move faster! It's really fun to watch.

- He pushes his little lego table with his chest and walks.

- He claps. He doesn't know what clapping stands for but he claps a lot.

- He plays pick-a-boo with a blanket on his own in the car. He cracks himself up doing that.

- He loves hugging Piper. He crawls to her and gives her a big ol' hug. It's cute.

- He swallows food a bit better but he still loves to shove food in his mouth and keep it there.

Here he is. 9 months. My sweet love.

2011 and 2012

2012-01-02T17:53:00.001-08:00

2011 in one picture:

In one word: sleep. Or lack thereof.

Seriously. I know. First world problem.

I guess it's not only sleep, but also the lack of control over his sleep schedule -or lack of routine. So I took control any way I could and I have recorded his feedings and naps / night time sleep since he was a baby. That hasn't helped -but I still do it.

Other words:

laughter, smiles, friendships ("it takes a village").

2011 has been a great year. It has been a bit chaotic and at times difficult. It has reset my view of life and what matters -I am less career-focused. It has been wonderful and amazing and I have never smiled or laughed that much because Léo is such a happy boy who loves to discover new things and find 1,001 reasons to laugh out loud.

I hope 2012 will be as beautiful. I am not making resolutions this year but am hoping that:

- I will find a way to be closer to God and trust him more.

- I will lose all my baby weight (I still have 15 pounds to lose. I lost 15 pounds in the first 3 weeks and haven't lost a single pound since then. Uh).

- I will be pregnant again! We're going to start trying sometime this summer. If I am pregnant this year, I will have been pregnant for a few months (or days) EACH YEAR from 2009-2013. That's pretty crazy.
Ok, I thought about that one and this summer might be a bit early. Please refer to word of the year and goal #2: if and when I sleep through the night and lose weight, I'm going to want to enjoy that for a while -not jump into waking up three times per night to pee and gain another 30 pounds. So maybe that's a goal for 2013 -I'm going to have to get into mad negotiations marathons with Joe!

- I will figure out a schedule that allows me to share time between work and home. That might involve finding a new job if the one I currently have doesn't allow me to do just that.

- Joe and I will have enough money saved to put a downpayment on a house (this might happen this year or next). When that happens, we will move back to OC.
- I will find time to be a better friend to those I love the most.

I guess that's plenty of excitement for one single year.

I am hoping that this year will be good and serene. I always fear that life balances out the good and the bad and the last few years have been pretty darn good for me. I need to trust that this is not the case, that God is a God who doesn't allow that kind of score-keeping to happen.

As we enter this new year, I pray for those I know lack food and hope in the world. And I pray for friends who are sick or in any kind of pain -emotional or physical. May this year bring joy, healing, and peace.

Happy New Year, friends!

Sign Language

2011-12-19T20:50:00.000-08:00

Today I got an update from Baby Center informing me of Léo's stage of development. They had a special Q&A on sign language. I would love for Léo to sign but haven't started teaching him. However, one of the answers in the Q&A stated that all babies sign before they know how to talk, and they do so very early on. I thought about it, and it's true. When he's done with his dinner he pushes his tray -just like he pushes our hand when we try to wipe his nose. Ok, so maybe that's not a "sign" per se. Ooh, got one. When he wants to be held, he raises him arms. And when he wants something, he waves his fingers.

There. My son, the genius.

Prayer of St Therese

2011-12-18T12:51:00.000-08:00

The catholic school linked to my church gave Léo a card the day he was baptized. I didn't read it until today (a month and a half later!) and I love the prayer they have included, so I thought I would share it with you.

May you have peace within today.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content knowing you are a child of God.

Let his presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, praise, and love.

It is there for each and everyone of you who choose to claim it.

8 months

2011-12-16T21:45:00.001-08:00

I'm a little late again posting this update. In the past month Léo has mastered what he's learnt by the time he was 7 months old (thank God for no new developmental milestone. I don't think I could have handled the night time rehearsing!): he crawls a lot, pulls himself up a lot, chats and sings constantly, smiles a gazillion times a day, doesn't sleep through the night, and is overall an absolute joy to be around!

Random little things:

- He loves to eat -and will taste anything you put in his mouth. He loves to shove 2 to 3 pieces of food in his mouth at once. Then he can't chew anything and spits everything out. Classy baby.

- He loves looking outside and could spend a looong time on the window still if we let him.

- He shows what he wants by staring at them (like the widow or the dog). He also started waving toward things he wants to touch -palm pointing down, fingers waving.

- He has 4 teeth. Actually his 2 bottom teeth are out. The 3rd one (up) if halfway out and the 4th (up as well) one just came out yesterday night -he cried so much I had to go out at 11PM an buy ibuprofen. His teeth are so cute!

- He is very affectionate and wants to be held quite often. When he sees me or Joe he crawls to us and stands up while holding our pants, then holds his arms up. It's a "problem" when I work from home and step in the living room to grab something because he comes to me and I just have to pick him up!

- He's really curious. He is starting to really look at books when we read to him instead of just shoving them in his mouth.

- He refuses to lay on his back in his bath. Now he wants to be sitting. That's fine, except I don't know how to rinse his hair.

That's 8-month old Léo in a nutshell. He is a happy, energetic, loving, kind baby boy. Here he is, babbling in his bath. I love this video -and this little boy of ours.

Bucket list

2011-12-07T21:10:00.000-08:00

I have been sleeping better for only 3 nights (3 blissful nights. Ok, not that blissful because I wake up in a panic at 1am wondering whether my baby is still breathing but that'll pass soon!). I already feel better, so much so that I'm starting a new bucket list. Yay, a new list! I love making lists -and this one is pretty exciting. Why yes, it's all about me. What's not to like about that?

Ferber, Part Trois

2011-12-03T18:56:00.001-08:00

I'll update this post instead of creating new ones to tell you how sleep training goes.

Tonight we started putting Léo to bed using the Ferber method again. If you remember I botched the first two attempts. This time I am ready! He is getting over a cold, he's not teething, he just went through a developmental milestone so I'm guessing he's not going to go through one any time soon, and we're not going to move/travel/go through any changes in the next few weeks. I checked his baby book in which I write when he sleeps/eats/poops and saw that he has stayed up for an hour or two every night since August (when we unswaddled him and when I went back to work). According to Ferber, he stays awake because he doesn't need that many hours of sleep. We're going to work on that as well as the way he falls asleep -no more rocking- and on decreasing night time feedings.

I realized tonight that I was reluctant to do Ferber because:

1- of course I am dreading tears

2- I fear he won't need me anymore -right now he does need me to fall asleep and as much as I need to sleep I relish these moments where he just lays on my chest since he's not so cuddly during the day (this is changing though. Post coming soon)

3- I am afraid he's going to resent me for leaving him alone.

I know all those fears are unfounded. We need sleep. So does Léo. Ferber seems the only thing that can work quickly.

I'm so hopeful that this time will work! Please do pray that it works. Also, in the comments, can you tell me what your kids' routines looked like when they were about 9 months old? That'd help me set our own routine.

Here we go!

Saturday Dec 3rd to Sunday Dec 4th

Léo was so tired after not taking a nap all day that he fell asleep in 2 minutes. I had braced myself for the worst, so this was quite easy! He woke up at 1115. We fed him and put him to bed. He talked to himself for 25' and then started crying -and so we started counting minutes. We checked on him at 3-5-10-10-etc minutes. After 50' he was really mad. He kept on standing up and stomping his feet on the crib. Finally I saw that ht was putting his hand in his mouth. I thought that he has either hurt himself or that his teeth were hurting. So I went in his bedroom, put him back on his side, and whispered to him and stroked his hair. That did it and he fell asleep at 1250. I know this is cheating because he's supposed to fall asleep alone but hey, I didn't rock him and left him in his crib. He slept until 530!

When he got up we noticed that there was blood on his PJs, sheet, and crib. I am guessing he must have hurt himself when he was stomping his feet -maybe knocked his gum on the crib rail or something. Poor baby! We'll be more careful watching the monitor and setting the camera where we can see him when he stands up tonight.

This afternoon we also noticed that his upper teeth are coming out. D'oh! The little man is teething again! It's ok. We're going to give him Tylenol if he hurts. We're not stopping Ferber right now!

Keep on praying please!

Sunday Dec 4th to Mon Dec 5th:
Again he fell asleep in no time. When he woke up for his night feeding he cried for 30' (I checked on him often) and finally I just went to his bed and stroke his hair. That did the trick. He was back asleep right after and slept until the morning.
PROGRESS!

Mon Dec 5th to Tue Dec 6th:
He fell asleep at 615p -he was exhausted for some reason- and slept... until 430am!!! He slept for TEN hours. Stuh-raight.
It worked!! Hopefully it won't be a roller coaster form there. We're quite happy with this Ferber method. It sucked quite a bit but it was worth it.

Post #108 on sleep

2011-11-28T11:34:00.000-08:00

I know... I sound like a broken record. Leo has sleep issues. As a result Joe and I have sleep issues. I am not doing well at all. I am reluctant to write this because I know I complain a lot about little things. Ok, I complain about little things all the freaking time. But this is not a little thing. When we got back from France I thought about how disconnected I felt from my country and fellow French people. But then I realized I have felt disconnected from pretty much everything for a long time. In the first few weeks of Leo's life, hormonal craziness and chaos were normal and to be expected. Then I didn't care about much because I was so happy being a mom -just like when I was pregnant. Bliss was all around. Now I am thinking that my not caring is due to something close to depression. I just... don't. care. It's like there's a flat line in my brain. I am not interested in anything -I don't plan for the future, I don't make lists, I don't read, I don't care about baths. I know, this sounds nerdy and superficial, but before Leo was born those were the things that made me happy! My marriage, work, and friendships suffer. And... well, I do care (yay!). I know what I need. I need SLEEP. Big time.

But there's just one problem: Leo won't sleep. Last night he was up from 10-130 and then again from 4-5. The night before he was up from 3-5. During this time he's tired but I can't make him fall asleep. I rock and rock. And rock. And rock. And think that really, I must do sleep training again. But of course there's always something: developmental milestone, teething, a cold, a trip to France, teething again, another cold, and then he stands up in his crib and I don't know how to approach sleep training - mostly because he tries to stand up on his own, which means he doesn't hold on to the crib and falls backward. The mom whose baby shares a nanny with us told me to just start "ferberizing" him tonight. So we might.

I really do need to sleep. I need to find a piece of the old me. I don't want to be the "old" me: I have changed and acknowledge that. I just need to be able to care again, to focus, to be a good mom/wife/friend/employee. I'll let you know how that goes. Stay tuned for yet another post on sleep!

Thankful

2011-11-24T20:17:00.000-08:00

I try to remember to be thankful every day but sometimes routine and lack of sleep make me feel a bit frustrated. Today is a time to pause and reflect on all the reasons why I am grateful -and gives me a reason to make a list, and I LOVE making lists :)

- An amazing husband who is loving, kind, and patient, and our son Léo, our ray of sunshine. The best thing that has happened to us. Corny but true.

- Great family, including my in-laws (I really couldn't have wished for better in-laws) as well as a wonderful circle of close friends. I am so grateful for everyone of them for their insights, humor, intelligence, and role in my life.

- Materially, I am grateful for a roof over my head, food on the table every evening, all the amenities I want in my house.

- A job. I might complain about it, but it's a job, and generally a good one for an amazing cause -children's well being- and it has to be said, relatively good money.

- Good health. That is so important.

Overall I do have a pretty amazing life. I do complain. A lot. But I know that I am one lucky woman. I do not take that for granted.

All. Night. Long!

2011-11-19T17:20:00.001-08:00

I read on an awesome blog of something called 'humble bragging." It's when someone says, for instance "I looked like sh*t when I talked to George Clooney!" Yeah, you want to answer "STFU!". So I'm going to do that right here: Léo woke us up every hour last night because he's practicing lifting himself up in his sleep. I'm really not bragging, but because complaining about your kid's progress could be considered humble bragging at its best, I'm calling myself out!

A stranger in my own land

2011-11-18T11:14:00.000-08:00

For the first time since I've moved to the US 6 years ago I really felt like a stranger in France. This disconnect has really annoyed me. I guess that's what happens when you don't travel to your homeland for more than 2 years -and you become a mom in the meantime. French and US American cultures are not that different. We all enjoy a fairly good lifestyle and take pleasure in the same things. On a daily basis though little differences mean that French and Americans might find that they are actually quite different in how they think and interact with one another.

For instance before this trip I never found French people rude. This time, however, I got a sense of French flair right as I got off the plane in Paris. Air France doesn't let you get back the stroller you gate checked at the gate. You get it back at baggage claim. So I had Leo in the Ergo, a backpack, my carry on (with wheels, thank goodness), and his car seat + base. I seriously looked like a donkey. Do you think anyone would have asked to help? Nope. On the way back on the contrary 2 or 3 people asked whether they could help me. Right there is a big difference between our two cultures.

Then I went grocery shopping. The cashier was so slow and so rude. I couldn't believe it! And of course I knew it wouldn't be worth it to complain because that would go on deaf ears (I know, I was a cashier in this very supermarket). In another store, the 2 cashiers were talking together and very audibly sighed when they had to care for my purchases. Seriously? Tourists in France deal mainly with customer service representatives (and people in line who cut in front of you) -and I think that's why they think French are so rude. Because they are! However, French men are gentlemen who will open and hold doors for women. They don't even think twice about it. That's quite nice.

French people also don't like people too much. They love friends and family but they won't go out of their way for people they don't know. That means that new moms won't smile at new moms (I tried and moms looked at me like I wanted to steal their babies) and people don't say hi in the street. They might in little towns and villages but not in big cities. To be fair, I guess people don't greet each other in NYC either!

Another big difference is fashion. I knew I couldn't walk outside with tennis shoes so I brought one nice pair of shoes but they gave me blisters so I had to reverse back to my tennis shoes. I pretty much looked like I came from TrailerTrash Land. Every woman, even moms of newborns, was dressed really well. Hello new moms, there's something called yoga pants and you have the right to wear them until your baby is old enough to go to coll..., ok fine, to walk. In all seriousness, I bought a few clothes there but really wanted a lot more. I like how French women dress. Very classy and elegant, yet simple.

One other thing that French people have "over" Americans is their lifestyle. They enjoy taking their time. What is really annoying when you wait in line becomes actually nice when you have dinner or a drink in a cafe. French people love their vacation and generous leave -real maternity leave (doubled when you have twins, I have just learnt!). French people appreciate good food, good movies, good music, and good conversations. They're pretty hedonist in general.

As much as I felt disconnected, I would go back and live there in a heart beat. Well, not right now because of family and job issues (finding a job in France is way tougher than in the US, even in this economy), but maybe one day. I want to be able to walk to a bakery in the morning, to meet friends and see a good French movie, to watch good TV programs that don't require cable, to eat healthy food that doesn't cost that much to buy. Right now I feel very American. I like living here. I need to be ok with this -because until this trip I considered myself VERY French. Not so anymore. I guess I belong to both cultures now and just need to embrace this chance to know and love two countries for what they are.

7 Months

2011-11-18T10:36:00.001-08:00

Leo turned 7 months old last week. He is a very happy and energetic little boy! Here are a few things about him this month:

- He talks quite a lot and sometimes hums to himself, in particular in the car and when he's falling asleep. He says "babababa," "bwabwabwa," and "mamamama" though he doesn't equate this sound with me.
- He now complains when he doesn't get what he wants or when he doesn't want to nap. He pretends he cries but doesn't have any tears!
- He laughs a lot -when he's tickled, when we pretend-scare him, when we run to him, when we make silly faces. And he gets hiccups every time he laughs, without fail.
- He's always in a good mood.
- When he doesn't want to drink his bottle, all I have to do is pretend I'm drinking it and he suddenly wants his milk back. Same thing when he wants my Iphone. If I pretend to be on the phone with a toy, he'll want that instead. Very useful!
- He is so full of energy. He never sits still anymore! He crawls, climbs, and walks when held. He bangs on everything. Even when I rock him to sleep he asks to be rocked even faster.
- He is no longer breastfed. He doesn't care much for solids yet unless it's read food (cut red pepper, bread, croissants!).
- He doesn't sleep through the night. He doesn't need a pacifier anymore but is used to eating and being rocked upright before bed. We'll wean from middle of the night feedings and sleep train once he's over jetlag.
- His hair is starting to curl in the back and above his ears. It's so cute!
- He has 2 bottom teeth. It's really cute to see them when he smiles.
- He loves people! On the plane he relished all the attention he could get (above all the attention from old women who didn't understand I was trying to rock my baby. TO SLEEP). He stares at people until they smile at him and then he smiles back. He also still raises his eyebrows a la Joey in Friends ("Howya doin'?"). It's pretty funny when he does that to women in the elevator or at the store.
- The main thing lately is that he is trying to explore everything and wanting to be independent. However, he wants me to be close by. He explores around me. He clims over me to see what's behind me. He crawls somewhere and then comes back to me and wants to be held. I know it's normal and it's really interesting to see it happen right there in front of our eyes. I don't know how I feel about his becoming more independent but I love that he needs me to be his own little person.
- I love him so much. I love him more and more every day. He's so, so, so awesome. I sing to him at night to his mobile music and tell him how much I love him. Usually it goes like this "I love you more than life, I love you more than Twix (replaced by food, books, baths, wine). That's how much I love you baby!" ;)

That's it. Leo in a nutshell at this point in time. And I tried to take his 7-month pictures. Um, FAIL! But those pics really show how energetic and fun he is.

Soon

2011-11-16T21:05:00.000-08:00

I need to post about Léo's 7-month update and our trip to France. I have a lot to write and the thoughts are chaotic in my brain. It's hard to make these thoughts clear and write them down. Also I don't have much time to write right now. Expect 2 blog posts soon. Ish.

Bittersweet

2011-11-04T09:10:00.000-07:00

This week marks the end of breastfeeding and pumping for Léo and me. He stopped nursing during the day a couple of months ago and I almost exclusively pumped for a while. My milk production was already low by that point and the pumping-only made it worse. I pumped about 10 ounces a day, which means Léo had formula for the majority of his meals. He still nursed at night but even then I had to nurse him AND feed him formula because nursing alone was not enough to settle him. With the trip to France approaching, I thought it might be a good time to stop all together -I don't want to bring a pump there, though I am considering buying a hand pump, which right there tells you how ambivalent I am about this whole 100% formula thing. To be clear, I don't mind giving him 100% formula, but I feel weird knowing I *could* give him breastmilk. It feels like the milk I am producing is going to waste -all 2 ounces of it! So... I am not going to have one last nursing session because that would just make me cry (heck, I'm crying writing this post!). I might just pump less and less and let my body understand I don't need it to produce milk anymore. I am glad to be done with breastfeeding / pumping, so I don't know why I get all emotional thinking about quitting. Maybe it would have been different had Léo continued to nurse during the day but right now pumping 3/4 times to get 10 ounces seems like a waste of time and energy since he's doing really well with formula and solids.

Anyway, it's the end of an era in Léo's life -already! Now we move on to baby food and croissants. C'est la vie!

Baptism

2011-11-02T10:26:00.000-07:00

On October 30, 2011 at 11 am Léo was baptized in the catholic faith at St Therese Parish. It was a beautiful celebration -though to be honest I was so focused on what to do and not messing up anything that I didn't fully enjoy or remember it!

I really love baptisms at my church! The music is lively, the priest smiles at those children like you wouldn't believe, and the congregation really gets into applauding each new little member of the community.

Joe always told me that if we had a baby he wanted him/her baptized in the Catholic church -because he was baptized Catholic. That was obviously fine with me. Having this celebration in this particular church also means a lot since I LOVE my church. It's diverse, the priest is from Kenya, it's focused on social justice, and the music is terrific. I want Léo to grow up surrounded by people who care about him, who live the Gospel and care for others, and who are not afraid to open their arms to "the other" -another color, another sexual orientation, another income bracket, etc. I know baptizing children can be controversial. I didn't do it so that he's not a heathen anymore but for the wish to welcome him into a community of faith.

I am so grateful for the Godparents he has. Joe's best friend, Bryan, nominated himself as Godfather even before Léo was born! Joe and he have a beautiful friendship that has lasted since high school. Léo is lucky to have 2 awesome Godmothers who are great friends of mine -and colleagues, which means I get to hang out with them all the time!-, Lisa and Jen. Those two are godly, caring, funny, and will be great examples for Léo. All 3 of them will help raise Léo in the Catholic faith while being more than open to the idea that he might question everything -even his faith (the one he doesn't yet have!).

Léo was very calm throughout the mass and baptism, even when he got dunked 3 times in the pool -aka the hot tub! Actually we fed him after he got dunked and he fell asleep. Good news: our night time routine of bath-feed-sleep works! He must have thought "bath, check; food, check; time to sleep now!"

I am thankful for this celebration, for God's love, for his grace, and for my boy's precious life.

Before the dunk.

After the dunks. I love his naked body!!

Introduction to the community.

Tired after mass.

Parents and godparents. And teething baby!

Compassion for moms of the world

2011-10-22T21:49:00.000-07:00

When I was pregnant I cried often. Ok, I cried all the time. I watched a dumb TV show where women gave birth and I cried. One birth, one big cup of tears. At church when baptisms were being celebrated, I bawled. It always had to do with babies. I thought it was the hormones. Ha. Haha. Hahaha. Nope. 6 months after delivery and here I am, still crying whenever I read/hear something joyous or tragic about babies.

It's normal. I am a mom. I can really empathize with other moms' joys and pains. Before I felt bad for them, but now I feel their pain in my heart. It's difficult because I want to hear about sad stories -so I cry a lot. I want my heart to be broken. I want my eyes to be open so that I do something to help others. Two examples of this have been particularly striking lately:
- Last week the USAID administrator, Dr Raj Shah, came to my place of work and told us of a woman he met at a feeding center in Somalia who had to choose which child she would carry to the center because she was too frail to carry both. Thought Sophie's Choice was literature? Think again. It happens every day. Can you imagine how tragic (for lack of a more powerful word) it must be to have to choose between your children and leave one behind?
- Today I watched a documentary called A Precious Life about an Israeli doctor who tries to save a Palestinian 4.5 month old baby. When the mom is told at first that no one matches her son for a bone marrow transplant, the look in her eyes and the way she looks at her baby's hands, like she's seeing them for the first and last time, is almost too painful to watch. That story is also so difficult because it takes place in a country that hasn't known peace in more than 50 years and where both parties have a legitimate right to exist -I am not going to get political here and will leave it at that. It was wonderful to see how two people who could hate each other ended up talking to each other, laughing together, hugging, and sharing a slice of life. At the same time, the documentary is a good reminder, if one needs such a thing, that life is fragile, that so many people live with little to no health care and that babies die every day for preventable reasons. It's also a good reminder that peace starts at the individual level.

I realize how fortunate I am to be born in France and for my son to be born in the US in an upper middle class environment. I realize how lucky I am that he's healthy and growing normally. As a matter of fact, he woke up and cried while I was writing this post. As I held him, rocked him, nursed him, kissed him, I thanked God for his good health. It's so easy to think about Somalia, the DRC, Afghanistan or Gaza as places so politically messed up that peace seems too far fetched to imagine. But when you get at individual level, when you think about the lives of mothers, fathers, brothers, children and what they go through day in and day out, then you have to want to do something, anything, to help. Personal plug in... If you want to do something about the famine in Africa, it's still time to give to the Ask 5 for 5 Campaign. Your funds will be matched once by a generous donor AND five times more by World Vision. That means that $5 is turned into $35 right there and then! Whatever the cause that makes your heart ache... do something!

Attitude Adjustment

2011-10-20T20:42:00.001-07:00

I have been feeling so whiny lately, so I have decided to write ONE post in which I complain about everything I can think about and then be more positive. Here goes:

I am going to France in November. I am really excited about it because I'm going re-introduce Leo (smiling, babbling, not screaming all the time) to his French family. Also he's going to hear French 100% for a whole week and that makes me so happy. However, I am concerned about the flight, his sleep schedule, and sharing time between my mom and dad's houses.

I am still exhausted because Leo doesn't sleep well. Actually (please do not let this jinx the whole thing!!) he has been waking up only once for the past 2 night. AMENHALLELUIA! I hope it's a trend and not an exception. Still, I'm tired. I have taken on so many night-time responsibilities since Leo was born. His first night and the first weeks after that Joe slept soundly through the night while I was figuring out breastfeeding and his schedule. After that Joe wanted to help but I always refused. Even now he has to tell me "I'm getting up, stay down" otherwise I get up. I don't know why I do that -acting like such a hero/martyr. Waking up in the middle of the night and being exhausted is not getting me any brownie points. There is no glory in being so exhausted that you bump into walls and can't think straight. Yet, here I am, thinking I'm being sooo awesome because I get up all the time AND expecting Joe to see that really I am such a good mom for sacrificing so much sleep for Leo. Uh. I need to stop thinking like this and give Joe a chance to get up in the middle of the night, put Leo to bed, and share in the pain.

While I admire Joe for going back to school and am thrilled about the opportunities having a MBA will bring to his life, I'm a little annoyed that I spend so much time solo parenting. Joe is a great dad, no doubt about this. On Monday and Wednesday nights -and whenever he has to study- I still find myself resenting the fact that *I* have to parent alone for a while. I should just take an hour for myself every week instead of being so bitter -again!- about the "sacrifices" I make. Now I know I'm a mom and that right there means you don't get to go to Target or Barnes whenever you want to. As a wife I need to be supportive of Joe's schedule and need to spend a lot of time studying. I think it'd be easier if I had family around because I could just spend hours with them (or drop Leo off and go to Target and Barnes!). Maybe I should just call up friends and spend a couple of hours with them on weekends. That way it won't feel so lonely anymore.

I feel that my interest in work and career is rising again but I am frustrated because my skills are not easily transferable and competition is fierce. I am a generalist and I would love to be a specialist -and have no idea how to get from point A to point B without some field or grad school experience. At the same time, I want to work part time (eventually maybe not at all when we have 2 kids), which means putting my career on hold for a bit. The two ideas -wanting to do more with my career / wanting to help more kids and wanting to stay home with Leo- conflict greatly in my mind right now.

I feel fat. I'm the same weight as I was 3 weeks after Leo's birth. I need to get my butt to the gym and lose the cellulite that's building up on my butt, thighs, and belly. Uh, gross.

Ok, I think that's it. There, it's all written down. That felt good. Now I can do something about my issues or shut my mouth. Good, let's move on!

Excuse My French.

2011-10-17T13:56:00.000-07:00

I need a serious mouth washing. With soap and all. I usually think cussing is pretty funny. In particular I love using the phrases I learn in Dexter (thanks, Debra Morgan!). But I need to stop. First I cuss like a mad woman in front of Leo, which is not really fine. Second, I am not all mentally there these days and have cussed in 2 very unfortunate situations -both using my phone while driving. I guess I need to stop more than one bad habit!
#1- I left a voicemail to a doctor, in which I was super polite and jolly. 5 seconds after I hang up, a man cut in front of me and started driving 5 miles an hour. I was late. I was pissed. So I cussed him. Problem is... I never actually hung up the phone, so the doc must have heard an earful of not so friendly words. Uh.
#2 - Today again I phoned another doctor to say I was running late -I am ALWAYS late these days! A woman almost drove into my car and I had a slight brain fart, during which I forgot I was on the phone and yelled "F you." Uh, sh*t.

This is embarrassing. I really need to stop cussing so much!

Update on sleep training

2011-10-16T18:22:00.000-07:00

I feel like an addict who's always pushing the date s/he will stop using to "tomorrow!" I am pushing sleep training back to later this week for 2 reasons: Joe is in school on Monday and Wednesday and I don't think I can do it alone; and Léo is getting shots tomorrow -again, I don't know that I'll be able to do sleep training alone with a baby who might be fussy from the shots and who is currently teething.

So... Thursday it is. I'll update you then.

Today he refused to nap after 1:30 so he fell asleep while drinking his last bottle at 6PM. No sleep training needed anyway. Good thing!

Sleep Training.

2011-10-15T19:33:00.000-07:00

My baby is crying. Tonight we're doing sleep training again. Be still my heart. Be still, my feet. This is the hardest thing to hear -above all because Léo never cries. But I really don't know what else to do. I'm at a loss.

We tried sleep training once and I botched it big time. A month ago maybe I couldn't handle being up in the middle of the night for hours at a time so I decided that this was it, sleep training had to start. I gathered advise from my friends who had done it and we started with the Ferber method -you let your child cry but check on him every 5/7/10/15 minutes. We decided to go and check on him every 5 minutes. The first night, he cried for 50 minutes. Joe checked on him and I finally picked him up and rocked him until he was drowsy -at that point I put him back to bed. That is called "pick up, put down" or PUPD in the baby-friendly acronym lingo. The second night he cried for 30 minutes and 20 minutes the 3rd night. After that, I don't know. I might have stopped sleep training right there. The pick ups became more frequent and I put him down sleepier and sleepier. Sleep training was officially a bust. He keeps on waking in the middle of the night for hours at a time and I keep on wishing I knew what to do.

For the past few nights it has become worse. That might be because he's teething, but that might also be because he's 6 months old and understand that crying will get us to him bedroom stat. It's taken a long time to put him back to bed in the middle of the night and tonight he flat out refused to be rocked or to be put down in his crib. My over tired baby wanted to play! So that's it: we're doing sleep training again. Joe told me to take a walk, but it's cold and dark outside. I might watch something on Netflix with headphones on. Uh. I just don't know what else to do. I have tried rocking, patting, feeding, shushing, walking. Nothing seems to work. So Ferber method, here we come. Again.

I heard somewhere that ALL sleep training methods works as long as parents are consistent. So let's try to be.

Have you dealt with sleep issues? What worked?

The Shift

2011-10-10T12:39:00.000-07:00

For about 2 weeks now I have really enjoyed spending time with Leo. I liked spending time with him before but was equally happy to leave him with the nanny or at day care because I felt they could take care of him as well as, if not better than, I could. I was so focused on his nap schedule that anxiety took over and I could not enjoy time with him without thinking "he should be sleeping right now. When will he sleep? Is he going to be messed up later because he doesn't sleep now? Is he going to have a bad night because he's not napping?" That was becoming slightly annoying. And then I stopped worrying. I saw a therapist specialized in post-partum anxiety to talk about it and she said that I should spend more time with Leo because the more you do something the less anxious you become (this is totally NOT true of flying on an airplane, lemme tell you) and she also said that Leo would be fine and would make up for short naps during the night or the next day. Duh. For some reason, the fact that an "expert" explained this to me clicked, and I have felt liberated. I am now enjoying time with Leo 100%. I don't think about naps too much and I don't fret about his future intelligence. I think this has made a difference in the way he interacts with me as well. Before, I felt he really wanted to spend time with Joe whereas now he seeks me out to rest and play. I also notice little things that I didn't notice before, like the way he holds on to me when I carry him or play with him. He might be independent and not that cuddly but he always has a hand on me while he explores and plays. I feel like Sally Field did when she received her Oscar: "You really like me!!"

I am really taking advantage of this new relationship and the fact that I can be alone with him without stressing. I still have a little bit of anxiety on Mondays and Wednesdays when Joe is at school, but the past week was fine and I'm sure anxiety will subside. Right now I'm working (and blogging. Ahem) in my bedroom while Leo is in the living room... and I miss him! I just want to tell the nanny to go home so that I can spend more time with my boy. It just feels so good to be able to really focus on him and enjoy him fully.

6 Months!

2011-10-09T10:21:00.000-07:00

Happy half birthday to my sweet boy!! I cannot believe he's 6 months! It's like the Holy Grail of babyhood: you're done with exclusive breastfeeding (pat on the back from me to me, he's still breastfed, though not quite exclusively).

A few milestones reached:

- He says "babababa" which is really super cute because you can see how his brain works to make the sound.

- He sits up alone.

- He has a pretty regular schedule during the night: he wakes at 11:30 and 2:30 to feed and wakes up at 6 o'clock. Most nights he stays up for 45' after either feeding. Oy.

- He loves the jumparoo. We sing to him and he jumps in rhythm.

- He's trying to crawl by lifting his butt but he doesn't understand that he needs to move his knees.

- He is a great car napper -which is awesome since he sleeps on the way to and from day care.

I can't wait to see what this month brings -food, for one!

6 weeks.

6 months.

And We're Back!

2011-10-02T20:29:00.000-07:00

We're almost all moved in. Boxes are cleared and clothes folded. Now we have to decorate the walls and find a place for my books. We also have to buy a new table and chairs as well as a desk for me to work and Joe to study.

Joe went back to school... and he's staying enrolled! One class is really fascinating to me: leadership and evidence-based management. I'm reading his material with interest. The other two classes are stats and econ. I won't be looking at these books anytime soon. We still need to figure out a routine for our week -when he studies, when I can have a bit of time to breathe, when I cook (well, yes). I think it's going to be fine. I just have to stop thinking about his graduation date (Dec 2013. Aaargh. Léo will almost be 3 years old. WHAT?!?) and take it one day at a time.

Léo has been such a ham lately. He understands that we might be around even when he can't see us, so he's looking for us all the time and is so happy when he finally spots us. Tonight I was taking a shower and he was on the bedroom bed. I could see him peek in the bathroom to see me and he had a huge grin on his face every time I said hi. It's nice to have these moments when he looks for us. It makes up for the fact that he's not cuddly at all anymore! I long for hugs and kisses, but he's into discovering the world around him and bouncing. I'm sure the time for hugs will come back. I am really trying to enjoy his still being a baby because I know I'll regret this phase when he's 2 or 3 years old.

Today he said "ba-ba-ba-ba" repeatedly. Yay, he's beginning to talk!! He has such a cute face when he says baba. And then he laughs because he sees us laugh and smile so much -and clap, but that stops him dead in his tracks, so we don't do that too much. I am dumbly so proud of him for saying this syllable. I mean, it's normal for babies to say that, but I still feel super happy that he's saying it repeatedly. He makes my heart burst with love, this boy!

For the past 2 nights he's woken up only once to eat and he hasn't been up for an hour (usually 3 to 4) like he's used to. He just eats and goes back to bed. I pray this will stay this way for a while. It feels good to not dread the nights. I remember when I was pregnant reading about a friend whose 5 month old baby still woke up in the middle of the night. Oh how judgmental I was! I told myself I would follow the baby wise method and would never allow my baby to wake up throughout the night after 12 weeks. Ha. Haha. Hahaha. We're at 25 weeks and I'm happy he only wakes up once. Having a baby is one great lesson in humility.

I feel that not much is going on but my calendar is full. It seems that the weeks zoom by. I am making an effort to document what Léo is doing and to pause to see him grow, but it still feels that time if flying by. Maybe that's what happens when you're a parent. One friend said "the days are long but the years are short." It is so true. Some days are so slooow but then the weeks and months seem to pass by too fast. So I'm trying to slow down and enjoy each moment.

Gah I sound so Carpe Diem-y. Next thing you know I'll be on a chair saying "Oh Captain my Captain!"

Busy!

2011-09-25T20:51:00.000-07:00

We have been quite busy this past week as we found an apartment and have to pack and move by Wednesday -when Joe goes back to school. The movers are actually coming tomorrow, so we spent a lot of time organizing and packing this weekend. Léo has had a very spotty nap schedule lately (i.e., he only took an hour nap on Friday and about 2 smallish naps yesterday and today) and still wakes up at least 3 times during the night (sometimes up to an hour at a time - I botched sleep training, which will be the topic of a post soon) so this packing in a hurry thing was a tad stressful and tiring. My brain has never been so scattered!

Our former downstairs neighbors visited this weekend, which was really great! We lived in a duplex last year. They went back to Texas at the end of June and we've been missing them since. It has been good to spend time with them.

I'm off tomorrow to finish packing. Léo will be at someone else's house -the person we nanny share with. I'll have a couple of hours in the morning to pack Léo's room. We want to pack it last and unpack it first so that he's not too distressed with living in another apartment.

Between the move and Joe's going back to school, I pray everything goes well this week. Expect updates and pictures soon.

A hungry child can't wait: Ask 5 for 5

2011-09-19T08:42:00.000-07:00

Guest Blogger: Sarah Lenssen from #Ask5for5

Family photos by Mike Fiechtner Photography

Thank you Living Ubuntu and nearly 150 other bloggers from around the world for allowing me to share a story with you today, during Social Media Week.

A hungry child in East Africa can't wait. Her hunger consumes her while we decide if we'll respond and save her life. In Somalia, children are stumbling along for days, even weeks, on dangerous roads and with empty stomachs in search of food and water. Their crops failed for the third year in a row. All their animals died. They lost everything. Thousands are dying along the road before they find help in refugee camps.
At my house, when my three children are hungry, they wait minutes for food, maybe an hour if dinner is approaching. Children affected by the food crisis in Ethiopia, Kenya, and Somalia aren't so lucky. Did you know that the worst drought in 60 years is ravaging whole countries right now, as you read this? Famine, a term not used lightly, has been declared in Somalia. This is the world's first famine in 20 years.12.4 million people are in need of emergency assistance and over 29,000 children have died in the last three months alone. A child is dying every 5 minutes. It it estimated that 750,000 people could die before this famine is over. Take a moment and let that settle in.

The media plays a major role in disasters. They have the power to draw the attention of society to respond--or not. Unfortunately, this horrific disaster has become merely a footnote in most national media outlets. News of the U.S. national debt squabble and the latest celebrity's baby bump dominate headlines. That is why I am thrilled that nearly 150 bloggers from all over the world are joining together today to use the power of social media to make their own headlines; to share the urgent need of the almost forgotten with their blog readers. Humans have the capacity to care deeply for those who are suffering, but in a situation like this when the numbers are too huge to grasp and the people so far away, we often feel like the little we can do will be a drop in the ocean, and don't do anything at all.

When news of the famine first hit the news in late July, I selfishly avoided it. I didn't want to read about it or hear about it because I knew I would feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable. I wanted to protect myself. I knew I would need to do something if I knew what was really happening. You see, this food crisis is personal. I have a 4-year-old son and a 1 yr-old daughter who were adopted from Ethiopia and born in regions now affected by the drought. If my children still lived in their home villages, they would be two of the 12.4 million. My children: extremely hungry and malnourished? Gulp. I think any one of us would do anything we could for our hungry child. But would you do something for another mother's hungry child?

My friend and World Vision staffer, Jon Warren, was recently in Dadaab Refugee Camp in Kenya--the largest refugee camp in the world with over 400,000 people. He told me the story of Isnino Siyat, 22, a mother who walked for 10 days and nights with her husband, 1 yr-old-baby, Suleiman, and 4 yr.-old son Adan Hussein, fleeing the drought in Somalia. When she arrived at Dadaab, she built the family a shelter with borrowed materials while carrying her baby on her back. Even her dress is borrowed. As she sat in the shelter on her second night in camp she told Jon, "I left because of hunger. It is a very horrible drought which finished both our livestock and our farm." The family lost their 5 cows and 10 goats one by one over 3 months, as grazing lands dried up. "We don't have enough food now...our food is finished. I am really worried about the future of my children and myself if the situation continues."

Will you help a child like Baby Suleiman? Ask5for5 is a dream built upon the belief that you will.

That something I knew I would need to do became a campaign called #Ask5for5 to raise awareness and funds for famine and drought victims. The concept is simple, give $5 and ask five of your friends to give $5, and then they each ask five of their friends to give $5 and so on--in nine generations of 5x5x5...we could raise $2.4 Million! In one month, over 750 people have donated over $25,000! I set up a fundraiser at See Your Impact and 100% of the funds will go to World Vision, an organization that has been fighting hunger in the Horn of Africa for decades and will continue long after this famine has ended. Donations can multiply up to 5 times in impact by government grants to help provide emergency food, clean water, agricultural support, healthcare, and other vital assistance to children and families suffering in the Horn.

I need you to help me save lives. It's so so simple; here's what you need to do:

Donate $5 or more on this page (http://seeyourimpact.org/members/ask5for5)

Send an email to your friends and ask them to join us.

Share #Ask5for5 on Facebook and Twitter!

I'm looking for another 100 bloggers to share this post on their blogs throughout Social Media Week. Email me at ask5for5@gmail.com if you're interested in participating this week.

A hungry child doesn't wait. She doesn't wait for us to finish the other things on our to-do list, or get to it next month when we might have a little more money to give. She doesn't wait for us to decide if she's important enough to deserve a response. She will only wait as long as her weakened little body will hold on...please respond now and help save her life. Ask 5 for 5.

Thank you on behalf of all of those who will be helped--you are saving lives and changing history.

p.s. Please don't move on to the next website before you donate and email your friends right now. It only takes 5 minutes and just $5, and if you're life is busy like mine, you probably won't get back to it later. Let's not be a generation that ignores hundreds of thousands of starving people, instead let's leave a legacy of compassion. You have the opportunity to save a life today!

Sept 11th, 10 years after

2011-09-11T20:59:00.000-07:00

10 years ago the most virulent attack on American ground shook the world for the worst. Everybody will remember what they were doing when they learnt the news just as our grandparents remember what they were doing when they heard that JFK had been shot. I was at my parents' home on a day off from my summer job. I had been working on my thesis about American action heroes in movies and had watched all movies with Willis, Stallone, and Schwarzenegger. I turned on the TV in the middle of the afternoon and saw one tower burning. I just thought "Die Hard is on" and switched the channel, only to find that EVERY channel had the same images and that they were definitely not from a movie (in my defense, if you watch Die Hard, you'll find similarities). I watched, incredulous, as the towers fell and as the previously aired shots of the planes crashing into the towers were played over and over again.

Because I am not American, these events didn't shake me to the core -what they did do for sure was instill a terrible fear of flying in my system. I analyzed the event with a detached political science background and to this day cannot imagine what you Americans went through that day. I try to imagine terrorists attacking Paris with that brutality, and frankly my mind goes blank. That's just too much violence and hatred to fathom.

This morning while walking to church I heard a mom say "I don't know whether they had killed the pilot first, sweetie" and thought I was lucky that I didn't have to explain what had happened to Léo. It must be so difficult to tell your children about this. The homily this morning reminded us that Jesus told us to forgive 7 times 70 times and that we should all remember 9/11 by doing something good for our community and the world. When Léo is old enough to ask questions, I hope I'll be able to tell him what happened but also encourage him to make the world a better place and to be kind to others, always.

I have empathy for what you and your country have been through. I hope the war on terror will end soon. I hope 9/11 will stop being used as an excuse to refuse to understand other peoples and religions. I pray that those who lost someone in the attacks will heal and find beauty in the memories of those they have lost.

5 months!

2011-09-10T20:16:00.000-07:00

Léo is now 5 months old. I see him grow day after day and he's becoming a really fun boy to be around. Two nights ago I stood next to his crib and watched him sleep. He just looked so small. It reminded me that even though he seems to learn something new everyday, understands us better, develops a sense of humor, etc, he's still just a baby. He's my baby. I said that when he was about 6 weeks old and it still applies: he's already 5 months old, yet he's only 5 months old.

He has changed SO much in a month!

- He loves to laugh with his dad. He also loves being "thrown" in the air. He has a super cute laugh.

- He has found and constantly eats his feet.

- He loves to try to hold his bottles. He doesn't really like to nurse during the day anymore so I've had to pump and bottle feed him a lot. At times I use TV as a way to hold his attention so that he finishes his bottles.

- His sleep has really changed. He now sleeps in his crib, unswaddled. At night he wakes up twice to feed -at 1 and 4 (no more 11 feedings, I think). After 4 he has a really hard time falling back asleep. He doesn't take long naps anymore. He needs to be rocked to sleep -well if we sleep trained him he would not need to be rocked, but we haven't started that yet.

- He "talks" a bit more -i.e., he grunts less. He loves talking to Piper.

- He drools TONS.

- He grabs everything and puts everything in his mouth.

- We fed him oatmeal cereal and bananas but he didn't care for either.

- He can sit and stand if we support him. He's still pretty immobile, which is nice since our home is not baby proof at all!

- He smiles a lot. At everybody.

He still rocks my world every day. I love this little boy so much!

Delight!

2011-09-07T21:51:00.000-07:00

Joe and Léo have a fantastic relationship. I have already written that Joe would be a great stay-at-home dad. He is dedicated and relishes every second he spends with his son. Likewise, if Léo knows that Joe is in the house but can't see him, he will look for him until Joe is back in the room. If I nurse him and he hears his dad, he will stop, look for him, and grin -and then won't nurse again and I have to pump, but that's another story! Joe is the one person who can make Léo laugh and squeal in delight. I love seeing them together. Tonight Joe left for 4 days and we're going to miss him. I can't wait for him to get back to see my boy giggle like this again:

(this video is loading up in a weird way. You have to play with your mouse and "find" the play button somewhere near the video screen to play the video. Sometimes it's above the play button and sometimes it's below it. Go figure...)

I see the light!

2011-09-06T21:40:00.001-07:00

It's amazing how fast habits change in the life of an infant.

We moved Léo from his co-sleeper in our bedroom to his crib in his bedroom on Friday. That night was an epic failure and he spent most of the time in our bed. Well, it was a failure because he didn't sleep well in his bed but it was nice to spend the night so close to him. On Saturday, he had sort of a rough time falling asleep but then slept from 8p-1a. On Sunday he also slept well -from 8p to 2a- but had a really difficult time falling asleep, so much so that I had to take a little breather before realizing he was just hot and hungry. After we put the A/C on and fed him he fell asleep within 5 minutes. Duh. Tonight I was bracing myself for another rough time rocking him to sleep but I put him in his crib and he fell asleep. Right there and then! It's been 3 hours and he hasn't moved. He finally found a position that he likes -which means he's not rolling over all the time. He still wakes himself up from 4-6 and then wants to play and talk and eat his feet, but he now sleeps pretty well from the time he goes to bed to 1-2 for a feeding and then again until about 4.

I don't want to jinx anything, but I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel-of-no-sleep!! JOY!

Comfort Gesture

2011-08-27T19:15:00.000-07:00

I noticed that Léo scratches his head when he's tired. I thought that was really cute. Then tonight while rocking him to sleep (yes, I have to rock him to sleep these days), I did what I always do at night when he nurses: I pass one hand in circles through his hair. I do that as a way to be comforting to him even though I don't talk to him during the night. Only tonight did I put 2 and 2 together: he's scratching his head the way I caress his hair at night.

My baby boy has copied this night time habit and made it his to comfort himself when he's tired. That's so sweet!

4 Months Stats

2011-08-26T12:37:00.000-07:00

Leo had his 4-month appointment today. He is 26 inches tall and weighs 15 pounds. He got his shots and was not happy about it. I'm still a super happy camper because I could answer YES to all the questions the doctor asked (does he grab things, does he smile, does he laugh, does he blow bubbles) and because he recommended we start cereals to make him gain a bit of weight -he's at 25% for weight but 50-75% for height. I'm beyond excited to start solids!!! Watch out Martha, Immana make my own baby food. Well, you know, as long as it's pureed stuff, we should be fine. Yay!

The New Normal

2011-08-24T13:08:00.001-07:00

Before I became a mom one of my colleagues said "once you're used to something, it'll change. Or something else will come up. Nothing will remain the same for more than a few weeks." This has proven so true in the last few weeks.

Léo has always been a sleepy head. When he was born he spent about 20 hours per day sleeping. He could take 4 or even 5-hour naps during the day. As recently as a few weeks ago, he was only awake for about 6 hours per day (he took a 3-hour nap in the morning, followed by roughly 2 2-hour naps in the afternoon). That little boy could pack on the zzzzzs. That has dramatically changed lately because of his new schedule at day care. He still takes a long nap in the morning, but his afternoon naps are all over the place. He usually only takes one nap, lasting from 1 to 2 hours max. That means that he's a tiiiired little boy in the evening. He's a bit fussy, a bit less smiling, doesn't look at us because he's too exhausted for stimulation, and needs to go to bed between 6:30 and 7:30.

That's our new normal. I barely see him now -the 40 minute commute each way doesn't count as we can't really interact. When we get home at 6, I nurse him and then Joe and I have anywhere from no time to 30 minutes before we start his night time routine. I'm not sure I like this new normal yet. I know it's what all working moms go through. I will adapt. So will he.

Sorry this blog has taken on a very complain-y tone lately. This is part of the adaptation. I promise to be more cheerful soon!

Cut out to be a (SAH) mother?

2011-08-16T21:14:00.000-07:00

First let me wish a happy birthday to my sweet husband. He is such a good life partner and an even greater dad. He loves Léo so much, wants to hold him all the time, never gets impatient, and can make him laugh like no one else can. Happy birthday, my love.

I wrote this post, published it, and took it back. I'm hesitant to talk about the topic of motherhood because, well, I am now a mother and I don't want anyone to think that I regret being one or that I'd rather do something else with my life. I love being a mom. I love Leo. I am just... not 100% mother -who is, right? I just hope this post is not misunderstood. Anyway, I decided to publish after all, so here goes:

Joe was cut out to be a dad. He wanted to be a dad before he was 30. When we were talking about my trip to Africa, we had a deal that I would stop birth control after I came back -he was already 30 when I left. He has always wanted children. And boy, he was not joking. He's been such a great dad. He would be a great stay-at-home dad. He takes pleasure in every little thing Léo does, doesn't stress about Léo's upbringing, and you can tell on his face that he just loves every minute he spends with his son.

Me? Not so much. Don't get me wrong. I love Léo with all my heart and soul. I would do anything for him. I could cry I love him so much. However, I was not exactly the happiest person on earth when that test came back positive. I had big plans for my life -a year in Cambodia, maybe going back to school. (Léo, if you read that one day, know that I had doubt for all of 2 weeks before embracing pregnancy. Don't you dare use it as an excuse to be a pain in the butt, punk!). Needless to say, those plans are on hold indefinitely. I am now focused on being a good mom. That being said, I don't feel that I could be a good stay-at-home mom. Sometimes I even wonder whether I am cut to be a mother, period. There, I said it. As much as I want to spend more time with my boy, I am not sure I would be the best person to raise him 100% of the time. This might be due to the fact that I always question myself and the way I raise him. That's tiring. Knowing that other people are taking care of him during the day allows me to take a breather and not make my brain smoke because of too many questions. I don't necessarily enjoy working and I feel that being a SAHM would allow me that: to not work anymore. Gasp! The main reason I want to stay home has nothing to do with the pull I feel to be a good mother. That's why the best option right now would be to work part time: I would have time for my career, would not question my decisions with Léo all the time, yet I would spend more time with Léo. I think I'd like to spend all my time with him when he's a bit older. I probably will feel better about my choices once he and I can communicate better. I know questioning oneself is parenthood 101, but right now I couldn't handle always thinking that I am not good enough for him. I'm happy to let other people be good enough. I'll take over in a little while...

Someone is rolling over!

2011-08-15T18:48:00.000-07:00

Immobility (aka "don't move, mommy will be right back!"), begone! That also means we have to get rid of the swaddle. Oy. He's trying to fall asleep as I type and it's not going too well.

Challenge for the Year

2011-08-15T09:22:00.000-07:00

Blog challenge, that is. I created another blog to record this coming year, one photo per day. I am guessing these photos will mostly be shot with my Iphone, so don't expect high quality! I am hoping this blog will become a keepsake for Leo, since I'm guessing the blog will be, oh, 90% focused on him!

It should be an interesting and fun year!

Ask 5 for 5 (and help starving people in the Horn of Africa)

2011-08-14T15:42:00.000-07:00

So here is the deal. When something as tragic as the drought in the Horn of Africa hits, it's hard to know what to do. Sarah, whom I mentioned in a previous post, is the brain and inspiration behind a movement that could change and SAVE thousands of lives. Her concept is simple: donate $5 (just $5!) and ask 5 friends to do the same -they donate and ask 5 friends to donate and pass the word, etc. After 9 iterations, the funds raised total about 2 million dollars. Yup, MILLION!

Please, consider donating and telling your friends about this movement. Post it on Facebook or Twitter, write emails, talk about it at work. We have the power to "do something about it."

http://seeyourimpact.org/members/ask5for5/

4 months

2011-08-09T20:33:00.000-07:00

Goodness! Léo is already 4 months old. Today was his first full day at day care. He did awesome. I didn't do so well. Fortunately my great friend Lisa dropped her son at the same time and gave me a bear hug while I dried my tears, put on a smile, and wished Léo a good day. He was so tired when I got him back that he fell asleep in the car and only stayed awake for an hour after we got home. So this is how it's going to be from now on... I'll see him a little in the morning, a little in the car (2 hours+ of commute. Poor little guy!) and a little in the evening. Oh and then twice during the night, but that doesn't really count. He will spend between 11 and 12 hours outside of the house every time he goes to day care. I know this is what all working parents have to go through but it is really frustrating. I miss my baby!

Recap of this month:

- His eyes are starting to be green. They're still beautiful.
- He now only blows bubbles as a comfort mechanism, when he's tired or stressed. He doesn't really coo but grunts a bunch.
- He smiles all the time. He laughs a lot, too -mainly at Joe when he makes silly dance moves and when we raise him in the air and bring him down super fast. It's so cute to see him stare at Joe and wait for him to make him laugh. He has hiccups every time he laughs.
- He's great at grabbing stuff and putting everything in his mouth (or his eyes, when he misses his target!). That is true of my face, which he loves to eat (see video after picture). I brag that he likes kissing me, but in reality he might just be hungry. You can see him grab his hand at one point, as if he needed to suck on something. I don't know whether he knows what a kiss is at this point -though I kiss him 10 times per minute so by now he should know what it is!!
- He's discovered the dogs. He loves trying to grab them.
- He almost rolls over from back to front but he doesn't know what to do with his arms so he gets stuck. He hasn't rolled from front to back in ages. This almost rolling over thing is annoying at night when he's swaddled. I think the swaddle days are almost over, unfortunately.
- He drinks from bottles without a problem and wakes up 2 to 3 times per night. He drinks a bit of formula each day so that his stomach gets used to it -though a couple of weeks ago he didn't poop for 11 days, which was a bit scary. Yes, I have become one of those moms who talk about poop shamelessly!
- He's starting to love books. I like reading "I love you through and through" and "Whoever you are."
- He's still super mellow and really easy going.

We love him so much!!!

New Eyes (for East Africa)

2011-08-07T17:02:00.001-07:00

Never before had images of starving kids impacted me as much as they do now. Of course now I see with a mother's eyes. What is happening in the Horn of Africa is terrible. More than 30,000 children under 5 may have died. I never know what to do to help when something like this happens -coming from someone who works in development, this might sound strange, but true. Fortunately, Sarah -who is a friend and colleague- wants to do something and will tell us about her plans soon. I will share them here. Babies dying are always tragic, but it's worse when the cause of death can and should be prevented. Seeing images of mothers bringing their dying children to feeding centers is unbearable. I know it's hard to choose which issue to focus on when there is so much injustice in the world. I don't expect everybody to be interested in the famine in Africa. But right now, this is one issue I want to focus on because, as selfish as it sounds, I can relate.

A Few Thoughts About Work

2011-08-06T22:33:00.000-07:00

The first week of work after maternity leave has come and gone. It was not as bad as I thought it would be, mainly because Joe and his mom took care of Léo. The hardest part of last week was actually letting go of thinking that I am the only person who knows exactly what Léo needs and being ok with having other people make decisions about his daily activities / sleep schedule. Work was all right. Of course the highlight of the week was seeing my friends again and being able to go by their cubes and chat. The low point was probably realizing that I might be doing this job for a few years.

Indeed, it seems that my supervisors have very clear ideas about who can get promoted. It's not necessarily "who" actually but "what it takes." In my case, 2 years abroad. I don't have that on my resume nor will I in the next few years. This means that at this point my career is at a stand still. This could be ok, but I realized last week that I don't love my job so much that I can stay put for a couple of years. Before going back to work, I gave much consideration to a part time option but decided against it because I thought this schedule would not make me a good candidate for promotion -also because my boss thought PT would not be ideal. Now I realize I am not going to be promoted anyway unless I apply for a job outside of my department. This is annoying. I like having goals and putting plans in place to advance. I feel stuck right now in a job that does pay well but doesn't really fulfill me anymore. I know my main focus needs to be on Léo and not on career at this time -but that makes me question even more the validity of going back full time.

I have always considered myself a driven person. I think I am still driven and ambitious -I say I think because I haven't focused on this topic for a while now. I want a career, but I don't want a job that just pays the bill. I could stay home with Léo -our budget would be tight but we could make it work- so work must/should be meaningful and fulfilling. Working for a humanitarian organization IS meaningful of course, but I somehow need to know that what I do is worth it, that I am leaving Léo in the care of someone else (for a quarter to half of my salary) for a good reason. This might sound whiny. Maybe my thoughts about work are very critical right now because leaving my baby to someone else is not easy and going back to some dreadful aspects of my job really annoyed me this last week.

Of course I won't make any drastic decision for a while. I will not consider any changes until Joe decides what he wants to do about school. I will however be thinking about what an optimal situation would look like -what would make me feel good about the fact that I work and leave Léo to day care- and about steps to achieve that goal. In the meantime, I will be a diligent worker and will look for opportunities to work on projects which I enjoy the most.

Sorry this post is not clearly structured. These thoughts are obviously quite new and I haven't had time to process them completely, if at all. I just needed to share what this week has brought up in terms of priorities and preferences.

Finding God in the Mundane

2011-08-05T13:53:00.000-07:00

In an email to a friend, I told her I haven't opened a Bible or prayed in months. Here is what she emailed back:

'You know, in some stages of life, such as in the early days of motherhood, etc. sometimes prayer is looking at your baby's hand and thanking God for the wonder and tenderness of His care and image in this precious child. That prayer of the heart...cherishing God in the day-to-day life of motherhood...IS devotion and prayer.'

That warmed my heart. God in Léo's hand... So evident, yet so good to hear.

7-Year Cycle

2011-08-03T15:18:00.000-07:00

I thought that the year I was 16 was the best year of my life. I cried when I turned 17! When I was 23, Joe proposed and I graduated from la Sorbonne. At 30, I gave birth to Léo.

I can't wait to be 37!

Last Day

2011-07-29T16:50:00.001-07:00

Today is the last day I spend alone with Léo. I don't quite know how I feel. Sad for sure. I enjoy spending time with him -and spending time relaxing when he naps! I love staying at home when the weather is good. I love finding new ways to make him laugh during the day. At the same time, I am looking forward to seeing my friends again and to get out of the house more. I feel that my brain is pretty fuzzy (think old TV which refuses to work) and it might be hard to sustain intelligent conversations for a while but it'll be good to try! I always knew I would go back to work, so I am not crushed that it's already August. I am surprised that time went by so quickly, however. My baby is already 16 weeks old -well, tomorrow.

I will definitely go back to work with a new attitude. I hate to sound so shallow, but I know I am not going to get promoted anytime soon, so I will take it easy. I will do my job well but I won't try to go too much above and beyond since there will be no sustainable gain in the end. For now I will focus on catching up with everything that has happened in the past 3.5 months and on pumping enough milk for Léo. It should not be stressful at all.

Still, I will miss my bundle of boy!

Update: Ok, so I've been crying about it this evening. I really will miss him!

Awesome Purchase

2011-07-29T15:29:00.000-07:00

Today I bought Milkies, aka " the milk saver". It's to use on the non nursing side while breastfeeding and it stores the milk that leaks during let down -you then put the milk in a bad and store it. First time I used it I got almost 1 ounce, which usually goes to waste. Right now every little drop counts as my production is still a bit low. ONE ounce. I must have fed Léo about 800 times + since he was born. That's a lot of wasted milk. Without counting night feedings, I feed him about 5 times per day. That's a bottle right there. I'm so thrilled.

This milk-saver thing is going to be part of any gift package I am making for pregnant moms from now on (Nancy, Melanie, Crystal: sorry to spoil one of your surprises!)

PS: Contrary to what they say on their website, I don't find the stuff "slim" and don't agree with the fact that "no one will ever know you're wearing it." It's bulky. Whatever. It does the job well!

Daycare: Success!

2011-07-26T20:11:00.000-07:00

Léo did awesome at day care! He stayed there for 3 hours -and slept during half that time. He drank the whole bottle of milk I brought (4-5 ounces). THE WHOLE BOTTLE! No problem at all. He just gulped it down. Er, what the heck, little dude? Maybe he was super hungry and didn't care what fed him as long as he was fed. Anyway, he did great and the woman in charge of the daycare seems really sweet and caring toward him. What a relief!

Feeding Issues

2011-07-26T09:08:00.000-07:00

D-6 before I go back to work. The first week is going to be awesome for Léo as he will be with the nanny and me on Monday, with Joe and his mom from Tuesday to Thursday, then with Joe's mom and me on Friday. That's a good way for me to ease back into work and a great way for Léo to spend time with his dad.

Today Léo is going to spend half a day at day care to meet people and see how it goes. I am dreading it, not because I don't trust the day care staff, but because I really dislike leaving him with other people. I'm sure it'll be fine... if he accepts to eat from a bottle. Last week Joe and I went to dinner and left Léo to Joe's parents. Léo refused to take a bottle and cried non stop. I had to go back and feed him. I didn't mind -I had to do that once when Joe was keeping Léo so that I could attend a church meeting- but that means we need to be more intentional about giving him a bottle every day. And we only have 6 more days.

I also need to pump so that day care has enough food for the first day. That might be a challenge, as I barely produce enough milk for Léo to eat. Yesterday he woke up at 1030 PM, 3 hours after his last meal, and I couldn't produce milk. I'm sure milk would have come had he kept on sucking, but he cried in frustration after a few minutes and we had to make a bottle, which he happily gulped down this time. It was only 3 oz because that's all I can pump these days. I wonder whether my body is reacting to the weather and to people. I am not kidding. I am happier when it's sunny outside and when I see people during the day. On days when both factors are met, my milk production is perfect. In Orange County, I had to pump because I produced too much between feedings! On days where it's rainy and I don't see people like yesterday I barely produce enough for him to eat. That means on good days he sleeps long stretches at night (he slept from 8 PM to 445 AM on Sunday. He was tired from his trip to OC but he also had enough to eat during the day) and on bad days he eats every 3 hours around the clock.

This week should be interesting. The weather won't be good until this weekend -what's up with that!- but I will see friends throughout the week. Hopefully my milk production won't fail me and Léo. And hopefully he'll have a blast at day care today and in 2 weeks!

Two Weeks

2011-07-18T11:01:00.000-07:00

That's the time remaining before I go back to work. On one hand I am more than very excited to be with my friends again (friends, be ready, you won't get much done that week if you let me speak for too long. Don't hesitate to tell me to shut it!). On the other hand, returning to work itself is not really fun. I like my job, but I am not looking forward to some aspects of it. Also, I am not looking forward to not being with Léo all the time. Sometimes I would like to be alone, but NOT to go back to work -more like to go to Barnes, Target, get a haircut, take a nap. This is only a phase. Joe and I have decided that I will probably stop working when we have baby #2, which should coincide with the time we move back to Orange County if Joe is still in school by then (decision in the air for now). There's a time for everything, right? Now is the time to go back to work. I'll write a post about work/career/life balance soon.

I hope I will get some rest before that. I have been so tired lately. This morning, Joe woke up in a great mood because he slept 10 hours last night. That immediately put me in a bad mood because I haven't slept more than 4 hours in a row since Léo was born. It's okay. This, too, shall pass. Now is the time to be tired.

We're going to Orange County this weekend. I am SO excited about seeing friends, basking in the sunshine, and having family who will want to care for Léo. I am not excited about the airport experience and having to be on a plane. I am going to have to be cheerful so that Léo doesn't think his mom has become a frightened mess for a few hours. Oy. Please pray that everything goes well.

Blowing Bubbles

2011-07-16T23:23:00.000-07:00

Léo's favorite activity -that, and chomping on his hands!

Last Visitors!

2011-07-16T19:19:00.001-07:00

My brother, dad, and dad's girlfriend were the last visitors here. They spent 3 weeks in Seattle. They are energetic and always find things to do. Needless to say, Léo didn't have a routine during that time, yet he did really well and usually took regular -albeit short- naps during the day and slept 4-5 hours straight at night.

We had a great time!

My dad, helping Léo "walk." My dad's hand looks huge compared to Léo's body -that's probably because one is 6ft3 and the other 25 inches tall.

Grand time with Léo and Vlad.

Vlad cooked all the time. He's really good at it!

Alex and Léo had a really good time together. She spoke to him in German, which was fun.

Papi and Léo.

Uncle Vlad and Léo.

Overall, Léo was the center of attention and relished it all. I am so glad that they got to meet him and that we got to spend time together. Living far from my family is tough, but I will try to make it to France once a year.

My Brother

2011-07-12T15:20:00.000-07:00

My family left today. My house feels empty and I already miss my brother terribly. I had written a short post about him last time he visited but I will give more details this time.

My brother hasn't had an easy childhood. My dad gave me pictures of Vlad from the time he was born to now and I could barely stand to look at the pictures of his early childhood because I knew what this sweet and innocent boy would have to go through in the years that followed. I was at home for some of the bad times, but I escaped most of it. I was lucky enough to only have to go through 2-3 years of craziness before I went to a boarding school when I was 15 whereas my brother couldn't leave the house. Whereas my mother saw me as a semi Goddess, she resented my brother and blamed him for a lot of her unhappiness. He bore most of her anger and had to deal with her physical and emotional violence. I had to deal with pretty crappy moments, too, but I was old enough to handle them. Contrary to me, he was not naive and dealt with my parents' arguments and my mom's addiction with eyes wide open. For instance, someone had to tell me that my mom drank when I was 15 (I seriously would have never guessed) while my brother, who was only 6, knew where she hid the bottles. Our experiences still shape who we are today: I am still naive and too forgiving and he is realistic and really protects himself by not letting our mom (or anyone else for that matter) invade his space.

Our lives were not bad, of course: we laughed a lot and our dad and our (sober) mom are great parents. It just amazes me that he has become such an intelligent young man with a healthy ego and a ferocious sense of humor. I love him so much because he's my brother but also because I know what he's gone through and what he is now, and I admire him for the resilience he's shown. I keep on asking him to move to the US but he's fine in Paris for now. I hope to change his mind in a couple of years when he applies for a Master's program.

I like this picture because it simply shows how well we get along.

OK, here is the deal

2011-07-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

That picture of Léo my brother took was fantastic. I can't stop looking at it. I may have wanted to brag a bit by putting that on Facebook. In reality, my sweet boy looks more like that:

He's super cute still (hey he's my baby and I'm 100% biased) but on a day-to-day basis, there's a lot more drool, a lot more chins, and a lot more lips!

3 Months Old

2011-07-09T23:57:00.000-07:00

(My brother took this pic this afternoon)

Léo turned 3 months old today. I remember when he was spitting up and crying tons at 2 weeks old and the nurse at the pediatrician's office said "it should pass by the time he's 3 months old." That seems like forever and a day to me and I seriously wanted to drop kick her. But it did go by fast... in retrospect! My little boy is growing and I love spending time with him.

A few things about him:

- His eyes are still blue!

- He smiles a lot and has even started to laugh today. It's the cutest thing in the world. I have a video of him laughing and I have watched it 10 times tonight (he's sleeping so I can't make him laugh)!

- He rolls over from tummy to back. He doesn't do it quite intentionally, but he has done it consistently when we do tummy time.

- He always finds a way to get his hands out from the swaddle sack at night or during naps, then wakes himself up because he still has a moro reflex. I don't quite know how to prevent that!

- He loves blowing bubbles.

- He is very attentive and quiet at times. When he wants someone's attention, he'll just smile at the person and turn his head shyly (think Lady Diana).

- He sleeps a lot. Like 16-18 hours per day. He falls asleep after being up for about 60-90 minutes. He's predictable that way.

- He just discovered that he can suck on his hands. He does that quite a lot -and drools tons in the process.

- He freezes when he sees a camera. We have to be sneaky to take a picture of him smiling or a video of him laughing.

- He's addicted to his pacifier.

- He sleeps better at night but still wakes up once or twice to eat. And he wakes up a lot when his pacifier falls from his mouth!

It's so amazing to see his brain work and see him develop day by day. He's super mellow and easy going. He seems to definitely be an introvert for now (he needs moments of calm more than he needs interaction) and I am learning to respect this by not overstimulating him. He loves to cuddle and chill. I love him so much and can't wait to see what the next weeks and months bring.

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

2011-07-06T17:07:00.001-07:00

1 day

1 month

2 months

Almost 3 months... and growing!

Ah, The Irony

2011-06-24T22:13:00.000-07:00

Léo keeps on sleeping well in his bedroom during the day. He wakes up a bit startled because he is not used to being swaddled but after 2 minutes he's back to smiling tons. I cannot get enough of his smiles.

Right now he's sleeping in his bedroom. But it's 10pm and... I am not sure I'm ready to let him sleep there all night long! I already miss my boy's presence next to my bed. I wonder whether I'm going to bring him with me when he wakes up for his late evening feeding or if I'll have the strength to let him sleep in his bedroom.

Attachment parenting... I thought that was about babies' needs. Turns out I need my own sleep / independence training!

Miracle!!!

2011-06-23T17:29:00.000-07:00

This morning a post-partum doula came over to help me put Léo in his bedroom for naps and to talk about his sleep schedule. (If you need a post-partum doula and live where I do, let me know. Marianne is awesome!). I am still unclear about what schedule he should have (I'll touch on that in just a bit) but from the first try he slept in his swing, swaddled, in his bedroom, and didn't even cry. He slept for 90 minutes straight. Steuh-raight, people! That was amazing. He even took a bottle when he woke up -which he refused to do lately- because she showed me the right way to do it. She only stayed two hours and said the transition from the co-sleeper to his room should be easy because he's pretty mellow. That was great. I put him in the swing alone for nap #2 and he cried just a bit before settling in -he woke up because the dogs barked, but he was on his way to another good nap. This new habit will allow me to relax my arms, make breakfast, take a shower, and know that Léo is sleeping well.

Now we still have to tackle his night time schedule (he woke up every 2 hours last night and I am exhausted). I am SO relieved this transition to his bedroom was easy for him -and for me! It's only day 1 and maybe tomorrow he'll resist the idea all together, but today was good, and as my great friend Jen says, it's one day at a time.

Moms, I have a question for you. At about 3 months old, were your babies already napping only 3 times per day? Léo can't seem to stay awake for more than an hour at a time, so he takes 4/5 naps a day. My OB said he should transition to 3 naps but the doula said that 4 or 5 was perfectly fine. Do you remember what your babies used to do?

Oh, she also said that his eyes might remain blue. Oh, the dream!!

Breaking The Habit

2011-06-21T22:19:00.000-07:00

In which I ramble quite a bit...

Last week was rough for me! It started with the pediatrician's appointment during which I felt that Léo -and as a result, me- had failed at proper development. I felt like I didn't do enough for Léo -not enough tummy time, not enough playing with toys, etc. I also felt that I was creating bad habits with him, and I knew they would be hard to break. The end of the week was better as Léo started to smile and consequently follow us and toys with his gaze. We even did some tummy time (I put him on my shins and we play Superman. Well, I play Superman. He just tags along!). I still felt pretty crappy so I called my OB to ask for support. Don't get me wrong. I am not depressed -there wouldn't be anything wrong with being depressed, I am just saying this is not the case here. I just felt so overwhelmed with all the changes I thought I needed to make. Then I called a post-partum doula, who told me to swaddle Léo so that he could sleep better during the day.

I have been feeling better this week because Léo keeps on smiling (oh, that smile!) but also because I have discovered cheap support groups in the city: Joe and I now belong to a PEPS group where babies range from 7-13 weeks and I go to a weekly session where moms can ask questions about their babies' development. It's nice to know that I am not alone and that other moms struggle with the same issues I have. That is building my self esteem as a mom. I do think I am a good mom: Léo is happy and he's growing well -many people comment that he's a fat baby. Um, he's BIG, not fat! I just wonder whether I am doing things right -or rather wrong.

Case in point: yesterday Joe tried to give him a bottle (fail) and then to soothe him (fail). I had to rock him until he calmed down. I realized that I must hold Léo about 20 hours a day. I am not joking. I hold him all the time, rock him to sleep, hold him while he naps during the day, and cuddle with him in the bed at night. Usually during the day I rock him and bounce him while he sucks on a pacifier. Triple threat!! The kid doesn't have any opportunity to be on his own, he doesn't sleep in his co-sleeper, he loves the pacifier beyond reason, and he's now used to being held yours truly's arms all the time. Meanwhile, I feel I'm a slave to this little baby and I have come to resent that a lot. As in A. LOT. One morning I told Joe he had to care for Léo because I was about to snap and cry -and cuss the baby, who frankly didn't do anything wrong.

So I am trying to change things. Tonight I put him in his co-sleeper at 10pm once he was asleep and swaddled. I put some white noise on. He's still there 35 minutes later! The weird thing is... I feel so guilty about not holding him! I am really trying to figure out how to let him be independent (you know, in accordance to his age) while showing him all the love I can. The nurse who led a class today said "do not spoil your maternity leave with these issues." I will keep that in mind: I'll try to set good habits but I don't make myself sad or stressed about too many issues. I have 6 more weeks of maternity leave -including 3 with my brother, dad, and dad's girlfriend, who arrive tomorrow- and I intend to enjoy it to the max.

I spoke too soon! He just woke up. Still, he spent 35 minutes in his co-sleeper as opposed to 5-10 minutes, so that's good! I'm going to go and... rock him back to sleep :)

Isn't it amazing how motherhood is such an amazing thing (I cannot love this baby more and nothing makes me happier than seeing him smile) yet at times such a complicated matter?

It Happened!

2011-06-19T16:36:00.001-07:00

Our boy smiled!

Happy Father's Day to Joe, the best dad Léo could have wished for (and the recipient of most of Léo's grins), and to all the other wonderful dads out there!

2 month check up

2011-06-14T09:36:00.001-07:00

Yesterday Léo had his 2 month check up -which means he got shots and was not happy about it. He measures 24 inches and weighs 12 pounds 9 ounces. He is growing well!

The doctor asked a bunch of questions to establish whether he has met his developmental milestones:

Does he smile? Kind of, as of last week.

Does he coo? Nope.

Does he follow you with his eyes? Nope. The doctor then said "well usually they like to look at faces" and put his face right in front of Léo, who just stared at the ceiling (he did the exact same thing at his one month check up!).

Can he hold his head straight while someone holds him from laying on his back to sitting up position? Nope.

Does he always look in the left direction? Um, yes. We're going to have to work on forcing him to look in the right direction so that his neck doesn't become stiff.

Has he found his hands? YES (Pffff, finally!)

The doctor didn't ask, but he also likes to dance! I put some music on and I bounce him in my arms. If I stop, he bounces by himself. This is my favorite routine of the morning.

The doctor said he's on track. Huh?!? Oookay, I guess he's just waiting for his 4-month check up to see whether Léo has caught up then.

This week I'm going to have him nap in his co-sleeper in the living room during the day. He usually sleeps in my arms. Also I'm going to try to establish a feeding/nap routine. I just need a routine right now. At the same time, my dad and brother are arriving next week (already!) and will stay 3 weeks, so a routine might be hard to keep up. But when they leave I only have 3 weeks before I go back to work (uuuuuuuuugh) so I might as well establish something now. Right now he's sleeping in his co-sleeper. He's been there for all of 15 minutes and is still sleeping. Small victory!

Speaking of work... I really don't want to go back. I need to speak to my boss about this. I'll write more on this topic some other time.

2 Months Old!

2011-06-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

Léo is turning 2 months old today!

A few things about his development:

- His eyes are still blue. We know this will change soon but we're enjoying this beautiful color for now. Blue is actually my favorite color (which explains why more than 3/4 of Léo's clothes are blue!). And yellow. But yellow eyes would look weird.

- He sleeps for about 3-4 hours during the first stretch of the night, from about 11-3 (but then he makes up for it by waking up every 2 hours). Last night he slept from 12 to 2:30 only but he's usually fine sleeping longer hours.

- He is juuust starting to smile. I'm not sure it's a full on smile yet, but I think he's starting to respond to our big smiles with a little one on his own (not followed by a fart of spit up, which his smiles usually announce).

- He's holding his head pretty straight even though we never do formal tummy time. He's a strong little guy.

- His cries are definitely different depending on what he needs. He sounds like a newborn when he's hungry for instance. We can tell pain from frustration and fatigue. It's helpful to read his cues.

- He doesn't like his bouncer anymore. He hates his car seat (which means I dread going anywhere and stay home most of the time). He doesn't like sleeping in his co-sleeper (but sleeps like a champ in my arms or in the Baby Bjorn if we take walks outside).

- He always looks at his left side. And then stares and stares. He doesn't care much for faces. He's still in his own little world most of the time. Of course this worries me a lot but he's just starting to finally look at us at times and maybe smile, so I am trying not to be impatient.

As for me... I feel better than I did when he was about 2 weeks old -thank God! But I am still sleep deprived. I mainly feel guilty because I don't do much during the day (I kind of feel like a lazy bum to be honest) and I feel lost trying to put Léo on a routine (right now there is no routine that I can see though I track meals and naps on a little booklet). My brain feels like it's been bulldozed. I don't have enough focus to read -not even magazines- so I watch TV all day (I recommend "Army Wives" for empty entertainment). I don't want to go back to work but maybe going to work would give a sense to my day. Right now I feel... I don't know. Not depressed at all. More directionless. I can't plan anything because Léo doesn't have a routine. I can't plan anything during his naps because I don't know how long he will sleep -and usually by the time he falls asleep in my arms and gets to his co-sleeper I only have one hour of "freedom" during which I'd rather snack than be active. Maybe it's a poor excuse -I should go out now that he's so young and undemanding. I am not a very spontaneous person to begin with, so maybe I should create a routine on my own (Monday Target, Tuesday Barnes. Yes, that's my kind of fun). I need to organize my brain so that I don't feel so jello all the time. That's my next task then: organize a routine and feel a bit more productive.

Here is a comparison between May 9th and June 9th. June 9th already ... Time is really flying by! My brother and dad will be here on the 22nd and that day Joe starts school again (one class only to get back into the rhythm of studying). I don't go back to work until August 1st, so I still have time before I can officially freak out about leaving Léo to a daycare (which reminds me, I need to find a daycare. Crap!). Ok, picture time!!

One month old.

Two months old.

4 Generations

2011-06-02T11:31:00.000-07:00

My mom and grandma left yesterday. It was great having them here with us. We shared stories and I listened to their wealth of experience and wisdom. It's amazing how much grandmas know. I'm always on the internet trying to figure things out and my grandma gives me the exact same advise I find online -only better, because she's my grandma! My mom helped a lot with telling me how she did with me and my brother and also with chores (like holding Léo's pacifier in his mouth, vacuuming, and washing/folding clothes), which was such a relief. I was able to take showers and make teas, take time to eat breakfast, and above all, we went out and they helped with Léo -who, we've come to realize, hates his car seat and wails until we hold him in our arms.

My mom really loves Léo. She got her groove back pretty easily with him and loved washing him when he was in his bath, giving him bottles, and rocking him to sleep. It's hard to live far from her because we have quite a fusional relationship (some might call it co-dependency) though it is tainted at times by addiction and the effects that has on family life. It's a kind of Jekyll and Hyde situation in my mind, where I see my mom as two different persons depending on her state of mind. That's why I can't resent sober-mom for whatever the other mom did or said. Anyway, she was awesome when she was here -the mom and grandma I want in my and Léo's life. It was so hard to say goodbye.

My grandma made me cry countless times when I heard her sing or tell Léo "I've been waiting for you for so long. I can leave in peace now." She wasn't the best mom to my mom and her siblings, but she's been the best grandma to me. I spent so much time with her growing up and I have fond memories of our time together. I simply adore her! She's tiny and cute and no-nonsense and fun in a very un-intentional way. I love her so and miss her so much.

Living far from family is not a good situation. I really do not like it. I want Léo to bond with his family and to celebrate year-round events with them. We fortunately have Skype, but it's not the same. I wish my mom (and grandma!) could come for months at a time. Maybe she can do that soon. In the meantime, I am going back to work early so that I have vacation time left and I'll try to go to France this fall. Léo needs to know his French family, too.

So now it's Léo and me. Yesterday he slept pretty much all day. Today he's been sleeping again. So far so good. He's not smiling yet and doesn't look at my face ever. Actually he never looks at what I show him. He just stares at the book on the book shelves or at the blinds and the trees (like in the pic below). He's a sweet and fun little guy.

The Formula Experiment

2011-05-24T19:05:00.001-07:00

When Léo was 2 weeks old, I was quite tired with breastfeeding so I decided to introduce formula in his diet. We tried a few ounces that week and his body didn't react well at all. He was crying in pain. Since the crying / being fussy lasted for about 2 weeks and I stopped giving him formula after a couple of tries, I think the two were not linked but now I'm scared to re-introduce formula again. On moms boards it seems that a lot of babies on formula experience massive pain, so I have decided to breastfeed until he's about 12 weeks. I will re-introduce formula then since his digestive system will be better formed and since I'll be close to returning to work -ugh, don't even want to think about that.

So that's that for now.

Already and Only

2011-05-23T16:32:00.000-07:00

Léo is already 6 weeks old.

Léo is only 6 weeks old.

It's difficult in my mind to reconcile these 2 sentences. I know he's already 6 weeks. Time flew by, seriously. At the same time, he's only 6 weeks old and I must refrain from expecting a lot from him (though a first smile would be great!) or put thoughts and feelings behind his facial expressions. I feel he's like a smart animal for now: he is guided by his senses, not his reason. He doesn't have many things we take for granted -the use of words of course, but also a regulated appetite, the ability to soothe himself, etc. It's challenging at times to remember that he is a BABY. We've been with him for 6 weeks straight and have seen him grow so much physically and emotionally, but he's still a baby who doesn't know anything. It's our role as parents to teach him, love him, hold him, reassure him, be patient with him. I am loving this aspect of parenthood. I love him so much and love seeing him grow, and I love that it will take time before he reaches some milestones. It's all about appreciating each and every moment with him, not waiting for the next milestone.

But yeah... I'm still waiting for that first smile!

Try This At Home

2011-05-18T10:27:00.000-07:00

Isn't it amazing how short babies' arms are and how big their heads are? I mean, do this: put your arms up like Leo and you'll see: adults' arms are waaay longer. I love how disproportionate babies' body parts are!

SIDS Patrol

2011-05-16T11:16:00.001-07:00

...would be pissed! Let me just say that I am as afraid of SIDS as any mom and that I am always with Léo when he's in these places.

On the couch... with a blanket!

The bouncer. With another blanket.

On the bed, super close to dad.

On the boppy.

On the gym thing.

I would do anything seriously to let this little guy sleep well. That usually doesn't include his bed unless we move it to the living room during the day -which we've been doing.

I Kinda Like Him

2011-05-13T22:17:00.000-07:00

We might keep him if he stops being fussy in the evening. We just might. I mean, he's pretty cute after all...

Oh, and we might keep him because I love the color of his eyes. They will change, but they're pretty awesome right now!

Ok, deal. We're keeping him!

Little Léo Is Growing!

2011-05-13T17:34:00.000-07:00

What a difference a month makes! This is Léo ready to leave the hospital on day 2:

And yesterday, at one month and a few days, wearing the same model of pants. My little boy is growing -and gaining weight!

One Month Old

2011-05-11T10:52:00.000-07:00

My little frogger is one month old! It's amazing how fast time went. Joe went back to work today, which is pretty sad. It was great to spend everyday together these past 4 weeks.

What a month this has been. My dear friend Jen, whose beautiful baby s 2 weeks and 2 days older than Léo, calls it a roller coaster and I can't agree more. There are ups (how cute he is, how amazing it is that he's with us, all the little faces he makes while eating and stretching and pooping!) and downs (colic, reflux, nasal congestion, long nights... sometimes all at once!). The first 3 weeks were emotionally rough. The last week has been physically exhausting because he has been crying a lot in pain. Yesterday we finally called his pediatrician -because he didn't schedule a month check up and we were worried about Léo's labored breathing- who told us he might have reflux, which would explain the spit ups and bouts of crying. We've been holding him up right after feedings and whenever he sleeps and that has helped a lot already. We have yet to introduce formula. We tried it once and he started having tummy aches. That probably has nothing to do with formula (he has had formula ONCE and has had tummy aches for a week and a half) but it scared me enough to keep on exclusively breast feeding for a while!

Léo has grown and he's becoming a chunky little monstah. I love his routine when he nurses, the little noises he makes, and, well, pretty much everything about him -except the crying, I have to say! Right now he doesn't want to sleep unless he's held and I love even that because this phase of being super cuddly won't last forever and I might as well take advantage of it while I can.

My mom and grandma arrived yesterday and will stay with us for 3 weeks. They hold him all the time and really help with caring for him. It's also great to speak French all the time around him. Hopefully I'll keep on doing that when they leave.

Finally, Joe keeps on being a great dad. He's very hands on and Léo loves him! My friends have also been such a great source of strength. This first month would have been so difficult without their support. I am truly blessed to have such great people in my life.

With his grandma and great grandma.

Cuddle/nap time (20 hours a day).

I don't know who started this game, but it's pretty cute!

One month old.

Reading His Cues

2011-04-29T10:42:00.001-07:00

Two days ago was probably the lowest day since Léo's birth. I felt crappy all day, and when Léo started crying during the evening for no apparent reason, I just lost it. I put him in his bouncer and turned around -and while doing that I yelled at the dogs and at Joe. Mind you, Léo almost never cries. I am SO thankful God gave me a sweet baby. I couldn't have dealt with colic or that purple crying that lasts for months. Sometimes though he cries and cries and nothing can soothe him. It happens mostly during the night: he gets frustrated because he can't latch (think bobble head with an arching back) and cries so much he can't calm down, so he can latch even less, and that feeding session becomes quite a pain in the but for both of us.

I realize that I feel so powerless and frustrated when he cries. I really do try to meet his demands before he gets to that point to keep him (and myself) happy. So when he couldn't stop crying 2 days ago I got really sad and mad. Joe got annoyed at me for being so frustrated and depressed all the time, and he said "that's it. Take the dogs on a walk. I'll take care of him." Just then I took Léo in my arms and miracle: he stopped crying and fell asleep. VICTORY! No, seriously: we got it! That particular crying just means "I'm tired." What a relief! Yesterday evening and last night he cried that way again but instead of getting frustrated I just took him in my arms (Joe did that last night to let me sleep a bit), walked with him and voila: the boy fell asleep.

My mood has been way better since. Yesterday while Joe got some shots at the U, I walked in the U Village with Léo in the Ergo. It felt empowering to be able to do that alone. At night it also felt pretty empowering to know what to do to calm him down. We can do this parenthood thing. We need patience and we need to find out what the little one is telling us through his cries. I'm not saying everything is going to be smooth sailing from there, but it helps to get to know him more and know what he needs when he needs it. Sweet boy of mine!

Doctor's Appointment and Some Changes

2011-04-25T17:50:00.000-07:00

Today was Léo's 2-week check up at the pediatrician. He's now 21 1/4 inches and weighs 8 Lbs 9 oz. The doctor said that it was about 30% more than what he expected. I'm not worried as I have only been breastfeeding him and he's usually eating every 2.5-3 hours. He's not a big baby per se -but he does have quite the double chin!

We also asked the doctor about adding formula to his diet. I know, I know, breast is best... except it makes me miserable. I resent when he wants to eat sometimes because I'm in the middle of breakfast or a shower and need to rush back to feed him. I have started pumping but only have 2 bags of milk. So I have decided to do the right thing for me -and ultimately for my relationship with my son- and add formula to his diet (for now one meal in the middle of the night) if my pumped milk runs out. I feel extremely guilty about adding formula because I know all the benefits of breast feeding and I feel I am taking the easy way out, but I am also telling myself that I will actually still breastfeed for most meals and that I am not perfect. And Léo will be just fine.

I cannot stress again how great it has been to rely on friends' experiences with their babies. It's good to hear what worked and how they got through the first 8-12 weeks. 8-12 weeks is really short in the span of a lifetime, but right now it seems like forever away. I am really trying to enjoy every day with him because I know those are in a way the easiest -he's not that demanding yet- but the lack of sleep is driving me a bit insane. Joe has been stellar, changing or rocking the baby at night. Now he'll be able to feed him, too -whether pumped milk or formula.

Joe's family is coming to visit at the end of the week. I am looking forward to spending some time with them.

Here is my little cutie in his Easter outfit (thanks Grandma Jodie!). He's so freaking handsome. I must kiss him about 1,001 times a day since he can't yet say "mooooooooom, stop it!"

Morning Routine

2011-04-20T21:24:00.000-07:00

This is what Joe, Léo, my triple chin, and I do every morning, usually after the 6am-ish feeding. This is the only time I sleep 2-3 hours straight during the night. Last night for instance I didn't sleep at all until 7 because Léo refused to sleep in his crib -I think it was too cold in the room... or he's already spoiled!

I like this nap time. Bliss.

First Ten Days in Pictures

2011-04-19T22:39:00.001-07:00

Third and last post of the day. A few pictures of Léo. I LOVE that boy!!

Day 1 -hour 1!

Day 2

Day 3

So our sweet boy barfed twice after this picture was taken. Yeah. And he pooped on me about an hour after. And he keeps on peeing on us. Little sucker.

Pouting. He does that quite a lot!

Nap on the couch.

The First Ten Days

2011-04-19T17:48:00.000-07:00

Love, fear, and guilt. This is how I would describe the 10 days since Léo's birth.

Obviously love because we love him so much. I can't stop looking at him and am in awe that he's our son and that he's so perfect. In the womb he was super gentle and still is now. He sleeps a lot, doesn't cry that much, and makes the cutest little sounds -especially when he's frustrated. Seriously, Léo is awesome. I don't have words to describe my feelings for him. I am almost expecting something bad to happen because the whole pregnancy, delivery, and now life with him have been so easy. I know, way to be positive, huh?

That bring us to fear. I fear that something bad is going to happen. I worry about everything, from the way he breathes to the number of hours he sleeps to whether he pees/poops enough and the way his belly button heals (it fell on Sunday and has been bleeding a bit today). I suddenly wake up and check on him many times an hour during the night to make sure he's still alive (damn SIDS). It almost feels like there's 100 pounds of fear on my shoulders all the time. I think that's why I dread nights so much because -apart from the fact he stays awake from 12-3am- I fear something is going to happen to him while I sleep. So my already little sleep is disturbed by frequent check ups on my boy.

Finally, guilt... Aaah, all moms have experienced this, I am sure. I feel guilty when he wakes up and all I can think of is "great. Now what am I going to do with him / tell him?" I feel guilty that I want to stop breast feeding after only 10 days -because it hurts and because Léo sometimes doesn't latch on properly so he eats every 2 hours. I feel guilty when he cries and I don't know what to do to soothe him. I feel bad that I am not putting him on a schedule yet, that he sleeps on my chest or in bed with us in the middle of the night, and that I put him to sleep on his side because he hates being on his back (and he doesn't like being swaddled either). Fortunately, when I ask my friends who have kids -well, most of you who read the blog actually :) - what they did in the first few weeks of their babies' lives, they tell me they did the same I am doing now, which lessens the guilt immensely. We all try to follow the "rules" but we break them depending on our babies' temperaments and needs.

Those 10 days have been a bit draining and totally worth it. I am careful to be positive and not be depressed. I know my mood drops every night by 8:30 but that I will be better by 6 am. I am both happy and really grateful yet life has been, well, a little hard. Having Léo in our lives is such a blessing. I love him more than I thought possible and I know these feelings of guilt and fear are the manifestation of my love for him and the fact that I have no control over his schedule, his body, his problems. I just have to get used to not being able to protect him as much as I could when he was in my belly -and I know that these feelings will last a lifetime. Right now everything seems out of the ordinary, raw, and emotional (hormones!).

The best part of these first days is that I have time to stare at my baby all day long if I want to and thank God for the beautiful gift he has given us. Happiness is as simple as that!

Léo's arrival

2011-04-18T18:50:00.000-07:00

Pictures coming soon. I have trouble loading them on this blog from the mac...

Léo's original due date is today! He is 9 days old today and so much has happened since April 9th. Where to start? Well, I guess with that week.

As you know, Joe and I felt that Léo would arrive a tad early. My mom had given birth 9 and 7 days early -for my and my brother's births- and had relatively quick labors, so I figured I might follow in her footsteps. This whole week of April 4th, I cleaned up my desk at work (kinda) and tried to finish up hand over notes in case I wouldn't come back for a few months. Let me just tell you: that felt great!! I relished every minute I spent on those tasks knowing I wouldn't have to read reports this time around.

On Thursday, I started to have mild cramps, but nothing out of the ordinary. Then I woke up on Saturday morning early to call my mom and I felt that the cramps were becoming stronger. I texted my dear friend Jen, who had given birth 2 weeks prior, to ask about her cramps (and I have kept on relying on her for question after question since. Thanks Jen!). I thought those might be real contractions indeed. Joe and I drove to Bakery Nouveau and the contractions were a bit stronger -so much so that I had to stop talking or walking when they hit. We got home at about 10 or 11 and the contractions got stronger, stronger, STRONGER. I cussed a bit, but mainly I said over and over "make it stop; I don't know what to do; and get out of here already... not you baby, I'm talking to the contractions." I think I even cussed Eve a bit for eating the freaking apple and causing us women that kind of pain. At 12:30-1, the contractions were super strong, lasting 60-90 seconds and coming every 2-2.5 minutes. I know I should have called the doctor at that point but... I was waiting for the clothes I wanted to take to the hospital to dry. Yeah, not my brightest idea! At 1:30p my water broke. HOLY CRAP the contractions that came after that were really painful and the urge to push was scary. Joe took the clothes out of the drier, called the hospital, and made me get into the car. I don't remember much at this point but Joe said it took me forever to get in the car because the contractions hurt really bad. So we got in the car and got to the hospital in about 5 minutes -thank God the hospital is so close! We parked in front of the hospital -illegally- (I screamed at that point because the contractions hurt so bad. As in screamed at the top of my lungs. I give props to Joe for not laughing at me!) and went straight up to the labor area. I tried to hold it together because there were people waiting in the lobby but as soon as I turned the corner I was on all four, in pain. The nurses rushed us to a room. Again, I don't remember much. I know the doctor came, measured me, and said I was good to go. I know I asked for an epidural and the doctor said "nope, you're ready to push NOW." Um, what? No epidural? Oh sh*t. I also remember the nurse showing me how to put the gown on but I must not have listened because I ended up pushing butt naked with only a t-shirt on. Yup... all thoughts of grace and modesty left my brain! So now we're at about 1:50pm and I start pushing. I pushed just a bit because I was afraid of the pain. I think the doctor got a bit frustrated with me and tried to find ways to make me push harder. WOMAN, I'm pushing a 7-pounder out of my body and I know it's going to hurt. Patience! At one point I felt the famous "ring of fire" and knew the baby's head was getting out so I gave a real push...

Baby Léo was born at 2:24 PM on April 9th, 2011. He has been really gentle and sweet and cuddly and perfect. We love him SO much. Seriously guys... I knew I'd love him, but it still has taken me by surprise how much love I have had for him since day 1 (okay, maybe day 2, but you know what I mean).

The nurses freaked us out a bit because I bled a lot after delivery, but they gave me meds through an IV (I thought I would avoid the IV all together but no such luck) and it was better. I also had fever, but it passed after a few hours.

The stay at the hospital was rather reassuring because I could ask a lot of questions to the nurses. I even thought about staying one more night because the thought of going home scared me so much. We went home the day after his birth, on Sunday. Friends have shown us since an amazing amount of support by bringing food over and more importantly, by always checking on us by text, Skype, or email to know how we're doing and handling things. Seriously it feels great to have such a great support group -mainly of moms who have answers to my 1,001 questions and have gone through what Joe and I are going through.

Oh, a word on Joe... He has been such a great father to Léo and a great husband to me. I don't think I've loved him more than I do now, seeing him interact with the baby and seeing how attentive he is to me. He's taking the pulse of my mood every day to make sure I am not depressed -or not beyond what is expected at this stage- and is helping in any way he can, waking up at night to ask if he can do anything to help, picking up Léo from his crib and bringing him back when I'm done nursing. We even change diapers together right now because I'm afraid the baby will kick his penis with his heels (he's healing from circumcision), so Joe holds him while I change him! I love this man so much! Léo couldn't have had a better dad than Joe. It's really great to see this side of him I didn't know and experience who he is as a father. I knew he had wanted a baby for a while but I didn't know what to expect. He has surpassed any expectations I could have. I am so, so lucky to be his wife.

Ah yes, I have become emotional! I am actually better now. The first week was quite a mess. I cried when I thought how much I loved the baby, when I thought about bad things that could happen to him, when I thought about circumcision, when I thought about... well, just about anything made me cry! It's getting better now, thank God.

Next post... First week at home with baby Léo.

Not so early after all!

2011-04-06T11:22:00.000-07:00

Another appointment with my doctor today... Baby is exactly at the same station as last time. Nothing has changed. So now the doc says "he should come during week 39." That relieves Joe, who has so much to do before he goes on "vacation." That annoys me, because I am over work right now. I like my job, I love my colleagues but... I'm just over it! I want to be home, chill, shop, do nothing. Oh well.

So maybe next week. In the meantime, I'll work and enjoy evenings without a child! And I'll sleep.

Early Arrival?

2011-03-30T08:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Joe and I went to the doc to have my 37-week check up. She said that the baby is long, might weight about 8 pounds when he's born (holy cow! Both my brother and I were 6.2 pounds at birth and I consider that normal weight for a newborn)... and might come really early because his head is already way down.

Squeeze me, did you say "early?" I mean, I'm fine with him coming a tad earlier than scheduled, but when at the end of the appointment she said "well, see you next week [for our next appointment] or at the hospital before that" I got juuust a little anxious. Don't get me wrong. I want to meet this sweet child of ours, but I am also LOVING being pregnant with him and feeling him move inside, so if I could experience that for a couple more weeks, that would be great.

Joe thinks he'll come between April 8-11. I said he will be there between April 10-14. We'll see...

His Name

2011-03-27T20:37:00.001-07:00

Writing the previous post without telling the baby's name was not so smart. So here goes: Our baby's name is Léo James Mathias. It's pronounced lay-o, not lee-o. We can't wait to meet him. 3 more weeks!

Update: Oh, and while I'm at it... Mathias is "mat-ee-as."

In Which I Snap At an Old Lady

2011-03-25T16:12:00.000-07:00

from church. Oh yes I did, and I absolutely didn't mean to, either. That lady and I were talking during our church's Lenten small group meeting and she mis-pronounced the baby's name. I corrected her - rather harshly. Oops. I seriously didn't mean to sound like a B- but I sure did. I apologized, but I think the damage is done.

Damn hormones.

In Which I Become Superficial

2011-03-25T16:05:00.000-07:00

My mom called me and said "I'm so happy your cheeks are getting fatter. I was the same way pregnant." Well, aren't I glad to know that...

So my cheeks are fat. Wah-wah. Oh well. It's almost over!

Compare 10 weeks

with 36 weeks

Yeah. Last weekend, I also happened to find some jeans I was wearing this summer. Hahahaa, they're SMALL. Damnit.

In all honesty, I'm not anxious about losing the weight. I will lose it eventually. It's just weird to compare pictures/clothes of before Vs now.

That was my superficial moment of the day. You're welcome.

Happy to rent!

2011-03-15T13:03:00.000-07:00

This is what we discovered behind our couch. Damn weather! We're happy we won't have to foot the bill to fix that one. Hopefully the landlord will... I'll keep you updated.

40 days of Lent

2011-03-13T00:10:00.000-08:00

Lent started on March 9th. I thought it was good that it started right after International Women's Day because I remember that last year the Deacon at my church drew a parallel between the number 40, which appears in the Bible every time something is created (land for Moses, strength for Jesus), and the number of weeks it takes for a child to develop. The Deacon said that the Bible was very feminine. And so the 40 days of Lent start and with that thoughts of women all over the world and of the beauty women create -children of course but also love, compassion, art, etc. Of course March 9th was special to me because it corresponded to exactly 40 days before my due date. My own little Lent!

I won't give up much this year. Heck, I've been through 9 months of giving up alcohol! I have decided to be more patient, though. Every morning without fail I get really angry at self righteous butt holes who drive 59 mph on the left lane of the freeway and slow traffic down for everybody. I have to be more patient in general. With work, with Joe (poor Joe! My 3rd trimester moods have hit him hard), with drivers, with the baby (if he's late).

At church on Wednesday, we all got to make a cross on our neighbor's forehead with ashes and we said "repent and follow the Gospel." I think I'll try to do just that: be humble and show more love to others than I usually do. That's a pretty hefty goal, but it's a positive and beautiful one.

Happy Lenten season, everyone!

One Corner of the Nursery

2011-03-07T14:30:00.001-08:00

When we moved, this room was our library get-away.

And then we moved the books out to make this room our baby's nursery.

So we added a crib and a changing table.

Now this side is complete with a decal and curtains.

Other pictures coming soon!

The Bump

2011-02-25T10:05:00.001-08:00

Here are 6 months of belly pictures!

10 weeks (end of September 2010). Normal belly.

13 weeks (Mid October 2010).

16 weeks (beginning of November 2010).

20 weeks (End of November 2010).

21 weeks (December 2010). Aaah, now that's a real bump!

29 weeks (end of January 2011). That's my favorite bump picture so far.

31 weeks (Beginning of February 2011). Um, that's me barely awake with too much make up on. Yikes!

That Third Trimester Thing

2011-02-22T14:24:00.000-08:00

People, I am a tiiiired woman again! Long gone are the glow and energy of the second trimester. Acne is back, and with it -though unrelated- an irrepressible will to sleep all the time. it doesn't help that I get up once or twice every night to visit that one room and that I have a hard time falling back asleep. Fortunately, I haven't yet been afflicted with the other typical 3rd trimester symptoms (back pain, heartburn, swollen ankles). I still have 8 weeks to go, so I'm expecting the situation to be a bit more complicated by the day.

One excellent thing that comes with the 3rd trimester? The baby is grown, which means he doesn't have room to roam that much, which means I feel him all the time. I love it. I love knowing he's alive (well, yes!) and kicking. I think I will actually go through quite a bit of separation sadness when I give birth as I enjoy every minute he's inside my belly. Oh well, meeting him should make this sadness pass fast.

The next few weeks are busy with visitors (Joe's brother Jon last weekend, a good friend of ours we met in Bordeaux in 2001 this weekend, then Joe's best friend Bryan in mid-March) and labor/breastfeeding/newborn care classes the first 3 weeks of March. I feel that I'm in a weird zone where time flies by and seems to go very slowly at the same time. I'm just trying to enjoy it all while it lasts!

Priorities

2011-02-08T11:18:00.000-08:00

After several weeks of questioning, talking to a bunch of different people, and soul searching, Joe has decided to take a break from school this quarter and next. The U is very flexible with students, and for $35 he's able to be registered for the quarter even though he's not taking any classes. Better yet, they gave us the tuition money back even though he dropped classes 2 weeks after the official deadline.

That was not an easy decision. Work has been more than stressful for him and of course grad school is really difficult in terms of content and expectations. Right now, he wants to focus on his family, and selfishly I think it's the right decision to make. I hope he will find the strength to go back to school this summer, even if he only takes one class -I am guessing going back to a grueling schedule after 2 quarters off is not easy, above all when at the end of that period you have a new baby boy at home.

We're 10 weeks away from my due date and I am so happy he's here and has time to focus on his health and on us (that would be the baby+me unit). We'll figure things out as they come along -that includes everything from being new parents and going back to school to our careers and where we want to live. For now, we're taking it one day at a time and enjoy spending one-on-one time together.

Joy!

2011-01-22T22:43:00.000-08:00

Baby Boy has been moving a ton yesterday and today. I just love it every time I feel him! His moves are super soft -he hasn't kicked my ribs or kept me up at night yet- so I am enjoying every minute he is awake and moving immensely.

Just had to share!

We're staying!

2011-01-19T19:54:00.000-08:00

On Saturday, Joe and I visited some apartments close to the center of the city. Of course, we fell in love with the last one we visited (on a whim) and spent the past 4 days trying to decide whether we should move there or not. That place is big, modern, luxurious, and right downtown (as in 2 blocks from my beloved B&N). It is also safe (LEED certified) and, well... pretty perfect. Of course it was a tad expensive. So the main decision came down to budget and sensibility -boring. I always worry that one of us is going to lose our job or that we won't be able to make the rent. Mind you, it doesn't look like we're going to be in this situation anytime soon, but... you never know. I don't want to live my life being scared of being poor but I also want to be smart now that we're going to have a baby. Also, we'll be able to save for a downpayment if we want to move back to OC and buy a town home in a couple of years. I just hope this house is safe for the baby, from the walls to the floors to the stairs.

So we're staying at our place, and let's just say it needs work. A LOT of work. In the next few weeks we're going to clean all the walls (I'd rather paint, but Joe thinks it's a hassle and the landlord won't let us paint anyway), scrub the stairs, install curtains (since the landlord doesn't want to insulate the windows), put rugs on the tiles, move the bookshelves from the nursery to the living room, put some art/pictures on the walls, move our bedroom from upstairs to downstairs, and install everything in the nursery -and in between I'll probably think about the other awesome apartment, sigh, cry a little (what, I'm hormonal) , and move on. In short, we're going to make this our home. We've never felt at home since we moved here because we always think we're going to move someplace else -which we have done quite a lot. Now it's time to settle for a couple of years and feel like we're not going anywhere. I'll post pictures of before and after, HGTV-style.

Gossip Time!

2011-01-16T15:59:00.001-08:00

I'm watching the Golden Globes "live from the red carpet" show on E! and just saw Natalie Portman. She looks very pregnant! She said she's due this summer. Um, is she expecting triplets or something? She looks like she's 7 months along!!

Ok, that was my guilty pleasure of the day. I love the awards' season!

Let's Talk

2011-01-10T18:42:00.001-08:00

A couple of days ago, someone shot dead 6 people and severely injured a congresswoman in Arizona. I am not going to go into a political tirade. I am only going to promise that I will not use violent words or imagery when talking about people I don't agree with. If each of us agrees to talk and have a reasoned dialogue instead of coming up with nonsense arguments and resorting to violence, we'll be that much better as a country and as humans.

100

2011-01-08T12:49:00.000-08:00

Our baby boy is due in 100 days! I am quite excited about this, not even close to being ready, but happy to meet the gymnast who's inhabiting my tummy.

We have a few (oh, minor) things to do before he comes, such as: find a name for him, start buying stuff for the nursery (a place to sleep and a place to change him might be a good start), arrange the nursery once we finalize where we're going to live, read books about bringing baby home (right now I'm reading "Babywise"), install car seat, take labor/breastfeeding/CPR classes, sleep, sleep, sleep.

One hundred days... Let the countdown begin!

To move or not to move?

2011-01-02T14:51:00.000-08:00

Joe and I are wondering whether we should move or not. Our current lease ends at the end of June, but we emailed the landlord, who said that because our reason to move was good (baby!) we could leave before June if we found another tenant.

We mainly like this place because:
- it is big -about 1,200 square feet. We can have our bedroom, a room for the baby, and a guest room for the many guests who will come this summer.
- there is ton of storage space.
- the rent is high but less expensive than some smaller apartments in the city. We could save money for a downpayment on a house once Joe is done with school -that is, if we move back to OC then.
- the area we live in is really nice, close to parks and my church, and diverse. It's not at thclose to restaurants (Joe doesn't like that but I do because we would spend a looot of money eating out otherwise).
- this is lazy-me part 104, but I like the idea of not moving again.

However:
- it's a little old which makes me worry about lead and mold. Plus I like modern over old/traditional.
- it's not quite updated. For instance, the insulation in the living room is pretty poor and we have to turn the heater on all the time because I'm always cold.
- the tiles in the living room are orange. Er...
- it has a lot of stairs/steps. That's not an issue, but I wonder how I'm going to like having to go up a flight of stairs to get to my door and another flight of stairs to get to the living room when I'm hauling the baby/car seat/diaper bag this spring.
- it requires a lot of cleaning, mainly because we are not really good with dog hair and because somehow the more space we have, the messier we get.

If we stayed, we'd have to put curtains pretty much on all windows to keep the cold out during the winter, put rugs in the living room because I'm fed up with orange, and I'd have to have a really intensive cleaning schedule (or, ahem, hire someone to clean for me. Whaaa?). We're still debating. I'll let you know what we decide soon.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T12:12:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to you, my friends. I hope this year bring more joy, love, and laughter than ever. May your life be fulfilled this year.

I usually make about 53 resolutions at the beginning of each year -52 of which I abandon after a week. I love resolutions. I love planning for the future... but then I really truly suck at implementing anything. This year is different of course! 2011 is not really a good year for resolutions, since I know and don't know what it will bring. I know it'll being a baby, lots of planning around school, work, and family for Joe, and a lot of visitors during the summer. But I don't know how parenthood will change us, how the first few weeks with the baby will be, how I will handle lack of sleep (oh, how I am dreading lack of sleep!), whether my baby will be easy or fussy, and whether I'll enjoy work as much when I come back from my leave in August. In light of this big unknown coming into our lives, I only vow to be the best mom, wife, and friend I can be. I also want to be better to people around me and keep on volunteering in my community -through church or other organizations. But that's it. No pressure this year. Just be the best I can be -and also be patient with myself and the people around me (This is a continual joke in my head but I'm sure this mantra will come in handy a few times: do not shake baby. Leave the baby in crib and step back, breathe, and come back to soothe baby!!).

2011 will be exciting, challenging, and probably pretty awesome. I am loving it already!!

Baby Shower!

2010-12-28T19:56:00.000-08:00

On December 19th, my awesome sister-in-law Jessica hosted my baby shower at her house. It was more of a get-together than an actual baby shower (no games, no gift opening ceremony) and it was perfect. The decoration was really cute, the lion-theme spot on, and our friends and family made the event successful and fun. Here are a few pics of the elegant decoration Jessica put together:

We got tons of books, lots of generous gift cards from our family, and plenty of cute clothes. This baby boy is already spoiled!

it ain't easy studying...

2010-12-08T22:27:00.001-08:00

... with a cuddly dog!

Vegas!

2010-12-06T10:55:00.001-08:00

A couple of weeks ago, I flew to Vegas for 24 hours to see my dad, who was there for a week-long work conference. He had gotten really sick that week -probably had to do with the crazy A/C hotels put on to keep their guests awake- so we went out for meals and mostly stayed in the hotel and chatted. I have to admit we were quite typically French in that we stayed in the restaurants we went to for about 2 hours, just talking. It was really good to see him one-on-one and to spend quality time together. I miss him SO much. Next time I see him will be at the end of June, when he comes for 3 weeks to visit the baby. I don't think about distance too much but sometimes I pause and realize that I see my family members for about 7 days a years. Total. Now with my parents being divorced it will be even less -because I might not be able to stay in France for a whole 2 weeks. I hope we can manage something where I go there once a year and they come here once a year. That would be ideal!

Here is a picture of us after dinner: